He was the first boy I ever kissed. And in the deepest, darkest part of me I have to wonder if that’s what killed him.
It’s not as ludicrous as it sounds. After all, if Spence hadn’t kissed me then Alexei wouldn’t have hit him. If Alexei hadn’t hit him then they never would have fought on the beach. If they’d never fought on the beach then Jamie would never have left Spence on the island. And if Spence hadn’t been on that island then his body would have never washed ashore this morning.
I know it’s not rational. I know it’s not true. But knowing something and believing something are two totally different things, and right now I believe with all my soul that Spence is dead and I’m somehow to blame.
Spence is dead.
When I feel a hand on my arm I remember that Alexei’s still beside me. I’d give anything for him to be a thousand miles away.
“I’ll call you later,” I say as I step through the narrow gate and start to close it behind me.
“I’m not leaving you,” Alexei says, catching the metal latch before I can pull it closed. He sounds a little shocked I’d even think it.
“He won’t take the news well.”
Alexei steps closer, staring me down. “And that’s why I’m not leaving you.”
I could argue. I could fight. But it feels too good having him beside me, to know that, at least in this, I’m not alone. I step toward the doors and feel Alexei’s hand take mine. Wordlessly, he follows.
The lights are off in the foyer. I stand for a moment on the black and white tiles, watching. Listening. Light streams through the narrow windows on either side of the door, slicing through the shadows. I look up the stairs, listening for the sound of Ms. Chancellor’s high heels, ringing phones, and worried whispers, but the US embassy is business as usual. For now.
Should I find Ms. Chancellor or my grandfather first? Ms. Chancellor, I decide. She’ll know what to do, who to call, what —
“What’s he doing here?”
Jamie is standing on the stairs, looking down on us. His hair is still wet from the shower, but he doesn’t look refreshed. He’s looking at Alexei in a way I never thought I’d see. They were inseparable every summer of my childhood. They came home with scraped knees and knowing grins and secrets — so many secrets. But now I know something Jamie doesn’t know, and it doesn’t feel the way I always thought it would, being on the inside. I’d give anything not to know.
“There’s something we need to talk about.” Alexei glances at me, and, if possible, Jamie grows more distant.
“I’m not giving you my blessing,” he snaps.
“What?” I ask, then shake my head. “Never mind. Come on down, Jamie. We need to talk to you.”
“If you’ve come to say you’re sorry about last night, you can save your breath,” he says, passing us and glaring at Alexei. “You don’t owe me an apology. You owe one to Spence, and he’s not here. But as soon as he gets back —”
“Spence is dead.”
I didn’t mean to say it. Not so quickly. Not like that. But the words have been on a perpetual loop inside my mind and now they’re out, tumbling free. I know I should have broken the news gently, eased Jamie off the cliff. But eventually, he had to fall. And I have never been one to fall when I can jump.
“What are you talking about, Gracie?”
He thinks I’m lying.
Or maybe he’s just wishing, pretending he didn’t hear or trust my opinion on this — or anything, really. Never before has anyone wanted me to be so wrong. I can see it in his eyes.
“Spence’s body just washed ashore. I’m so sorry. He died.”
“I don’t know what you think you’re saying, but —”
“Jamie. It’s true,” Alexei says, and I know that this confuses my brother.
“No.” Jamie shakes his head. “Spence is nineteen. He’s not dead.”
“He is.” I grab hold of my brother’s shirt. It’s an old one from before West Point and it’s a little too tight across the chest. Buttons pull and gap. With the tiniest tug, he might break free. “We were on the beach and …”
I can hear the breaking of the waves, the screams.
This says his name is Blakely.
“Blakely,” I whisper as my vision narrows, filling with spots. It’s like the world is running out of air.
“It’s okay.” Alexei’s hands are on my shoulders, gripping tight. “Breathe, Gracie. Breathe.”
“Why is she saying that?” I hear Jamie ask. He sounds so confused. Stunned. This is a bad dream. It has to be.
“Your friend must have been wearing your jacket. For a moment, she believed it was you.”
I hear my brother cuss. And then he takes Alexei’s place beside me.
I can hear him, see him, feel him. And yet I can’t stop hearing the voice on the beach.
This says his name is Blakely.
“Gracie —”
“I’m okay.” I force the words out. This is no time for me to fall apart. “I’m fine.”
“Gracie, why would you say that Spence is dead?”