Sure, the aching pulse of desire was making me shift, that desire for more was arousing what a person typically associated with feelings of lust . . . but this went beyond that. I didn’t feel my want for him only at the apex of my legs; I felt my desire in every part of my body. From my small toe, to the underside of my forearm, to the column of my neck. My need or want or whatever this was for the man holding me was so all-consuming, it felt as though it could devour me whole.
Unwinding my arms, I wound them loosely behind his neck. I had to. If I didn’t, he’d keep harassing me about why I was so scared to touch him, and if I didn’t say anything, he was bound to jump to some of his own conclusions. I didn’t want him even inching toward those types of conclusions.
“Was that so bad?” he asked.
One side of my face drew up. “Worse.”
He just grumbled and pressed me closer, his body moving against mine in ways that were testing the integrity of my knee strength.
As we danced, I did my best to imagine I was somewhere else, some place serene. Anywhere but here with him, our bodies tangled together, because I couldn’t let him see what having him close did to me. I couldn’t let him know the feelings I’d been wrestling with for weeks now. I couldn’t cross that line, because once it was stepped over, there was no going back. Sure, we could break up, but we were roommates. We’d still have to see each other every morning and every night for the next four months until the lease was up. No, thank you. Breakups were hard enough without the added component of sharing the same roof.
And then there was the fact that I didn’t believe in relationships. Sure, I’d seen a few people have seemingly good ones, but I knew firsthand how badly a heart could be broken. I always swore I wouldn’t be like my mom, crying for months after my dad left. I wasn’t looking to open myself up to that kind of pain.
When I caught Soren staring at my mouth, the skin between his brows drawn into a deep line, I panicked. “It’s hot. I need some fresh air.”
My arms were untying from him at the same time I broke out of his hold, cutting through bodies toward the back door. I heard him shoving through the party after me, snapping something at the guy who’d just whistled at me when I moved by.
I didn’t stop to wait for him. I couldn’t. I felt like I was suffocating, and even though I knew it wasn’t from lack of oxygen, fresh air seemed like a good place to start. Besides, what antidote was there for someone suffocating from their closeted feelings for someone?
Once I shoved through the door, I rushed to the back of the yard, leaned into the rusted cyclone fence, and focused on breathing. So much had happened in the past couple of months. Getting signed. Moving to New York. Booking jobs. Good jobs. Being on my own. Sharing an apartment. Realizing I had feelings for my roommate. Trying to kill those feelings. Only to have them grow with each new day, instead of withering away like I’d hoped.
Now this—feeling all of my control over my mind and body become lost when he drew me close. This was perhaps the scariest realization of all. At a distance, I could keep my guard up with Soren, but up close, I lost total and utter control. Walls crumbled. Barriers fell. Resolve evaporated.
I had only one solution to keep Soren from realizing my feelings—keeping him at a careful distance. At least as much as our living situation allowed. An actual arm’s length should work, especially with as long as my arms were. I couldn’t let him close again. I couldn’t let him get his arms around me or put mine around him.
Soren had to be avoided. As much as possible without making it obvious.
“Nice emergency exit back there.”
The sound of the door closing behind him made me flinch. How was I supposed to avoid him if he made it his mission to find me every time I escaped?
“You okay?” His feet crunched over the dead grass dotting the yard, pausing when he was a few steps behind me.
“Yeah, I’m good. There are just a lot of bodies in there. Generating a lot of heat.” Or, truthfully, one body generating way too much damn heat for me to handle.
“Yeah, it’s way better out here than in there.” Soren shouldered up beside me, leaning into the fence. “It’s quiet out here. We can just be alone.”
My breath hitched. “I feel better now. So much better. We should probably get back to the party.”
“I only came to this party because you said you’d come. The way I see it, the party’s right here.” He bumped his elbow against mine, inching closer.
Shifting, I leaned away from him. Not too obvious, but just enough so our elbows weren’t touching anymore. “Don’t you want to introduce me to your friends?” He’d mentioned me meeting his teammates a couple of weeks ago but had yet to do so. I figured tonight would be the perfect opportunity.
“No.” His head shook firmly. “Especially not with what you’re wearing.” When his gaze wandered in the direction of my dress again, he frowned.
“What am I wearing?” Straightening, I glanced down at what I had on again. Short, yeah, but it wasn’t skintight. Cut low in the back, but not in the front. It fell into the stylish category, not the sexy one.
Angling toward me, he gestured at the dress I was still inspecting. “Man-Nip. That’s what you’re wearing.”
“Man-Nip?” I pinched the material, my eyebrows coming together.
“You know like catnip, except for bros? It’ll drive them wild.” Reaching for his shirt, he started to pull it over his head. “Just put on my jersey or something. This one’s clean.” Once he’d peeled it over his head, he pulled his undershirt back down over his stomach and held out his jersey for me.
“I’m not putting on your jersey.”
“Please.”
“No, thank you.”
“Pretty please?”
“No, pretty thank you,” I replied with a fake smile.
“Well, I’m not introducing you to my friends dressed in that. That’s a way to lose friends, and I’d rather keep the ones I have since we play on the same ball team and the season’s just getting started.”
“Just because you’re having a tough time with my dress doesn’t mean your friends will. They can’t all be like you.”
Soren chuckled. “I’m the upstanding, good guy of the bunch. You know, if that gives you an idea of the type of animals I call friends.”
“Wow. You really know how to pick them.” I sighed, snatching the jersey from his hand. I really did want to meet his friends, and if I had to slide into Soren’s jersey to achieve said goal, there were worse things in life.
“They make me look good. It’s essential to hang with people who make you look good.” The fence whined when he shoved away from it.
“Yeah. I follow that same policy,” I said, keeping a straight face as I shoved my head and arms through the big jersey.
“You’re referring to me, aren’t you?”
“So quick,” I joked then glanced down at my new Soren-approved, friend-introduction outfit.
When Soren’s eyes followed mine, a sound vibrated in his throat. “I’m not sure that’s any better actually.” He stepped back, rubbing his chin as his inspection continued. He was almost smirking, definitely smiling as he took in the sight of me sporting his jersey.