Turns out I couldn’t wait for him to change back. I stomped over to the onyx Drae and screamed, “Were you even going to tell me before I pushed energy into you?”
As soon as I was within striking distance, I slapped his scaled hide as hard as I could and then shouted up at him. “Do you want to know why I can’t decide if I want to be your mate?” I asked, gulping air, chest heaving. “It’s because you treat me like a freakin’ sheep! I’m not here to be herded. I’m not here to baa and be ignored.” My hand was smarting, but I whacked his haunch again. “I don’t want to be controlled! I don’t want to be part of a game.”
Tyrrik growled and swiped me up in his claw. I fell on my behind and got to my feet in a furious blur. In his clutches, I gripped two of his talons and stared through them to where he’d brought his great Drae face down. His inky eyes regarded me.
“We’re not in the castle anymore, Tyrrik,” I said. I made to squeeze my eyes shut, to hide the hurt as I’d done with Tyrrik so often. But hiding my pain from him wasn’t helping me or him. He needed to know so he could understand. I kept my eyes open and stared into his black gaze. I let my barrier drop, allowing him to see and feel how much I hurt inside from what he’d just done. “We’re not in the castle anymore,” I repeated in a whisper. “Please stop acting like you’re still under the Blood Oath. Hiding things from me won’t keep you or me safe. You hated being controlled.” I blinked, and the tears spilled over the corners of my eyes. “I hate being controlled, too.”
His eyes widened, and in a blink, he set me on the ground. The air shimmered for only a moment before Tyrrik unfolded from a crouch.
“Ryn,” he began, reaching out a hand.
I couldn’t even look at him. I let the tears drip down my cheeks as I turned and walked away.
30
The mountaintop was too small to storm very far from Lord Tyrrik, and I eyed the next peak longingly. Our space had a sparse collection of low trees which would offer minimal veiling from aerial eyes while we slept, but there wasn’t anything better nearby.
I kept my back to the Drae and stared out over the mountains. In the distance, the range abruptly stopped and then picked back up, making the start of Gemond’s realm clear. We were likely a few days away if we walked, an hour if we flew—which we would be doing. I had wings now, and I planned to use them for every little thing I could. I stared in the direction of Gemond, listening to Dyter and Tyrrik settling down for the night behind me. I stared until my heart rate settled and I wasn’t seeing red anymore. I probably shouldn’t face Tyrrik yet with my temper simmering just below boiling.
Judging by Tyrrik’s slow even breaths, he was asleep already. Kicking him a few times to let him know how I felt was tempting, but Ryn the Peacemaker held me back, curse her. I’d wait until he woke up again and kick him then. Ryn the Peacemaker seemed to be just fine with that.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, letting the scent of pine and crisp mountain air ground me though the faint smell of old smoke interrupted the serenity I was trying to achieve.
“Did he lie to you?” Dyter whispered as he approached, unaware his lumbering gait was plenty loud enough to wake the Drae. Though . . . Tyrrik looked pretty out of it after flying all day.
I kept my eyes closed and released a slow breath. “No. Not really. Tyrrik isn’t an outright liar. He deceives by omission.”
Dyter brushed needles and bits of dried vegetation off a flat rock before taking a seat. He patted the space next to him. “That doesn’t make it any easier than a true lie when you’re on the receiving end. Not in my experience.”
I snorted. “Understatement of the year.” I sat down next to him and leaned into the familiar warmth of his thick body. “Is this where you’re going to give me sage advice that will solve all my problems?”
I’d meant the words as a joke, but in truth, I did want him to tell me what I should do. My mind felt cloudy and thick with the churning in my head. How had I ever craved adventure? Adventure sucked big time. I wanted to go to the girl I’d been and have a serious talking-to with her, maybe smack her around a bit. Dwelling on what-ifs wasn’t really in my nature, but right now, I couldn’t help thinking that if I could change one decision in my past, I would do it in a heartbeat.
“I’ve never pretended to have the answers for you. You’ll have to live with whatever decisions you make, not me. There are plenty of decisions that still haunt me, most especially when I’m worn out. But, my girl, in the morning, things won’t look quite so bad.”
“That’s all you’ve got?” I chuckled darkly. “Get a good night’s sleep? I feel like my life’s being decided for me, but I should just have a kip?” My eyes were heavy as was my heart. I knew it was too much to demand advice, especially on something he couldn’t truly understand. But he was Dyter.
He took a breath, and my body was moved by his inhalation and then again as he exhaled.
Dyter cleared his throat, and I peeled my eyelids open to give him my attention.
“I’m not going to tell you how to sort this out with Lord Tyrrik; that’s between the two of you. But I want you to have an honest think about this mate business from all angles. I know,” he said, holding up his hand to stop my interruption, “I don’t understand all of it. I don’t even want to. But have a think. You didn’t get to choose your mum either, right? You didn’t get to choose who she was, but you did choose to love her though you didn’t have a choice initially because you knew she was yours and she knew you were hers.”
I bristled. “You’re over—”
“Oversimplifying, I know,” he said with a wave. “I’m not saying you should be okay with deceit. That breeds distrust, and distrust will destroy any partnership or alliance: mated pairs, businesses, or kingdoms.”
I frowned as I thought through his words. “So you think I should—”
Dyter shook his head. “I’m not telling you what you should do. I want you to think, Ryn. You need to have realistic expectations of what might happen between the pair of you, and be clear on what you want.” He turned and looked at me. “I’m going to oversimplify again, okay?” When I nodded, he continued, “Think of how many times in a single day you told your mum you were sorry.”
I grimaced. Not nearly enough.
“Love doesn’t mean you’re perfect. Loving someone doesn’t mean you don’t screw up. In fact, I’d say the more you love someone, the more time you spend with that someone, the more you’re going to have to say you’re sorry. Love means you say sorry sooner because when you realize you’ve hurt someone you truly love, you want to do whatever you can to make it right.”
I shifted on the rock, tucking a few of the wispy dress panels under my butt and legs while I digested Dyter’s wisdom. I felt I wasn’t fully understanding his words. They made sense on a surface level. He was saying that when you were in love, you wanted the other person to be happy. “You think I owe Tyrrik an apology?”
Like that would happen.