BETWEEN SIXTH AND SEVENTH PERIOD—SO CLOSE TO the freedom of Friday afternoon, I can taste it—Olivia finds me in the hall. She pulls me into a corner, breaking the news so carefully, you’d think she was telling me somebody died.
For a moment, I’m not sure what to do. My first instinct is to scream it out, because if Lucas would keep that secret from me for thirteen months of a relationship and half a year of aftermath, he doesn’t deserve for it to stay quiet.
Panic surges in my throat like bile. “I have to go,” I choke, making a beeline for the bathroom.
“Claire,” Olivia calls after me, but I don’t turn back.
I NEVER SKIP CLASS. SKIPPING IS FOR SMOKERS AND underachievers. But halfway through seventh period, I’m still standing in the bathroom, forehead to the mirror.
I gnaw on my cuticles. My third finger beads up with blood. Who’s the boy? Has he ever looked himself in the mirror with the sole intent of finding everything that’s wrong with him? Has he agonized for months over how to transform himself into something worthy of Lucas’s attention?
The door opens. I prepare to glare whoever it is into leaving, but Juniper’s and Olivia’s heads poke in. They approach me. Olivia stands stiff and upright, skeleton rigid. Juniper’s eyes glisten with sympathy.
I look back at the mirror. They stand beside me, Juniper with her blow-dried white-gold hair, Olivia with slim, dark jeans on her long legs. And me . . . Look at me, splotchy-faced and stumpy and never quite assembled correctly.
“You’ve got to talk to him,” Olivia says.
I grit my teeth. I have nothing to talk about with Lucas. Not our relationship, apparently based on misplaced trust, or the breakup, apparently the equivalent of a mercy killing. I have nothing to discuss with the boy who said I couldn’t compare—apparently comparing me to people I’d never imagined were competition.
Lucas and I never had sex, but we got close. How does that make sense? He wouldn’t have been able to do the things we did, right, if he’s gay? He must be bi; he has to be.
Leave it. Who cares? He has a boyfriend now. That’s the only thing I can think about. Him and somebody else, some nameless male concept.
“It’s not healthy, bottling it up,” Olivia says. “You stopped talking about it, so I thought—”
“I know.” Of course they thought I was over him. I’m supposed to be on top of my shit. I have better things to worry about than boys. Getting stuck like this is so humiliating.
“What are . . . how are you feeling?” Olivia asks.
My throat closes like a drawstring bag. Eventually, I manage, “Like you care.”
Juniper and Olivia trade a glance. “Wh—” Olivia starts.
“No,” I say. “I’ve started being the last person to hear about anything in your lives, so why should I tell you what this is like?”
I back up, heading for the door. “I’m just going to shut up. Forget about it.” I swallow. “Have a great time Saturday. I’m not coming.”
As I walk out, their expressions match. A dose of helplessness, a healthy serving of resignation . . . and the tiniest bit of exasperation.
I OPEN JUNIPER’S DOOR AND STAND BACK, LETTING in the first swarm of people. “Hey, guys,” I say. “Drinks are in the kitchen, that way. Right through the living room.”
Word has spread fast about this party, but since Claire’s blowup yesterday, Juniper’s heart hasn’t seemed to be in it anymore. We had a miniature pregame with just the two of us, but it was a downer, since we spent most of it talking about our missing third.
“You think she wants to friend-dump us?” Juniper asked between aggressive gulps of hard cider.
“Kind of seemed like it,” I said. “But maybe we do need to go on a friend-break while she sorts things out. I mean, she snapped at me for, like, talking to a boy. At this point, I’m kind of maxed out on that shit, you know?”
Juniper nodded. “There’s got to be something else going on there. I’m trying to see it from her perspective, but that’s sort of hard when she won’t, you know, talk to us.” She took another swig of cider. “Maybe she’ll show up tonight, and we can hash it out?”
“I wouldn’t count on it, Juni. Especially since Lucas’ll probably show.”