“I know.”
“Where were you?”
“Out.”
“Out where?”
“None of your business.” My brows furrowed. “You got a train?”
Tadhg nodded stiffly. “Yeah.”
“But you’re almost twelve.”
“I know.”
“You haven’t played with trains since you were seven.”
“I know.”
“That’s probably for Sean or Ollie,” I offered, setting Sean down and reaching for the wrapping paper. “Ma – Santa must have put the wrong name on it.”
“It’s not,” Tadhg replied quietly, holding a gift tag up for me. “It’s for me.”
Boy, aged 7-11
the blue gift tag read, and I felt sick, suddenly knowing exactly where the sparse amount of presents under the tree had come from.
Ballylaggin’s charity Christmas toy appeal.
Because in this town, our family was considered a charity case.
“What did you get?” I forced myself to ask Ollie, striving for all I was worth to keep my tone light.
“Oh, I gots this super cool game,” he explained, reaching for a travel-size edition of Connect Four.
“Got,” Tadhg corrected wearily. ”It’s got, not gots.”
“Got,” Ollie chimed back. “And Seany gots this glowing worm.“
“Got!”
“Uh-huh, got,” Ollie repeated grinning up at me. “Want to play, Joe?”
No, I want to die.
“Maybe later,” I replied, “But you should go check my room. Maybe Santa left something in there.”
Three pairs of widened brown eyes locked on me. “Again?”
I shrugged. “You never know.”
“You absolute legend!” Tadhg hooted, bolting past me for the staircase. “
“Come on, Sean,” Ollie squealed, pulling the baby of the family up the rickety staircase after him. “I bet Santa hid the good presents in Joey’s room again this year!”
“Yes!” I heard Tadhg cheer from upstairs. “Deadly!”
Shaking my head, I ignored the vibrating in my pocket and stalked into the kitchen, to where my mother was peeling potatoes. “You couldn’t get them anything they wanted?” I demanded in a hushed tone. “Not even a fucking football?”
“I didn’t have any money left over after the groceries,” she replied, blushing.
“You couldn’t spare a tenner?” I demanded, throwing my hands up. “Tadhg was gutted in there. He’s not a baby anymore, Mam. He knows where those presents come from and it’s fucking humiliating for him. I know. I’ve been him. I’ve been the kid whose friends’ parents donated their unwanted shit to. It’s horrible.”
Mam sniffled. “Yeah, well, I’m sure whatever you bought him will save the day.”
There was an edge to her tone, and it got my back up.
I narrowed my eyes. “You’re pissed with me because I saved your ass? Again?”
“No, I’m not pissed with you. I’m embarrassed. I feel bad enough about it, Joey, I really do,” she mumbled, keeping her chin tucked down, as she clumsily peeled the potatoes. “So please spare me the third degree.”
“You can’t afford the kids you already have, so you decided that it would be the perfect time to throw another into the mix?” I couldn’t stop myself from throwing at her. “What’s going to happen to this one if you can’t look after it? Because I’m not doing it again, do ya hear me? I’m not mothering another newborn.”
She flinched like I struck her. “There’s nothing you can say that will make me feel worse than I already do.”
Leaning a hip against the counter, I stared at her and asked, “What about the money I gave you? Couldn’t you have bought them something with that?”
She didn’t respond.
“Mam?”
Nothing.
“What did you do with the money I gave you?”
“Your father owed some money,” she finally admitted, voice barely more than a broken whisper. “It couldn’t wait.”
“Jesus Christ, that was two hundred euro!” Blowing out a breath, I ran a hand through my hair in frustration. “It was for you and the kids, not his gambling debts and bar ticks! Do you have any idea how long that took me to save up?” I gaped at her. “Mam, that was a week’s wage to me. I won’t be paid again until the new year – and neither will you.”
“I know,” she whispered, sniffling. “I’m sorry.”
“And if the electric goes in the meantime?” I demanded, feeling panicked. “Or we run out of coal for the fire before either one of us gets paid next? What then?”
