My mother gets in the car with disappointment rolling off her. There’s so much to be said between all of us. Years of disappointment and resentment hang in the air. Right now, though, I don’t care about any of it. I can’t see past my own anguish.
I look at my sweet boys. I see their pain and wish I could take it away. But I can’t. All I can do is let them know that they have so many people here who love them. People who will always be here. Even if their father didn’t think we were worth living for. “I want you to know something. We all love you boys . . . so much. Nana and Papa, Grandma and Grandpa, Aunt Angie, and of course, me. You’re surrounded by people who would do anything for you.” I glance at my father, hoping he’ll hear my message to him. “Loving someone doesn’t stop just because you don’t see them any more.”
Both boys nod and busy themselves with their video games. As much as I hate those things, I’m grateful the boys can get lost in them for a little bit.
We return to the house, and I head to my room. Logan and Cayden convinced my parents to take them to dinner, so I’m alone for the first time since Todd . . . died. My mother never eats out. Everything comes from scratch. Cooking is her true love. Getting her to agree to let someone else touch her food is not an easy feat. Those boys know how to get what they want.
I flop on the bed with my black dress still on. Black. That’s how I feel—void of any light or color.
I stare at the bathroom door. I rise and my feet move of their own accord to the place where he was last. My knees touch the cold tiles, then my hands, before my entire body presses against the floor. I’m so cold, but I don’t move. Needing to feel close to him, my body touches the last place he was. “We had so much left to do, Todd. We had children to raise, vacations to take, and love still left to make. Our time wasn’t up. You promised me forever.” I curl my legs. “Forever wasn’t over. I’m still here, dammit. What do I do now, huh? How do I keep this home together? You’ve set fire to every part of our life! You’ve killed me alongside of you!” I shout as cries shudder through me. My chest heaves as I cling to my legs. “I’m so mad. I’m so confused. No note? No explanation why? Fuck you! I needed you! I gave up everything for you and then you do this? I hate you right now.” I close my eyes, allowing the tears to leak out as I fall asleep.
“Presley.” A familiar voice causes my eyes to open. “Presley, honey, wake up.”
I pull the covers over my head. “Go away. I don’t want to talk to anyone.”
It’s been a little over a week since the funeral. Eighteen days since Todd took his own life. I alternate between being awake and angry and sleeping. That’s all I can manage now. I know I’m not providing what the kids need, but I can’t find my way through the fog. There’s nothing guiding me. The haze is too thick, and my heart is too heavy.
“Too bad.” Angie rips the blanket off. “You’ve been asleep for a while. My parents are downstairs. They’d like to see you before they head to the airport.”
Fighting her on this is pointless. I grumble as I get out of bed, throwing on my oversized sweater and squeezing my midsection.
We descend the stairs as they both give me sad smiles. My mother-in-law’s eyes are puffy from all the crying she’s done. She doesn’t want to leave the boys and me—or Todd. She’s gone to the gravesite every morning. “We can’t stay any longer. I wish we could, honey,” Pearl says.
“I understand.”
My father-in-law steps forward, “Presley, there are a few things you’ll need to take care of. The insurance agent that I set Todd up with called. You’ll need to get in touch with him first thing tomorrow. If you have any questions about any paperwork, call me.”
I nod.
“Thank you, Martin. I appreciate it.” He and Angie are the only ones who know the truth surrounding Todd’s death.
“You come visit with the boys, okay?” Pearl’s eyes tear as she pulls me into her arms. “We love you all very much. I’m just . . .”
I console her before Martin pulls her back. “We’re always here for you. You’re like our own daughter.”
“Thank you.”
Cayden and Logan rush over to them, wrapping their arms around their grandparents. “I’ll miss you, Grandma.”
They say their goodbyes and I make my way to the couch. Angie heads over with a mug of coffee to where I sit. “Here. Drink it.” I take it in my hands but can’t muster the strength to take a sip. “Boys, can you go play in the back for a few minutes?”
I glance at their faces, taking in the small smiles I haven’t seen recently as they head out the door.
“I’m going to say this to you, and I need you to listen.” Angie sits next to me. “Know that I love you.”
My eyes meet hers. There’s a dark rim around her blue irises. The bags under her eyes are darker than I remember.
“Presley?” she says, breaking my trance.
“Yeah, I’m listening.”
She lets out a heavy sigh. “Are you listening? I mean, are you doing anything?”