“I will. What else?”
“Promise me that we won’t keep anything important from each other and that we’ll always be honest with each other.”
That one made me feel a little queasy as I started pondering what things he anticipated having to be honest with me about.
“Okay. I promise.” I swallowed. “Anything else?”
“No. I just want to sleep next to you and Bea tonight. Is that okay?”
“Of course.” I took his hand. “It’s going to be okay, Justin. We’ll be okay.”
He smiled and whispered, “Yeah.”
Justin placed Bea between the two of us. As she lay in the middle, Justin and I looked into each other’s eyes until sleep finally claimed us.
***
When I woke up the next morning, panic hit me for a brief moment because Justin was gone from the bed. Looking at the clock, I calmed down, realizing it was only 9AM. He wasn’t scheduled to leave until around noon.
The smell of his signature coffee brewing wafted up the stairwell and immediately made me sad. It would be the last time I would smell his coffee fusion for a long time.
Feeling my eyes getting watery, I took my sweet time before going downstairs, hoping to regain my composure before then. I did some mindless things: cleaned the bedroom, threw a load of laundry in, anything than to have him see me break down. Bea was watching me from her Exersaucer as I ran around my room like a maniac.
Justin walked in as I was vacuuming my rug. I wouldn’t look up at him as I moved the vacuum back and forth.
“Amelia.”
I pushed it along the carpet faster.
“Amelia!” he yelled.
I finally looked at him. He must have seen the sadness in my eyes because his expression slowly darkened. I just stared at him as the vacuum continued to run, even though I’d stopped moving it. A teardrop fell down my cheek, and I knew I had officially lost my ability to hide my feelings.
He slowly approached and shut off the vacuum, his hand lingering over mine which was still gripping the handle.
“I’ve been waiting to have coffee with you,” he said. “I need to have breakfast with you and Bea one last time before I leave. It’s my favorite thing in the world.”
I wiped my eyes. “Okay.”
“It’s fucking okay to be sad. Stop trying to hide it from me. I won’t hide it, either.” His voice cracked a little. “I’m so fucking sad right now, Amelia. The last thing I want to do right now is leave you guys. But time is running out. Don’t waste it hiding from me.”
He was right.
Sniffling, I nodded. “Let’s go have coffee.”
Justin lifted Bea into his arms as he closed his eyes tightly and breathed in her scent as if he wanted to burn it into memory. When he pulled back, he lifted her up into the air as she looked down at him. “Are you my Bumblebee?”
She smiled at him, and if that didn’t feel like a knife to the heart, I didn’t know what did. My emotions were all over the place again. A part of me was still selfishly angry at him.
How could you leave us?
Why haven’t you told me you love me?
Why haven’t you told Bea you love her?
You don’t love us.
A bigger part was angry at myself for even having those kinds of thoughts again. I was coming to realize that it wasn’t so much the fact that he was leaving that bothered me as it was the fact that he was leaving me so unsure about where things really stood with us.
He treated me as if he loved me, but even when we were acting like a family, he’d never defined our relationship, never even labeled me his girlfriend.
As Justin prepared the mugs of coffee like he always did, I followed every move he made and couldn’t help but wonder what the next time I’d watch him make coffee would be like.
When he handed me my cup, I put on the best smile I could. I didn’t want him to leave thinking of my sad face. Just as I was trying like hell to put on a happy facade, his own expression turned sullen.
“What is it, Justin?”
“I just feel helpless. If you need anything, I told Tom you might call him from time to time. I left his number on the fridge. He said anytime day or night, don’t hesitate. Call him instead of that tool next door, please. I also installed a new alarm system.” He waved a hand, leading me to the door. “Come on, I’ll show you how to use it.”
Everything he was saying was muffled as my eyes followed his fingers, hands, and lips as he explained how to maneuver the alarm control pad. His voice was fading into the background, losing the battle with my accumulating panic.
Justin took notice and stopped talking. “You know what? I’ll email you the instructions.” He stared at me for a bit before pulling me into an embrace. He held me for what seemed like several minutes, slowly rubbing my back. There wasn’t anything we could do to slow down time.