“Oh, I don’t know,” Ted said. “We have a nice view and whatnot.”
“Everything’s on the table!” Eve announced. “Just help yourself.”
“So, Mr. Stanley,” Cookie said to Adam. “Long time, no see.”
“How are you, Mrs. Church? You haven’t changed one bit. Still as beautiful as ever.”
Now this was false flattery if I ever heard it.
“Have you met my lovely wife?” Adam continued.
“No, I don’t believe I have had the pleasure,” Cookie said and shook my hand as though it was something dubious. “And I see you all have twin boys! Well, isn’t that something? Now, is your daddy married to that woman with him? I know that’s not your mother. I remember your mother.”
“No, ma’am. He’s not.”
“Well, that’s fine. He looks like he could use a good roll in the hay.”
“Mother!” Eve said.
“She’s no fun,” Cookie said. She rolled her eyes at Eve, then threw back her head and laughed.
I shot Adam a look. We were both horrified and speechless. Cookie was a fashion plate but served up with a side dish of crazy.
“Remember I told you she was inappropriate?” Eve whispered to us. “I think she’s losing it.”
“It’s okay,” I said and thought, Well, by golly, this could turn out to be an interesting night after all. “Really.”
Carl was standing back assessing me and smiling like he was mentally undressing me. He held a bottle of white wine in one hand and a bottle of red in his other. I felt slightly uncomfortable, but not insulted.
“What are you looking at?” I said evenly with narrowed eyes and a suspicious stare.
“Nothing. White or red?” Carl said to Clarabeth and Ted.
He didn’t even have the decency to blush. At least Adam blushed, I thought. Was Carl serious?
“Oh, maybe just a spritzer for me,” Clarabeth said. “You know, I try not to imbibe lately. It’s not good for my blood sugar or a long list of other things. That’s what my internist tells me. He’s so darling. Do you know how many pills I take every morning? And then there are more at night!”
Carl looked at her like she was a little cracked, which she was not. She was, well, just long-winded.
“A glass of red would be nice,” Ted said. He put his arm around Clarabeth and gave her a squeeze to quiet her.
The usual niceties were exchanged and pretty soon everyone had a slice of pizza on a dinner plate with some tossed salad.
“You know, one of the best things about having children is that you can justify double cheese with pepperoni and mushrooms. This is so delicious,” Adam said, finally joining the conversation.
“Isn’t that the truth?” Eve asked, and laughed. “I love this stuff!”
It was unclear to me why Eve thought Adam’s remark was funny. Maybe she’s nervous, I thought. If Cookie were my mother I’d be a wreck.
But soon the wine began to work its magic and I wasn’t nearly as annoyed as I had been. In fact, the mood softened all around and Carl had my attention. We were both being duped by our spouses, I thought.
Carl refilled my goblet and then everyone else’s—except Clarabeth’s. She was already on her second spritzer.
“Gosh, Daphne has grown up so much since last summer,” I said. “She must be five inches taller!”
“And your boys too!” Eve said.
“True,” I said. “Sometimes I think I can hear them growing in their sleep.”
“Daphne already has little boys calling the house,” Eve said with pride.
I was horrified. I looked over to where the children sat at the breakfast bar to see little Daphne removing each round of pepperoni with her fingers, blotting away the grease, and then eating them one tiny nibble at a time.
“She’s only six and she’s already worrying about her clothes and is she getting too fat! Isn’t that ridiculous?”
“You know? I just have boys. It’s kind of a rough-and-tumble existence.”
I said this with a smile because I wasn’t a child psychologist.
God, people are screwed up, I thought.
Was Eve pushing her little girl toward serious self-image problems? Eve had obvious food issues. Was she passing that on to Daphne? Why would she? I thought it was completely asinine, even unhealthy, for a child of six years old to be thinking about her weight. I looked back over at Daphne. Max and Luke were entranced with her, arguing over who was the smartest twin, trying to impress her. And Carl was sucking in his abs and leering at me. Maybe alcohol brought out the Casanova in him.
Oh, hold me close, Lord, I thought, there go my babies. Right down the rabbit hole.
Then I had an idea.
“Hey, kids?” I called across the room. “Why don’t y’all go down to the playground?”
I turned to the others and said, “We have at least three more hours of daylight, right? Let them all go get good and tired!”
“Excellent!” Eve said. “But you kids come home as soon as the streetlights go on, okay?”
“Shouldn’t they have some adult supervision?” Clarabeth said.
“I think so,” Ted said. “Why don’t you and I watch them? Cookie? Would you like to join us?”
“I can’t think of anything I’d like better in all the world!” Cookie said, her voice dripping with pretension.
With that, Clarabeth and Ted stood, and, joined by Cookie and the children, they left the condo single file, promising to be back when the day began to fade.
“Hey, I brought the latest Madonna CD with me,” Eve said. “Y’all want to hear some music?”
Carl ignored her and turned to Adam. “So, tomorrow morning? You and me? Eighteen holes?”
“Sure,” Adam said.
“I’m always happy to hear Madonna,” I said to Eve, thinking to myself that I wished I had a dollar for every time Adam talked over me. “I love her.”
The music began to play, more wine was poured, and stories were told. I was feeling pretty mellow and better disposed toward Eve. Adam excused himself to use the bathroom and I was suddenly inspired to use a bathroom as well.
Eve noticed my frown and said, “Just go upstairs and use mine! You know where it is! We have the same floor plan.”
“Thanks.”
I watched as Eve refilled her glass and drank deeply, as though it was water. I wondered then if Eve had an alcohol problem.
“I’ll be right back!” I hurried upstairs and found relief. I flushed the toilet and opened the medicine cabinet to see what products Eve used on her skin. There was nothing there that I couldn’t buy at a Rite Aid. Just then the door opened and there stood Carl.
“Oh, sorry! Wait, can I help you find something?”
I was caught in a very awkward position.
“Dental floss. I was just . . . pepperoni stuck in between my teeth.”
“Ah, that’s the worst.”
He stepped past me. The bathroom was so small it was nearly impossible for him to get around me without us having some physical contact. I inhaled and held my breath. Carl reached into the drawer on the far side of the vanity and produced a pack of dental floss. He handed it to me.