“Joey.“
“How are we going to heat them, Mam?” I choked out, heart thumping violently in my chest. “How are we going to keep them warm?”
“I’ll get paid my children’s allowance money next week,” she strangled out. “We’ll cope until then.”
“Your children’s allowance money?” I glared at her in disbelief. “You’re depending on an income that he has always blown on drink to get us by?”
“Your father is off the drink,” she was quick to defend. “He swears it this time.”
“Just stop.“ Holding a hand up, I turned and walked out of the kitchen before I lost it. “I can’t hear another word.”
“Joey, wait!”
“How long are we going to keep living like this, Mam?” I tossed over my shoulder. “Because I’m really running on empty here.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying that maybe those kids would be better off in care.”
Moving for the staircase, I ignored my mother’s pleading tone as she begged me to come back and talk to her and hurried up to my room.
“He didn’t leave them under the tree. The silly Billy hid our presents in your wardrobe, Joe,” Ollie exclaimed, clutching the weird-ass Gizmo-looking creature he had begged Santa for – the one Molloy and I had queued up for hours in the pissing rain to secure. “See?” He held up the creepy doll creature for all to see. “Santa’s the best.”
“Mind him,” I warned. Fucker cost me a half a week’s wages.
“Yeah.” Setting his new hurley down on my bed, Tadhg walked over to where I was standing in the doorway and wrapped his arms around my waist, hugging me tightly. “He really is the best.”
“O-ee, O-ee.” Pulling on the leg of my jeans, Sean grappled for my attention. “O-ee?” Reaching down, he grabbed his Elmo and held it up for me. “E-mo.”
“Good job,” I praised, sinking down to his level. “And see this fella?” I held the red teddy up to him. “He uses the potty just like Seany.”
“Happy birthday, Joe,” Shannon said from behind me, and I swung around just in time to see her produce a homemade cake from behind her back. “I know you’re eighteen today,” she added with a blush. “But I could only find four candles.”
“Make a wish, Joe,” Ollie cheered. “And don’t tell us what it is, or it won’t come true.”
“You made me a cake?”
Blushing a deeper shade of pink, my little sister nodded.
I cocked a brow. “An edible cake?”
“Is that so hard to believe?” she laughed. “I’ve been cooking your dinner for years and I haven’t poisoned you yet, have I?”
“Not yet.” Standing up, I ruffled her hair. “Thanks, Shan. Did you get the CD Santa left on your nightstand?”
“Yes.” She beamed up at me. “He was most generous.”
“Come on, Joe,” Ollie groaned. “Make a wish and blow out the cangles. I want some cake.”
Tadhg sighed. “It’s candles, not cangles.”
“That’s what I said.”
“No, it’s not.”
“Yes, it is.”
“Jesus, don’t start this shit already.” Leaning in, I quickly blew out the candles before looking to my sister and saying, “You didn’t have to do this for me.”
“I would do so much more if I could,” she replied, leaning in for a half-hug, while she batted several small hands away from the cake. “I love you, Joe.”
“O-ee,” Seany crooned, clutching my leg. “O-ee.”
“We all do,” Tadhg begrudgingly agreed. “Love you, that is.”
“Uh-huh,” Ollie added. “So much.”
“Yeah.” I blew out a pained breath and took stock of the small humans circling me. “Right back at ye.”
I was officially eighteen years old.
I could walk right out the front door, and nobody could stop me.
I could leave.
I could be free.
But the four small faces staring expectantly up at me were so defenseless, so utterly dependent on my ability to provide for and protect them, that I knew in my heart that I would never leave this house until I could take them with me.
Whether it was love or duty that kept me shackled here, the lines were too blurred to differentiate, but one thing I was sure of was that I would never become to them what Darren had become to me.
I would never abandon them.
If I could do nothing else, then I would spare them that pain.
THE AFTERMATH
DECEMBER 27TH 2004