I open the balcony doors and sit on the couch. “I’ve tried to reassure her. I don’t know. She really liked you. She was sad you were gone.”
“So sad that she moved in, and when you’re around she talks to me one way, and when you’re gone she treats me differently.”
“What are you talking about?”
She’s about to explode, but she seems to calm herself down with a few deep breaths. When she reopens her eyes, she says, “I can help April find a place to live that will be safe and affordable.”
“Okay. I’m sure she’d appreciate the help.”
I wouldn’t go as far as to say it’s a smile on her face, but it’s not a frown either, so I’ll take it. Picking up my T-shirt from the floor, she pulls it over her head, and goes into the bathroom. “You know that’s dirty, right?” I say loud enough for her to hear in the other room.
“I do,” she replies, making me smile.
When she reappears, she leans against the doorframe. “Since you insist on leaving at all hours though I want you here, I’ll have to settle for your T-shirt, I guess.”
“I’m sorry.”
Her hands fly into the air. “Nope. We’ve done this dance, Alexander. I’ve never asked you to stop, because I know you won’t. So I’m trying to give you the space you apparently need. I’m tired of fighting you on this.” Holding the shirt up to her nose, she inhales. “I like the way you smell. I wish it was you in the flesh, but this will have to keep me company when you’re not around.”
She’s a goddamn goddess. “C’mere.”
Coming to me without hesitation, my insides coil, and my underwear tightens. Such a good girl. She makes me hard when she’s strong. She makes me harder when she submits to me.
Her hips sway as she comes my way, the cotton hem of my T-shirt dragging against the middle of her thighs. She’s a present I want to unwrap layer by layer, savoring the anticipation of what’s inside. Sitting on my lap, she quenches my thirst before my throat goes dry and satisfies my cravings before they strike. Running my hands over her back, I say, “I will never need anyone else as long as I have you.”
She tenses when my hand comes around, fingers spread wide over her abdomen.
“Our baby would have been handsome, just like you.”
“The baby. I’m sorry for losing our baby.”
Those two lines now unavoidable as they replay in my mind. “You came back because you were pregnant.”
“You were my home, Alexander. I was already coming back to you before I found out I was pregnant.”
“Did Jason know?”
This time, I like that she remains at ease in my arms, proving him wrong. She does trust me. “He knew.”
“Why?”
“Because he sold me the pregnancy test.” Her gaze disappears into the night sky outside. “I was embarrassed, but he made it okay. He made me feel okay when nothing felt right.”
Looking at her expression, I can see his affection for her is one-sided. As she said, he was a friend to her, and I should feel thankful she had that. Even though I’m a jealous fool, I know he’ll watch out for her, protect her while Cruise and I uncover the truth or lies between O’Hare and Johnson and my mother. I know he’ll make sure she’s safe if I can’t. “Why didn’t you come back with me? Just leave that motel behind and get on the back of the bike and hold on.”
“It’s hard to dream big when you’re stuck in a small space.”
“That motel room was small.”
She looks me in the eyes, her hand brushing against the back of my neck. “I wasn’t talking about the motel.”
“What are you talking about?” I find myself whispering, somehow afraid of her answer.
“Your world is so wide open and big for you. But for me, it can be confining sometimes.”
Is that why she left me? “You have to find your place. Our love gives you the right. What do you want to do in life?”
“Live outside your spotlight.” I try not to cringe by how direct she is, but I know my girl. I know this is how she has felt for some time.
“You’re so sure of what you don’t want, but what do you want, Sara Jane?”
She tugs at a loose thread at the bottom of the shirt, but stops when I ask the question. Beneath lashes that curve to the moon, she says, “I want to finish school. I want to be with you—married, and have kids. Lots of kids. I want to live a happy life.”
“Even though I’m so fucked up?”
“You’re not fucked up. You’re still lost, looking for answers that will one day bring you home.”
“Home,” I repeat, the word becoming a goal, but repeated in my head like a mantra. Checking the time, I move her up and stand behind her. “Let’s get you back to bed.”
“I like it right here.”
Her smile evokes mine. “Me too.” I kiss her shoulder, and we look at the stars shining like dusts of hope scattered above.
It feels good to feel content—quiet—something I haven’t felt in years. The urge to run off on a wild hunt for answers doesn’t spike like it normally does at this hour. When our eyes meet, there are no lies between us. Not anymore. Maybe we’d be better off if we did lie, letting the other believe that no damage has been done.
We can’t though. Sara Jane and I are built the same that way. We’d rather be mad and know the truth than find bliss in the lies. She reaches for me, and I move closer, letting her pull me until my head is buried in the crook of her neck.
She kisses my cheek and I kiss her on the lips. I take her back to bed and climb in next to her, her smile worth taking the night off for.
I should do this more often, preferring the peace with her to anything I’d find outside this bed. Should.
21
Sara Jane
The waiting room of the doctor’s office needs their floor scrubbed. The dirt caught in the cracks of the tile brings back memories when dirt and rocks cut into my skin as I lay dying . . .
My jaw aches from the hit across my face, but I don’t fall. I won’t give him that pleasure. The biting taste of blood coats my mouth and my vision blurs. With one arm across my stomach, I’ll fight. For Alexander, I’ll fight. For this baby, I’ll fight harder.
“Sara Jane?” I jump at the sound of my name. Alexander is kneeling before me. “They called your name.”
“Oh.” I hate that my mind continues to replay that day. The littlest things have become tragic reminders that haunt me.
I take his offered hand and follow him to the door a nurse is holding open. He whispers, “You okay?”
“Yeah . . .” Despite trying to tamp down the memories and pretend it didn’t happen to lessen everyone else’s worries, I’m struggling to hide the pain I endured. I’m being forced to remember because of common things like dirt. I can’t fall victim to that day again. Not when Alexander needs me to be strong.