“Then what happened? Why did she change her mind?” I was still sitting at the table. Things becoming clearer somehow. The story started to make sense. Not a lot, and not completely, but I didn’t feel quite as lost as I had been feeling the past few years about the whole Nina ordeal.
“You happened.” He turned around and smiled at me like I was Sirius, which couldn’t have been right, because Rosie was Sirius. But every person has their own Sirius in their life, I suppose. The one that shines brighter than the rest. “You were born, Dean. We found out about you through the news. “The Walmart Baby.” Your mother knew instantly that it was Nina. Wasn’t hard to figure it out. She called me, and we drove together to the hospital where they had taken you. Your mother wanted you so bad, she was willing to give me a second chance. Said you deserved it all, even though the woman who brought you into this world didn’t.”
“I don’t understand.” I shook my head. “You made me spend time with Nina and Owl. Almost every summer. All summer. Damn, Dad.” I stood up, pacing back and forth. “Owl was the one who gave me my first blunt at twelve. Nina gave me my first sip of beer when I was fucking nine.”
“Language,” my dad instructed, and I rolled my eyes, feeling like his son just a tad more than I did when I stormed out of that café. “We had a little arrangement with Nina. Mainly because providing you with a safe, stable life was our main concern. She wanted to see you in the summers, and we complied as long as she was sober. That was the condition. Nina got paid for the time you spent at her house. The money was supposed to go to trips, clothes, things like that. We weren’t stupid. We knew that she pocketed the money and saved it for herself. But we hoped the time with you might inspire her to get better. Like it made me stay sober and grow as a human being.”
“Only Nina is not a human being,” I finished for him. He shook his head, and I wasn’t sure if he agreed or disagreed with that statement.
“Everyone’s human. Some people are more human than others. Nina made many mistakes along the way, but I made one of them with her. And you make mistakes, too. Mistakes that will have grave penalties if you continue down this path.”
I had nothing to say about that. It wasn’t about Nina anymore.
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” I ran a hand over my hair. “Why did you let me pay her? Why did you meet me on her terms? It makes no fucking sense.”
“But it does, Dean. It makes perfect sense.” He took a step closer to me, and we were face-to-face now. Same height. Same hair. Same eye color. Fuck, how could I not have seen that earlier? My father and I looked exactly like one another. That was why people never asked if I was adopted. Because I wasn’t. Not fully, anyway.
“I didn’t know if you wanted to know your father or not, and I left it for you to decide. I knew that if you really wanted to see me, you would shell out the money. It’s not a big deal for you—the money—you have more than you could ever spend. So it wasn’t something that I was worried about. But if you didn’t want to know, if you weren’t ready to face this truth, and I served it to you anyway, I wouldn’t have given you anything. I would have taken something from you. Your choice.”
I looked down at my feet.
“I wanted you to choose to know me, Dean. But in the meantime, I tried, son. Every time we’ve met since you became an adult, I tried tipping you off. I even wanted to come clean on Thanksgiving night, but you never dropped by.”
My jaw locked, and I felt something I hadn’t had the pleasure of experiencing in a long time. Relief. Things made sense now. I was still angry as fuck at my dad, and I still loathed Nina with enough hatred to last for a few generations. Nothing got fixed. But at the same time, at least I had my answers. And in a sense…my peace.
Nina no longer had leverage over me. My biological dad turned out not to be a junkie or a criminal or an asshole. He was a man I knew and loved. It just so happened that he crushed me, and I needed to step away until I would forgive him.
And I would.
But not right now.
“So this brings me to the real topic I came here for.” Dad put his hand on my shoulder, and I looked at it like it was a giant cockroach.
“Spit it out and leave,” I told him.
“Rosie,” he said.
“What about her?” I asked, my heart beating faster just from hearing her name again. Being away from her was like having my flesh torn from my body. The kind of longing that wasn’t sweet and romantic, but threatened to tear my fucking guts out.
“It didn’t escape me that you and I had the same sister problem,” Eli said, walking me over to the window, his hand on my back. I let him, waiting to see where he was going to go with it. “My drinking almost killed my relationship, but, ironically, it also saved it. And it also gave me one of the most important things I have in life. My son. I’m afraid that you won’t be as lucky as I was. Rosie is sick. Very sick, from what I’m hearing. Time is not on your side, and you cannot afford to wallow in self-pity. That’s the one thing money can’t buy you, Dean. Time. So I suggest you go to the hospital right now and start your groveling, because there’s a long way to go.”
“They won’t let me see her,” I said, just as Eli pointed at the parking space. Vicious was standing there, leaning against his rental Audi with his arms crossed, looking directly at my window.
Right next to my parents’ Volvo.
Goddamn adorable asshole.
“Your friends want you to get the girl. Your father wants you to get the girl. Your mother will probably kill you if you don’t get the girl. So…are you going to get the girl?”
“I’m going to get the girl,” I muttered, transfixed on the vision of Vicious doing something nice for once in his goddamn life.
“Even if it means you need to stop drinking?”
“Even if it means I need to stop living,” I corrected, breathing hard. “Yes. I’m getting the girl.”
I grabbed my coat from the hanger and bolted through the door, leaving my dad to sit there, surrounded by oracle silence.
I am coming to get you, Rosie.
What makes you feel alive?
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
EVERYTHING HURT.
I couldn’t even distinguish what ached less and what burned more. My whole body was a knot of agony. There was an oxygen mask clasped over my face. I looked over to the nightstand beside my hospital bed and saw a little makeup mirror Mama must’ve left behind. Picking it up with the remainder of my energy, feeling its weight on my fingers, and checking my reflection through sleepy eyes…I looked yellow. Had my liver stopped working?
I wanted to cry, but I was too physically exhausted.
I wanted to scream, but it felt wrong to do something so vivid when I felt so lifeless.
And I wanted Dean, but he was not here.