Not that I haven’t seen her…
The graphic pictures and videos we’ve exchanged almost every night have only heightened my desire for her. It’s the thought of potentially seeing the real thing tonight, however remote that possibility, that’s preventing me from calling her to cancel.
Unsurprisingly, my cock is winning out in this internal struggle even as my head is screaming that things are about to go up in flames.
I look at Princess, my Yorkie, lying in her bed near the couch. She tilts her head and examines me before slumping back down. Apparently, my absence wasn’t felt too strongly. She got to spend the week with Gabe, who is probably her favorite person in the world, so I’m sure she didn’t give a rat’s ass where I was.
She did her usual jumping and bouncing last night when I got home, but this morning, she was back to her usual semi-interested mode, preferring to sleep and be completely aloof. I was never much of a dog person. My parents always refused to let us have one growing up because they said none of us were responsible enough to take care of it and they would end up doing it. Probably a valid point, but now that I have one, I can’t imagine living in this place without her.
Being alone as much as I am is probably not very healthy, and it only adds to the anxiety I feel about having Danika here, in my space.
I thought getting back to my normal routine today might help, but my trip to the gym and my usual Saturday morning basketball game did nothing to ease the tension or apprehension about Danika’s arrival tonight. All it did was physically exhaust me. After a quick trip to the grocery store, I came home and started all the prep for tonight’s dinner.
If it even gets that far.
Cooking usually relaxes me, probably because I spent so much time doing it with my mom growing up, but not today. Today, I found myself forgetting what ingredients I already put into things and had to taste them a hundred times to make sure they were right.
Even now, with everything ready in the kitchen, my body is quivering with tension.
Calm down!
Taking a deep breath, I look around my place, making sure nothing is out of order. Everything looks perfect, but because of my need to be exceedingly organized, it rarely does to me. The book on the far left of the shelf next to the fireplace is sticking out a half inch farther than the rest of them in that row and I quickly shove it back in line. If I truly took the time to look, I’m sure I’d find a thousand little things like that to correct, but I need to change and prepare for Danika’s arrival.
I need to make the best impression possible the moment she sees me, just in case she leaves in ten seconds flat like I’m anticipating.
Princess follows me down the hall to my bedroom and I close the door behind me. I told Danika to let herself in when she gets here and I don’t need her accidentally wandering down the hall and into my inner sanctum without me ready for it.
I’m just sliding on my shirt when I hear the doorbell. Princess scampers away from her bed and is stuck at the bedroom door, jumping and barking wildly.
“Shh, knock it off, Princess.”
She rang the bell despite my instructions.
Maybe she’s just as nervous as I am?
Doubtful. A woman like that doesn’t get nervous. I may keep her on her toes and embarrass her a bit, but nervous? Not Danika.
Now me, on the other hand, I’m practically shaking trying to button my shirt. The front door slams shut. I thank God for the extra minute to try to get my shit together before seeing her and watching everything I’ve accomplished with her in the last week vanish in a millisecond.
I check myself one final time in the closet mirror before heading to the bedroom door.
No matter what happens, just stay calm. You can’t control her reaction and trying to will only make things worse.
I scoop Princess up and turn her tiny face to meet mine. “You be nice to Danika.” She licks my face and I drop a kiss on her nose before returning her to the floor.
At least I’ll always have her.
The second I open the door, Princess takes off, sprinting down the hall at full speed to see our visitor, her nails clicking on the hardwood floors.
I follow her slowly, hoping to delay the inevitable despite my desire to see Danika. That scene from The Green Mile where John Coffey is walking down the hallway on his way to the electric chair flashes through my head.
This will probably be a death sentence for our budding relationship, but I just need to nut up and do it.
I hear her moving around in the living room, her heels making that damn clicking sound just like they did that day in my office. My throat is dry and I struggle to take a deep breath.
It’s out of my hands now.
Jesus, this is going to be harder than I thought.