The first night without Nick…
I lay in Chris and Sara’s spare bedroom, staring at the ceiling, an invisible knife carving holes in my heart. I replay the conversation I had with Bill, and the implications. And then I replay the conversation with Nick, how sincere he sounded. God. I’m a fool. And he’s such a good liar. Everything he did felt real. We felt real.
I have no place to live. I need an apartment and clothes. I have no clothes. I don’t have a car. At Nick’s recommendation, I gave both of the cars to Kasey. Nick made me dependent on our life together. I roll to my side and tell myself not to cry. He’s not worth it. I don’t cry. I won’t cry for him. But somehow my cheeks are wet.
The first Monday and my first morning without Nick…
I wake up to coffee and Chris and Sara. Watching them together is both beautiful and salt in an open wound. An hour later, I arrive at Allure with Sara and wearing Sara’s jeans, my own boots, and her Allure t-shirt. We have interviews today for several staff members, and that means no time for self-pity. I dive in and get to work. By mid-morning, my new agent has sold every piece I had in the L.A. Forum for thirty thousand apiece. Even the painting of Nick, which kind of guts me, but it’s probably for the best. I have this instinctive urge to call and tell Nick, and that guts me. And so I don’t tell anyone, not even Sara. I refocus on what’s important. I have a great agent, a great job, and money, which is suddenly important, since I need new everything. It’s a relief. I call a realtor.
Come lunchtime, we’ve hired a receptionist to start on Monday and I already have two apartments to look at after work. At nearly four, Sara pokes her head into my office. “Delivery,” Sara says, setting a large envelope on my desk.
I stare at the handwriting on the front that is clearly Nick’s, and let out a breath. “Thank you.” I look up at her. “I’m looking at apartments tonight and going to buy some clothes.”
“Don’t feel rushed. I have clothes and we have the space.”
“I know you mean that, but I think I’m going to rent a hotel room until I find a place.”
“That’s not necessary. You know that.”
“I do. I really do but honestly, you and Chris are so damn wonderful together, I can’t take it. That sounds horrible. I’m sorry.”
“It sounds honest. Do you want me to go shopping with you?”
“No. Last night I needed you badly and you were there for me and I can’t thank you enough. Tonight, I need to be alone.”
“I can fully understand that, but if you change your mind, our door is open.”
“Thank you.”
She disappears in the hallway, and I stare at that envelope, my throat constricting. I throw it in the trash. I pull it back out. I throw it in the trash. Damn it, I pull it out and open it. Inside I find my favorite paintbrush with a note.
Faith:
I came to you looking for answers to questions I didn’t even know I needed to ask. I found those answers in you. Paint me. You’ll get your answers too because there is only one answer: Us.
I’m coming for you and I’m doing it with proof that I don’t want anything but you.
I love you,
Nick
I read that note over and over: I’m coming for you. And he will, and I’m going to send him away, no matter how much I hurt all over again.
My first Tuesday without Nick…
I wake in a hotel room and order room service. When my coffee and omelet arrive, I eat it alone. Alone is safe. I forgot that. I won’t forget again.
Bill tries to call me about a dozen times. I ignore him. It’s probably not fair, but I feel angry at him for telling me what I needed to hear.
My first Wednesday without Nick…
I don’t order room service, but I walk to work and stop in at Rebecca’s and get coffee. I carry it with me to my desk at Allure. I drink it.
Alone.
I end the day with a text from Josh. He’s wiring me my twenty thousand dollars minus his fee. I don’t reply. Bill calls me. I don’t reply. When he sends me a text, I do reply: I need time.
I say nothing more.
My first Thursday without Nick….
I have settled into my hotel, bought a frugal wardrobe and found an apartment a few blocks from the gallery that has an upstairs perfect for a studio. It’s an expensive rental, but I need a space that I can make mine.
I’m about to leave for the day, when I get a strange phone call. “Faith Winter?”
“Yes.”
“Names Ned. I’m your broker.”
“I don’t have a broker.”
“You do. You invested sixty thousand in a hot stock. I want to cash you out.”
“Nick did this, didn’t he?”
“Yes. He did. Good fucking news for you, too. You’re up a hundred and fifty thousand but you need to get out while you’re on top. Do it?”
I’m stunned. Blown away. Confused.
“Do it? Snap. Snap. This is time sensitive.”
“Yes. And send the money to Nick.”
“Can’t do that. He put it in your name. You have to send it to him yourself. Gotta go. Toodaloo and all that shit.” He hangs up.
My first Friday without Nick…
I start the day feeling Nick’s silence. I don’t want to feel it, but I do. I comfort myself by putting the down payment on my apartment, but by evening the idea of a weekend alone is pretty much gutting me. I need things to fill my apartment. And when Bill calls, I answer. I agree that we need to meet. And I decide to rent a car and head to Sonoma for the weekend, talk to him, check on my house, the winery, Kasey, and gather some of the leftover personal stuff I still have there.
Because being alone is not better, even if it is safer.
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
Nick
My first night without Faith…
Hell.
My second night without Faith…
Hell.
Every night without Faith…
Hell.
If she’s going to Sonoma, so am I.
The minute I hear Faith has rented a car, I know she’s driving to Sonoma. And I don’t want her there with Bill. I don’t want her there, or anywhere, without me. And I’m done waiting on the autopsy report and answers. All fucking week I’ve waited without Faith. And so, I hit the road in the BMW, for Sonoma, with a ring in my pocket and my heart shamelessly on my sleeve.
Because being alone is fine, as long as long as being alone is with Faith. Otherwise, alone is hell.
CHAPTER FORTY
Faith
My new landlord calls about the time I am on the road to Sonoma, confirming I can move in next weekend. I tell her how excited I am and I try to sound convincing, but reality is setting in. I’m leaving Nick behind. I use my Siri feature to call Kasey.
“Hey, Faith,” he answers. “Good to hear from you, stranger. I guess you meant it when you said you were going to let me run the show.”
“I did. I do. I am coming into town just to get some of my things this weekend. You want to have dinner?”
“Of course. When?”
“Saturday night?”
“Perfect. I’ll come to you after we close up.”
I have Siri dial Bill next. “Faith. Are you on your way here?”