“Spence’s parents called Grandpa today to make arrangements for claiming his body. I’m going to have to shake his father’s hand and salute his mother and … Can you imagine that? They have to bury their son.”
Three years ago Jamie and Dad brought our mom’s remains here. To Adria. Now the Spencers have to make the opposite journey with their child. I can’t imagine anything worse. And by the look on his face, neither can Jamie.
“I can’t tell them that their son died a hero. I can’t hand them a folded flag and say it was all in service to his country. No. He died because he trusted me enough to follow me to that island.”
There’s a chink in Jamie’s armor now. He is vulnerable and flawed and it’s the most terrifying thing that I have ever seen. I need Jamie to be perfect. I need it so badly — so I don’t have to be.
“Jamie, it’s not your fault.”
“Spence was alive when I left him, Gracie. When I left him.” Jamie looks away and shakes his head. For the first time, I realize how much he looks like Dad. “I left a man behind. Do you know what that looks like? What that feels like? I’m going to have to go back to West Point and tell my teachers — tell my classmates — what happened here. Someone is dead because of me. Do you have any idea what that —”
I do know what that feels like — better than anyone. And Jamie just remembered. “It wasn’t your fault,” I tell him, but Jamie just shakes his head.
“He’s never been here before. He doesn’t … he didn’t know his way around.” Jamie grimaces as he remembers his friend is in the past tense now. “He didn’t speak the language.”
“Every person on that island goes to an English-speaking school, Jamie. And you know it.”
“He’s dead, Grace!” Not Gracie. “And when I left he wasn’t.”
Three years ago, on a dark night in a smoky building, I pulled a trigger and someone we loved died. What Jamie did — or didn’t do — is different. But guilt isn’t smart. It isn’t logical. It doesn’t only live in the places it belongs.
So I, better than anyone, should know just what to say to make my brother feel better. But it’s a trick question. The truth is, there’s nothing anyone can say.
“Jamie, talk to me. Or, fine. Don’t talk to me. Talk to Alexei!”
At this, my brother only glares.
We’re behind the embassy, right by the wall. Alexei is just on the other side of the fence, but Jamie is acting like they’re strangers.
“Have you talked to him?” I ask.
“Of course I haven’t talked to him,” Jamie says, and I can’t help myself. I take his basketball and throw it with all my might, high over the fence, into Russia’s backyard.
“Hey!” my brother snaps.
“Alexei’s probably home.” I shrug. “Go ask him for your ball back.”
“Brat,” he tells me, and starts toward the doors.
“What can I say? I’m mentally unstable.”
“Don’t joke.” Jamie is spinning on me.
Instinctively, I step back. “You used to have a sense of humor.”
“Not about that. Never about that,” he says. “Besides, someone murdered my friend, Grace. Forgive me if I don’t crack up.”
“Who said anything about murder? We don’t know what happened.”
“Oh,” he says, turning slowly to look at the Russian embassy, “I think we know a little bit of what happened.”
I follow his gaze, but I can’t believe them — the words he isn’t saying.
“No, Jamie. You can’t possibly think that Alexei …”
“He never left the island. Did you know that?” Jamie turns again, this time as if he can see through Adria’s great outer wall, as if he can look all the way out to the island, back into the past. “Spence. He was killed out there.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Our grandfather is the United States ambassador to Adria, Gracie. He gets briefed on these things.”
And Grandpa briefs Jamie. Nobody ever briefs me.
I try to follow where Jamie’s going with this. “So Spence never left the island. Okay. Maybe he got drunk and wandered off and fell. Hit his head. Drowned.”
“He didn’t drown, Gracie. His neck was broken.”
“So he fell and broke his neck!”
I am so used to Jamie being the calm one, the smart one. I’m not used to him being the cold one. But that’s exactly what he is as he looks back at the Russian fence.
“He’d been in a fight.”
“You can’t think Alexei did this. You can’t really, honestly think that.”
“Alexei’s been doing a lot of things I never thought he’d do.”
“Like what?” I demand.
“Like you guys got close.”
“You’re the one who asked him to look out for me.”
“Did he take advantage of you?”
“Did he … Ew. No!”
“Don’t lie to me, Gracie. I see the way he looks at you. How you two are together.”
“Spence is dead and that’s awful. It is so, so awful, and I’d give anything to go back and change that night. I know you would, too. But we can’t. Spence is gone. But if you don’t stop this you’re going to lose Alexei, too. And that would be tragic. Because that is something that you can still stop.”