“So this is my fault?”
“No, it’s mine. Whatever it is. Everything is my fault. I get that. I accept it.”
“My mother, the martyr.”
“Okay, fine.”
“I was worried, that’s all. Can’t I be worried?”
“If you were so damn worried, why didn’t you just call me? I have a cell phone.”
“Which you never have on. What’s the point of having a damn cell phone if you never have it on?”
“I have it on.” Caroline fished inside her purse for her phone and waved it in front of Michelle. “See? It’s on.”
Michelle’s eyes narrowed. “You never have it on. Why is it on now? Who are you expecting to call? Does Lili have this number? Has she called you again?”
“For God’s sake, Michelle.”
“Let me have the phone.”
“No.” Caroline quickly dropped the phone back inside her purse before Michelle could grab it. “Enough. I’ve had enough.” She marched into the living room, her purse tucked protectively under her arm, Michelle at her heels. They stood glaring at each other in the middle of the room for several seconds. “You know what I’d really like?” Caroline asked finally.
“No. What would you really like?”
“For once, just for once, I’d like us to have a nice, normal conversation. One without yelling and accusations. I’ve heard rumors that some mothers and daughters actually have them.” Not that she’d ever had such a conversation with her own mother, Caroline recalled.
“Okay. Fine.” Michelle lowered herself into the nearest chair. “Let the conversing begin.”
Caroline sank into the other chair, set her purse on the floor, and waited for her daughter to continue.
“So how was lunch?” Michelle asked.
“Good.”
“How’s Peggy?”
“Good.”
“How are her boys? I haven’t seen them in ages.”
“They’re fine. Kevin graduates high school this spring. Philip is doing very well at Duke.”
“That’s good.”
More good. More silence.
“What about you?” Caroline asked.
“What do you mean?”
“Any thoughts about going back to school?”
Michelle shifted uncomfortably in her seat. “I’m thinking about it.”
“Really? What are you thinking?”
“That I might go back next fall.”
“Any school in particular?” Caroline tried not to sound too enthusiastic. Michelle had dropped out of Berkeley in the middle of her second year, having changed majors twice. She’d dropped out of UCSD the following year, after only one semester.
“Dad thinks I should finish college, then apply to law school.”
“Does that interest you?”
“I don’t know. Maybe.”
“There wouldn’t be any problems because of…?”
“…my DUI?”
Caroline nodded.
“The deal is that once I finish my community service, they’ll expunge my record. Anyway, I haven’t made any decisions yet.”
“I think you’d make a great lawyer.”
“Why? Because I’m good at arguing?”
“Because I think you’d be good at whatever you set your mind to.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
Another silence.
“Are you seeing anyone?” Caroline broached.
Michelle’s response was a familiar roll of her eyes.
“Never mind. Forget I asked.”
“I’m not seeing anyone,” Michelle said. “I was seeing this one guy for a little while, but it didn’t work out.”
“That’s too bad.”
“No. He was a jerk. All he wanted to do was get high and have sex.”
Sounds perfect, Caroline thought, having done neither in years. “I hope you use protection…”
“Oh, God. Do I look like a complete imbecile?”
“You were arrested for driving under the influence,” Caroline reminded her, the words out of her mouth before she could stop them.
“And we were doing so well.”
“Sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”
“No. I deserved it. It wasn’t the smartest decision I ever made.”
“I just don’t understand.”
“I know that,” Michelle said sadly.
“Then enlighten me. What made you get behind the wheel of the car that night? What were you thinking?”
“We’ve been through this a million times. I think the whole point is that I wasn’t thinking.”
“You could have killed someone. You could have been killed.”
“I’d only had a couple of drinks. I didn’t think they’d go to my head like that.”
“You’re such a smart, beautiful girl,” Caroline persisted, unable to stop herself, “and you keep doing all these self-destructive things. You quit school; you drive drunk; you smoke; you don’t eat…”
Michelle jumped to her feet. “That’s right. I’m a total fuckup. Unlike your other precious daughter, who I’m sure would have turned out perfect.”
“Whoa. Wait a minute…”
“No. You wait a minute. It’s my turn to ask you something.”
Caroline held her breath.
“What if it had been me that night?”
“What are you talking about?” Caroline asked, although she already knew the answer. “What night?”