A shuddering sigh left his chest and she saw the way his hand fisted at his side, as though he didn’t trust himself not to reach out and touch her. His jaw tightened and she watched him win the war. “No. I’m not good enough for you, luv. I’ve known it for a long time. Why do you think I haven’t tried to climb into your bed?”
“Because you don’t want me.” She didn’t think so, but she needed to hear it from him. If he told her he didn’t, she would be able to walk away. She would be humiliated, but she would have tried.
He was worth trying for. Somewhere along the way he’d decided he was a grunt soldier, pure cannon fodder, but she’d seen another side of the man.
The side she’d fallen in love with. The side that might make all the pain she’d been through worth it. The side that might bring her back to life.
“It ain’t that, and you know it.” He couldn’t seem to look at her. His eyes went to the floor. “I’m not the man for you. You need someone better. Someone more on your level.”
She wasn’t sure what level he was talking about. She ran a rough-and-tumble clinic in a place that mostly made the news for its outbreaks of hemorrhagic fever. If she had more than a hundred dollars in her bank account, she counted it as a win. “Shouldn’t I be the one to make that decision?”
“Not if you’re not smart enough to make the right decision,” he replied. “Someone’s got to look out for you. You won’t listen to your nurses and your head of security is a washed-up drunk. I’m going to hire someone else before I leave.”
She couldn’t argue with anything he’d said. “If you’re leaving then it doesn’t matter if we spend the night together.”
“It does because you’re not doing this for sex. You’re doing it because you think it might change my mind about staying here or about taking you with me when I leave, but I won’t. I won’t do that to you. Stephanie, you’re brilliant. You need to be back in the States, learning new techniques and charging a fortune for your expertise. You’re going to die out here.”
She might, but it would be okay. She’d always known that. Now that her mother was gone, she didn’t have any reason to go back to the States. It was better that she stay here where she was needed, where she could do the good work she’d promised to do.
Where she could eternally punish herself.
He took a step back and she thought he would leave. He would pick up his pack and she wouldn’t see him again.
One last desperate plea. That was all she had left. She happened to know that he spoke another language, a private one that eased him and softened his soul.
Stephanie dropped to her knees, hoping that weeks of practice had perfected her form. Knees wide, spine straight, head down, and palms up on her thighs. The offering of a submissive to her chosen Dom.
Or at least that was how the books of Serena Dean-Miles explained it. Avery had sent them to her along with a few books by Serena’s friends. She’d looked at the salacious covers and rolled her eyes. She’d wanted fiction, not porn.
But then Brody had joined her and one night she’d found herself picking up The Mercenary I Loved and falling into the story of Shane and Gabriella, and she’d found a whole new world.
Brody cursed under his breath, but his boots came back into view. She could feel him looming over her. “You don’t know what you’re offering.”
“I know exactly what I’m offering.” She didn’t lift her head. “I’ve never had a Dom. I won’t have another one. Not out here. I want the experience, Sir. Or do you have a submissive at home in London?”
His hand touched her head, fingers sinking into her hair. They slid along her scalp, lighting up the skin he touched. “You know I don’t.”
“Then I don’t see the problem, Sir.” She had to hope the word Sir worked the same kind of magic on Brody that it did on Serena’s heroes.
The hand on her head lifted. “The problem is that you’re going to want more from me than one night in the sack, Stephanie, and I can’t give you more than that. I’m not the kind of guy who settles down. I’m not the one for you.”
Yes, she’d heard a whole lot of that. What he really meant was she wasn’t the one for him. It wasn’t his fault he wasn’t attracted to her. She’d misread the situation and it was time to retreat.
She stood up, swearing she wasn’t going to cry. Nope. She’d been through way worse shit and one guy rejecting her advances wasn’t going to break her. Her inner tough chick made an appearance and she found herself straightening her shoulders and lifting her chin. She rose to her feet. When she thought about it, she was horny. That was all this was about. He was gorgeous and close to her and the adrenaline of the day had affected her.
Yeah, inner tough chick was good at deflection.
“Sorry about that. I didn’t understand. I get it now.” She held out a hand. “It was nice to meet you, Brody Carter. Have a good life.”
He looked down at her hand and sighed. “Steph, let’s sit down and talk. I don’t think you do understand what I’m saying to you. I’m not trying to hurt you, luv.”
He didn’t even want to shake her hand? She eased around him. Inner tough chick had started biting at the bit Steph kept in her mouth. Irrational anger poured through her, but she had to keep a lid on it. It wasn’t Brody’s fault that she’d gotten her hopes up. “Not necessary, man. It’s all cool. I’ll see you sometime.”
She started for the door.
“Please, Steph, I don’t want to say good-bye like this. I don’t want you angry with me.”
But she was. It wasn’t fair, but he was one more disappointment in a lifetime of them. She might deserve it, but it hurt. This one particular snub cut deep. She’d known deep down that she would be alone, but she’d thought there might be moments of respite. These weeks with Brody had refined her need.
Never let them see you hurt. It was far better to look like she didn’t care than to sit down like an obedient little girl and let him explain all the ways she wasn’t good enough for him. She was certain he would tell her it was the other way around, but what she would hear was that she wasn’t sexy enough, her boobs weren’t big enough, she was on the thin side and he was a man who needed curves on his lovers.
“I’m not angry,” she said as flippantly as she could. “I’m trying to catch the CIA dude before he turns in. He’s bunking down in the clinic. I thought he might want an upgrade.”
She wasn’t going to look for Ezra Fain. The last thing she needed was a casual hookup. God knew she’d had more than enough of those in her life. Except those hadn’t been casual. Those nights hadn’t even been about sex. They’d been about obliterating herself.
No, she would go to her cabin and cry and sleep, and in the morning, she would work and begin to forget him.
She started out the door but then felt a hand at her wrist, dragging her back.