I understand his feelings, but neither of us were perfect. If I’d told him about the baby a few months ago, what would it have done? It was a million years ago, and losing that baby was the single most lifealtering moment until Todd’s death.
“So you get drunk and show up at my house? Decide you want to yell at me? Tell me how wrong I am? You don’t think you could’ve handled this a little different?”
“I handled this wrong?” He chortles. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!”
“We both did!” I yell back. “I’m not saying I was right, but how is this helping us?”
This is the Presley and Zachary of old times. Two hot-headed and emotional people. Yes, he’s sweet and loving, but he has an angry side. When you poke the bear, he roars loud. Funny thing is that I’m the same. He’s pissed me off by coming here yelling at me.
“No, you know what’s wrong, Presley?” The rage rolls off him in waves. “Getting back to my house last night, ready to see you, and then finding out we had a baby and you’ve been lying to me for seventeen years.”
“How did you hear about this, Zachary?” Now I’m angry. He wants to be a condescending prick? I’ll go right back at him. The only person who knows is Angie, and she didn’t tell him. “Huh? Who opened your eyes to the lying bitch that I am?”
He winces slightly. “I never called you a bitch.”
“Who told you?” My voice is eerily calm. Almost sweet, but there’s nothing sweet about this.
“It’s irrelevant.”
“The hell it is!” I yell while marching toward him.
He buries his hands in his hair and moves away from me again. “I need to know why you didn’t tell me.” Zach’s anger has dissolved. The hostility that was there has morphed into disappointment. “After everything we’ve talked about, how the hell could you keep this from me?”
There are a variety of answers I could give him. My life has been a road paved with spikes and nails. I’ve plugged, patched, and replaced the tire, but the car has never ridden the same. The loss of a child isn’t a patch job.
Zach’s back is against the wall, so I walk toward him until we’re touching. “I never speak about it. Somewhere deep inside of me, it lives, but for the most part, I don’t think about it ever. You were the one man I dreamt my whole life of sharing a child with. When that dream became my worst nightmare, I became hollow.” His eyes lock on mine. “When I got back here, I was dealing with Todd’s suicide, my debt, my boys, and the last thing I wanted to do was go back to that pain too. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but honestly, I didn’t want to live in the past once we’d made the decision to start over.”
“You had no problem throwing the past in my face,” he says with frustration.
He’s right. I didn’t. “I was wrong.”
“I’ve lived with guilt for all these years from walkin’ away from the girl I loved more than anything. I’ve struggled with forgiving myself. I’ve fought every damn day to prove that I’m better for you!” He moves forward, forcing me to retreat. “I’ve given you every part of me, Presley.” His chest heaves as tears form in his own eyes. “Me! Only me! I’ve kept all your secrets! I’ve stood by your side. Held you when you’ve cried over everything that Todd put you through!”
“I didn’t ask you to keep secrets,” I scream. “So now you’re going to use Todd’s suicide against me?” I push him back. “I was leaning on you. Do you think it was easy for me to tell you that he killed himself?”
“Don’t talk about my daddy!” Logan rushes forward, pushing against Zach.
My stomach drops. I don’t know when he got here, but this wasn’t supposed to be how my son learned the truth.
This is all my fault. Secrets come to light no matter how hard we try to bury them.
“L OGAN!” I RUSH TOWARD HIM.
“That didn’t happen! My daddy would never! He loved me!” He slams his hands on Zach’s legs.
Zach crouches down and holds Logan. “Of course he loved you,” Zach says, looking at me with regret.
“You’re not allowed to yell at my mom!” He continues to thrash in his arms. “You’re not my dad!”
“I know, little man. I know I’m not. But I care about you.”
“No, you don’t! You’ll never be my dad! I hate you!”
The stitches holding together my shredded heart rip apart. Again my son is hurting. I’m so inept. I don’t know how to do this. How do I keep screwing up?
I grab Logan and pull him into my arms. “Stop! Logan, stop!”
He fights me away, trying to get to Zach. “Logan.” Zach’s voice is desolate. “Logan, I’m not . . . I . . . I would never try to take your dad’s place.” His eyes are filled with fear. I don’t know what to do. I can’t believe Logan heard what I said. “I would never hurt your mom.”
I cradle him. “Zach and I . . .” I start but what the hell do I even say? We were fighting? So what? He never should have heard it like this. “I’m sorry, Lo.”
“Why did you lie about Daddy? Why did you say he killed himself? He didn’t.” Logan begins to cry. “His heart stopped!”