“Why do I feel like there is a ‘but’ coming?”
I sigh, burying my face in her partially-damp hair. “Because, I don’t know if this morning changes anything.”
She turns across my lap and takes my face in her hand, forcing me to look at her. “What would this morning have changed?”
Having to look into the eyes of the woman you love, more than anything, and tell her you aren’t sure you can satisfy her is probably the most fucked up, torturous thing a man can do. I haven’t even said anything and already my chest feels like it has been ripped open and battery acid poured inside.
“That night, when you left…”
She nods, urging me to continue.
“…that wasn’t the first time that happened.”
She takes my hand in hers and squeezes it gently. “The first time what happened, baby?”
“That I had a panic attack. The other ones just weren’t that bad.”
“When did they start?”
I knew she would ask. That question was inevitable. So is giving her the answer I know will hurt her no matter how I say it.
“When I met you.”
She freezes, her entire body tensing as she processes my words.
“Danika, listen to me. This isn’t about you. You did nothing wrong. This is about me, and how fucked up I am in the head without ever realizing it.” The tears pool in her eyes and threaten to fall, clinging to her bottom lashes. “Please don’t cry. Let me explain.”
She nods. I wipe the tears from her face.
“You know I haven’t dated anyone since the accident. What I never told you was that for almost eight months after the accident, I wasn’t sure if I would ever be able to be with anyone again.”
Her eyes widen and I know she understands what I’m trying to say.
“You mean…?” I nod and she glances down at my crotch. Natural reaction to telling someone you were impotent, I guess. “So, what happened?”
I shrug. “Eventually the surgeries were completed and the swelling finally went down. My body was able to recover and some of the nerves regenerated. Let me tell you, I’ve never been so happy to have morning wood as I was that day.”
“Oh, my God! Do you think that’s why Becca left?”
Danika always has a way of getting right to the heart of the matter, and then kicking you in the balls. I should have known she’d see right through me.
“I don’t know, maybe. I’m sure it was part of it. We didn’t know what was going to happen, or what our lives would be like. She couldn’t handle it, and honestly, I don’t blame her.”
“She was a total cunt.”
I can’t stifle my laugh, and I drop my head back before kissing her. “I won’t disagree with that. The truth is, I never realized what all that, and her leaving, did to me emotionally. I put so much into just getting stronger and getting back to my business, I never really let myself consider anything else.”
“Until I came along…”
I squeeze her hand and bring it to my mouth, brushing my lips across her knuckles. “Until you came along.”
“So, every time I tried to have sex with you, you were freaking the fuck out, and I was essentially instigating a panic attack?” Her tears begin again and I sigh.
“No, baby, don’t think about it that way. It wasn’t anything you did. It was what I was doing to myself. Dr. Cochran made me realize what I’ve been doing, and how unfair it was to you.”
The way she looked at me that night, standing beside my bed, completely broken, I’ll never forget that as long as I live. I never want to see her like that again, especially because of something I did.
“I never meant to hurt you,” I continue. “I just didn’t understand what was going on, or why, and I didn’t know how to deal with it.”
She watches me silently. For someone who is constantly talking, the silence from her is deafening. I know she’s just processing what I said, but I fear she is over thinking. Finally, she clears her throat.
“So, all this distance you put between us, it was because you thought you couldn’t have sex with me?”
“It isn’t that simple.”
“Oh no? Well, I think this morning proved it is that simple.”
Not that simple, not by a long shot. She didn’t know me before. There’s no way she will understand. My frustration grows. I’m trying to figure out a way to make her comprehend my real struggle. “No, it really isn’t.”
She lets out an exasperated sigh and drops back against the couch. “Then explain it to me. I’m not understanding what the problem is here.”
Oh, fuck it…
“The problem is I don’t know how to have sex.”
She bursts out laughing until she realizes I’m not joking. “Wait, you’re serious? Baby, did we not have sex twice this morning?”
I scrub my hands down my face in frustration. “You didn’t know me before. That was not how sex usually went with me before the accident. In case you haven’t noticed, I am a bit of a control freak.”