“Well, at least it’s not the Oaknorth Dynasty hosting the Fall Ball this year like they usually do, because that’d be even more obvious. The Oaknorth estate is undergoing renovations, so the ball’s going to be at the St. Tristan palace instead,” Keller adds.
“God, Dani. You’re always beating me up over keeping secrets, but all this time you’ve been hiding juicy secrets of your own,” I interject then.
Dani rolls her eyes.
“It’s hardly the same thing. Lance asked me to the Fall Ball. That’s not the same as him rolling around in my bed behind everyone’s back.”
I groan and cover my face with my hands. The last thing I need is to be reminded of Raph St. Tristan in my bed. I’m like a recovering addict and any mention of him is bad for me.
I bite down on my lip to stop myself from asking the next question, but I must be a glutton for punishment, because I ask it anyway.
“Is Raph going with …?”
God. It’s so pathetic, that I can’t even say it out loud.
Keller’s expression falters and my stomach drops because I know that look. It’s the look that someone has before they tell you that although you’ve survived the terrible accident, the person that was in the car with you hasn’t.
Keller picks up a beautiful red dress, made of pure silk and lace.
She hands it to me and closes my hands over the hanger.
“Call Devon and tell him you’ll go to the Fall Ball with him.”
Sovereign Hall is quiet that night when I get home. Keller stayed behind in Arcadia to meet some friends and Dani went back to her dorm after dropping me off.
There doesn’t seem to be anyone else home as I drop my dress bag on the kitchen counter and start making myself a sandwich.
I hear footsteps coming down the marble stairs and I feel my blood freeze when I look up to see Raph walking towards the kitchen. He’s wearing grey sweats and nothing else. The sight of his golden skin and ripped chest makes me think of his body lying next to mine all those nights. Not touching. But then again, he never did need to. Every fiber of my being comes alive at just his presence and it’s probably the most pathetic thing in the entire universe.
I don’t pay him any attention as I continue making my sandwich, not even when I feel those blue eyes on me.
“So, we’re not even speaking now?” he says finally, and his tone irritates me because why the hell should he be pissed? He’s the one who’s been toying with me like a freaking yo-yo.
“I thought we were meant to be friends.”
I laugh harshly then.
“We were never friends, asshole. You hated me, made my life a living hell. Then for whatever reason, you stopped with that form of torture, and came up with another way to break me.”
“What? Jaz, I told you that’s not what it was.”
“Okay, but you also told me that you don’t want anything to do with me. So clearly you have some kind of split personality disorder, because I don’t know what the hell you’re doing talking to me right now.”
He falls silent then.
“What are you doing here?”
Still silence.
“Okay. Well then, there’s nothing for us to talk about.
I turn back to my sandwich. But he doesn’t leave and I can feel myself getting angrier all the while.
From the corner of my eye, I see his gaze fall on the dress bag on the counter.
“Are you going to the Fall Ball with Devon?” he asks, and my temper hits the roof.
“That’s none of your business,” I reply. I haven’t called Devon yet and honestly, I’m not sure if I’m going to go through with it. But Raph is sure pushing me in that direction.
“Just answer the question, Jaz.”
“Sure, I’ll answer the question. If you answer mine—who are you going to the Fall Ball with?”
I shouldn’t give a damn about who he’s going to the Fall Ball with. I don’t want to care. But some stupid, weak, na?ve part of me is wishing that he’ll say no one or that, even more pathetic, he’ll ask me to go with him right then and there.
But of course, he doesn’t, and the flash of guilt in his eyes tells me everything I need to know.
“God, you’re so twisted. I can’t even look at you without feeling like I want to hurl.”
“Jaz—” He reaches out for me, but the look burning in my eyes makes him drop his hand to his side. Because if he so much as touches me, I think I’ll explode.
“You told me that you can’t do this, that this can never happen, that anything that did happen was a mistake. So what do you want from me?” I’m almost screaming now.
He doesn’t answer and I make to walk away, but his words stop me.
“There’s so much you don’t know, Jaz. So much you don’t understand about this world, about who I am in it.”
“Then make me understand. Tell me.”
Those blue eyes sear into mine and I wait for him.
“I can’t,” he says finally, turning away from me.
“And it won’t make a damned bit of difference anyway, because I can’t give you what you need.”
I’m done.
“You’re so messed up and I’m done letting you mess with me. You hate me one minute, you sleep in my bed and try to kiss me the next, then you’re telling me how it’s all a mistake, that you can’t be with me. That you don’t want me. But you’re warning every guy at school off me and you don’t want me going to this stupid dance with someone else? Do you know how messed up you are?”
“Yes!” He shouts. He moves towards me then, quick as a flash of light. His hands are holding my face, his fingers devastatingly gentle, although his words rage like fire.
“I know how messed up I am. Trust me, I know. I’m fucked up because when I’m around you, I can’t think straight. Because the thought of you with someone else makes me feel like I’m going to lose my goddamn mind.”
His words floor me and at the same time, they make me come alive. My heart is pounding so fast, it feels like it might burst out of my chest. There are a million questions roaring through my mind, but when I look into those midnight blue eyes, I see the answer, and everything inside me stills.
“But none of it matters, right? Because you don’t want me?”
He closes his eyes then and lets go. That impossibly beautiful face is a picture of defeat. But he’s not the only one who’s lost, we both have.
“It can’t matter, Jaz. I can’t want you. You deserve …” he lets out a long breath. “More. So much more. But it doesn’t matter, because I can’t give you more—I don’t have more to give.”
It was almost cruel for him to tell me all of that, only to say that none of it even matters, that it could never matter.
There’s nothing left in me as I pick up the dress bag and turn to face him one last time.
“Okay,” I say quietly. “Then, to answer your question, I am going with Devon.”
I don’t stay to listen to what else he might have to say, because as we’ve both just admitted to each other, none of it can matter anyway.
22
I’m grateful for Keller’s choice because even I can’t deny that this red dress is smoking hot. The dress clings to my curves and is cut low in all the right places, so as to entice a little, but not too much. The silk makes the ensemble look elegant, while the lace makes it just the right kind of sexy.