I could see a kind of swirling vortex opening up in front of me. It was black and gray, with flashes of lightning. It was filled with pain and misery, and it was where I wanted to be. All I wanted to do right then was follow Johnny and our baby into oblivion.
Every inch of me hurt, inside and out. From the soles of my feet to the hair on my head, I was a pulsing knot of hurt. I’d never known such pain. This was the miscarriage times a million. Times infinity.
HARBINGER JONES
Cheyenne’s scream ripped a hole in me. It ripped a hole in the world.
I turned away from my mom, went to Chey, and knelt down beside her.
“Chey,” I said, but I don’t think she heard me.
“Chey.” A little louder, still nothing. I touched her gently on the shoulder.
CHEYENNE BELLE
I looked up, and Harry was standing next to me. I never saw him cross the room, but somehow his hand was on my shoulder. That black vortex of death was trying to suck me in and pull me away from all of this, and that was what I wanted. I wanted it so bad.
The alternative, to keep going, to face what had happened, to live knowing that Johnny’s suicide was all my fault, was more terrifying than oblivion. I was more afraid of living than of dying. Way more afraid. If I could just fall into the black hole, everything would be okay.
But I couldn’t. Harry’s hand was holding me firm to the earth. Firm to the floor of his basement.
When I looked at him, Harry’s eyes were floating in a sea of saltwater, and they were filled with worry and dread. Whether that was for Johnny, me, or all three of us, I didn’t know. But Harry’s eyes were real, they were something for me to hold on to. I grabbed hold and wouldn’t let go.
RICHIE MCGILL
Harry’s mom was on the ground, too. I didn’t see her go down, but there she was, on the floor, crying like the rest of us. After everything that had happened to Harry, Mrs. J. must’ve worried about him doing something like this. Johnny had to be a knife in her fucking heart.
The whole scene was starting to freak me out big-time. I needed to do something.
HARBINGER JONES
Richie got up from behind the drums, walked over, and put a hand on my back. When I looked up, his face was streaked with tears and his cheeks were flush. He mouthed, “Are you okay? Should I go?” I nodded and silently thanked the God I didn’t believe in for a friend like Richie McGill.
CHEYENNE BELLE
I buried my face in Harry’s chest and screamed and cried. He just kept saying he was sorry and that it was going to be okay, over and over and over again. It was a lie, and we both knew it. Nothing was going to be okay, ever again.
RICHIE MCGILL
I helped Harry’s mom up off the floor, partly to help her out of the room so Harry and Chey could have some space, and partly to get the fuck out of there myself. I felt like I was gonna puke or explode or something if I stayed in that basement one more minute.
Mrs. J. walked me to the entryway by the front door and gave me a long hug. She sniffled a few times but was starting to pull her shit together.
“Do you want to stay? Do you want me to call your father?”
“No, I’ll be okay.” I started to leave but then turned around. “Wait, do you want me to stay with you for a bit?”
She paused for a minute and then kind of hung her head and nodded. I swear to God she looked like a little kid.
I took her arm and led Mrs. J. to the kitchen. She made us both tea, we talked about Johnny, and we waited for Harry and Chey to come upstairs. We waited a long time.
CHEYENNE BELLE
I don’t know how long Harry and I were on the floor, but when I looked up, Richie and Mrs. Jones were gone. I stayed there and cried until I felt like there must’ve been blood pouring out of my eyes. That was the last thing I remembered, thinking that there was blood pouring out of my eyes.
HARBINGER JONES
I held Chey until she fell asleep.
I stroked her hair while I thought about Johnny. I kept remembering the first day he and I met, and how he’d saved me from a bully. He’d swooped in and saved me like he was Superman. But he did more than save me from a bully.
When I met Johnny, I was a nothing, a nobody. No, wait, strike that. I was something worse. I was a pariah. At least a nobody can fade into the background. I couldn’t do that because people couldn’t help but notice me. Once Johnny and I found each other, all that changed.
In every way imaginable, Johnny McKenna saved my life.
But I couldn’t save him.
I didn’t even try.
It turns out I’m a nothing after all.
I cried until I fell asleep, too.
Chey and I stayed there like that, on the floor, in each other’s arms. We were together, but we were broken, and we were, each of us, utterly and completely alone.
PART TEN,
MARCH 1987
I don’t think Jimi committed suicide in the conventional way. He just decided to exit when he wanted to.
—Eric Burdon, on Jimi Hendrix
What do you miss most about Johnny McKenna?
HARBINGER JONES