Dyter frowned, but I was just warming up.
“All that abuse? No worries. We’re mates. It’s fine. Oh, and you don’t tell me what’s happening? That’s al’right; we’re mates, so I don’t need to know.” My chest heaved as I screamed my frustration at the pathetic reality Dyter was proposing I accept. “And don’t worry about telling me anything, ever, not even about myself; I totally trust you because we’re mates!”
Dyter’s eyes were wide, and he stared at me wordlessly.
I took several breaths, forcing myself to calm down. But the emotion hadn’t disappeared; I was just barely controlling it when I spoke. “I’m eighteen years old. I’m not meant to make decisions about mates and permanent promises. Not yet.” Whirling away, I crossed to the edge of the cave and stood looking out over the hillside before I spoke the truth of my heart. “I don’t want to make fake choices that are already chosen for me. I want a real choice.”
Dyter cleared his throat and said, “You had a choice with Kamoi.”
I stiffened, my arms locking where I’d folded them across my chest.
“Why didn’t you pick Kamoi?” Dyter asked.
Dyter had never been cruel or malicious, but his words were an arrow that pierced my heart.
26
Ice coiled in my stomach, its freezing tendrils spreading into my chest. I bit my tongue to prevent the painful truth or vitriolic anger from spewing out. I didn’t want either to escape. Instead of replying to Dyter, I stared out over the treetops, watching as the overcast sky leaked and drizzled its moisture. Fat drops began to form and drip from the rocky overhang we camped beneath.
“I want you to be happy,” Dyter said. “When I’m gone, I want you to be protected.”
“I just squished the Phaetyn queen and tore her guards to bits.” I sniffed in disdain, but my stomach churned with the acknowledgement of what I’d done. I’d feel terrible later. Their deaths might even give me nightmares. But in this moment, I wasn’t the least bit sorry. “Pretty sure I can protect myself.”
He chuckled, and my shoulders relaxed as the tension between us dissipated.
“I can’t believe you left me dragging Lord Tyrrik away on a blanket while you fought off the Phaetyn army,” Dyter said, his laughter swelling. “There you were, stomping around, and I’m hobbling off afraid you were going to breathe fire on the lot of us. Drak, I almost wet myself.”
I snickered as I turned to Dyter. Seeing his red face and hearing his guffaws made me laugh, and as he chortled on, I laughed harder. Soon, tears were streaming down our faces.
He clutched his stomach, hooting. “Do you know how hard it is to drag a blanket with one arm? A blanket with a Drae on it?”
I doubled up, imagining Dyter dragging Tyrrik through the forest, but after a few seconds, something happened to my laughter, and soon the choking sound coming out of my mouth didn’t resemble laughter at all.
Dyter got to his feet and crossed to me. He’d stopped chuckling, like me, but he wasn’t crying or gasping for breath. I sniffed as he pulled me into his embrace, inhaling his familiar smell.
“You’ll be okay, Rynnie,” he said, rocking me.
I wasn’t okay, and I wasn’t sure I ever would be. I certainly hadn’t been okay so far. I’d been hurt. So badly. I choked on my words, trying to tell him of my uncertainty.
Dyter didn’t acknowledge my incoherent answer, still rocking me as he repeated, “You’ll do okay.”
An overwhelming pressure rose through my throat, a darkness I’d suppressed for weeks. I struggled to reign it in, but I was too exhausted, too hungry, too emotionally drained to battle it back. The low wail escaped, and the dam burst.
A terrible mourning keen drove up from my injured soul, tearing through my chest, searing my throat as it ravaged me. My abrupt introduction to evil escalated to horror I’d never imagined possible. For three months, I’d been tortured, controlled, intimidated, abused, and manipulated. I’d lost my innocence, almost like the girl who’d been protected so well by her mother never existed.
I’d lost my naivety and ignorance, and I wanted that back.
I didn’t want to know nightmares existed. I didn’t want to know I could die. Before, I’d known both of these things, but before, I hadn’t understood them. In the dungeons, I’d become not only acquainted with nightmares but intimately familiar with their terror. Death was rapidly becoming my devoted companion, and I seemed impotent to put either of them aside. Why couldn’t I put my fear for these things aside?
I grieved, shedding tears for the death of the girl I’d been before entering that foul castle.
I wept, soaking Dyter’s aketon, draining myself of the pitiful reserve I had left. I cried, and the darkness released and poured out of me.
I shed every single tear in me as I mourned for what I would never have.
I lamented the losses I knew and the ones I had yet to discover. I cried, letting my heartbreak rule me.
I cried, finally feeling safe to mourn. For tonight, I was in the arms of my father, the only security I knew I could count on.
I hadn’t woken up chilled in days, and confusion clouded my mind as awareness greeted me. Where was I? Why was I so cold? The smell of campfire hung in the air, but there was no fire nearby.
Tyrrik. He wasn’t close, or I would be warm. Had I rolled away? Seemed unlikely given my subconscious tendencies. I reached out, but my hand froze mid-air as I fully awoke.
I should feel lighter after shedding so much of my emotional pain last night, but my head felt filled with bricks from the toll. My eyes were gritty, and I rubbed the salty crust off and blinked them open.
I was alone in the cave. The filtered light was plenty to illuminate the shallow cavern. Dyter’s pack was propped against a rock, but Dyter was absent. I took a deep breath and heard Tyrrik’s breath hitch.
He was awake. My heartbeat picked up, and I felt him several meters in front of me.
His heartbeat picked up, too.
Tyrrik was watching me.
“Khosana,” he said. “I know you’re awake.”
I wasn’t sure I was ready for this. To see him now after things had changed. Nervous energy skittered over my skin and deep in my belly. I wanted to go back to sleep, maybe even forever if it meant I didn’t have to deal with the jumble of feelings I had for the Drae.