She's Not There

“Of course.”


Caroline hugged her friend, then took the stairs two at a time. She slowed down when she reached the second floor, proceeding cautiously along the long corridor, the sound of piano music accompanying her. Room 205 was at the far end of the hall, past the open kitchen and dining area, and the so-called “great room” where the residents and their families could relax or watch TV. Right now, a middle-aged man and woman were sitting on the dark green leather sofa in front of the fireplace, engaged in quiet conversation, while a gray-haired woman played a selection of Christmas carols on the baby grand piano next to the window. In the corner, a beautifully decorated tree stretched toward the high wood-beamed ceiling.

Caroline realized she hadn’t been here since Becky’s death.

You want to know what I think? Caroline heard Becky say as she approached the closed door to room 205. I think Samantha’s alive. I think she’s alive and beautiful and happy…I think whoever took her was just desperate for a baby…that she’s being well cared for and loved.

At least she had that to be grateful for, Caroline thought, regretting that Becky hadn’t lived to see Samantha’s safe return.

“Are you here to see Kathy?” a young woman asked. She had dark skin and close-cropped curly orange hair. The name tag clipped to her white nurse’s uniform identified her as Aisha.

Caroline kept her voice low. “I understand that Michelle is in with her.”

“Yes. Kathy’s pretty low. It could be just a matter of minutes now.”

“Excuse me, nurse,” the woman who’d been sitting on the sofa said, approaching. “My brother and I were wondering if we could talk to you for a minute about our father.”

“If you’ll excuse me,” Aisha said to Caroline.

“Of course.” Caroline stood for a moment in silence, then took a deep breath and quietly pushed open the door to room 205.

Michelle was sitting to the right of the hospital bed, her back to the door, her hand clutching the skeletal fingers of the young woman lying in the middle of the bed. Classical music emanated from the radio on the nightstand. On the walls, at irregular intervals, were taped pieces of white paper bearing the words I AM BLESSED in large handwritten black letters.

I am blessed, Caroline repeated silently, deciding she should leave before Michelle saw her. Her daughter was safe. That’s all she needed to know.

“Michelle,” a soft voice cried out.

“I’m right here,” Michelle answered. She reached over with her free hand to caress the young woman’s forehead.

“You won’t leave me?”

“I won’t leave you.”

“I’m afraid.”

“I know. I’m here.”

The young woman sighed, her breath rattling in the still air.

“Are you in pain?”

“No.”

“Is there anything I can get you?”

“No. Just don’t leave me.”

“I won’t. I’ll stay right here.”

“You promise?”

“I promise.”

Tears filled Caroline’s eyes and blurred her vision. Again, she tried to back away. Again, Kathy’s voice stopped her.

“Michelle…”

“Yes?”

“What do you think happens after you die?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do you believe in Heaven?”

Caroline held her breath, waiting for Michelle’s answer.

“Yes,” Michelle said finally, “I do.”

Caroline brought her hands to her lips to prevent the cry she felt building in her throat from escaping.

“Do you think I’ll go there?”

“There’s absolutely no question in my mind.”

“I haven’t always been a good person. I’ve done things that God wouldn’t like.”

“We’ve all done things,” Michelle said. “It’s what makes us human and God…God.”

“What do you think it’s like? Heaven, I mean.”

Michelle took a long, audible breath, her shoulders rising and falling with the effort. It was several seconds before she spoke. “I think Heaven is where the slate is wiped clean and all your past mistakes are forgiven,” she began, her voice gaining strength and purpose as she spoke. “I think Heaven is the place where you become your best self, where you’re everything you always wanted to be.” She took another breath. “I think Heaven is the place where dreams come true.”

“I like your Heaven.”

“I do, too.”

“Michelle…”

“Yes?”

“Thank you.”

Michelle nodded.

“I’m going to close my eyes now.”

“Okay.”

“You won’t leave me?”

“I’m right here. I promise.”

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