The ride back to Newport was quiet. The sexual tension in the air was thick. My nipples had turned to steel, and my panties were soaked knowing that he was probably still hard. It occurred to me that certain situations could be even more arousing than sex itself, those situations where you wanted something so badly but couldn’t have it. My body was experiencing an impossible state of arousal.
We pulled up to the house. When he shut off the ignition, he leaned his head back against the seat and turned to me, looking as if he wanted to say something but couldn’t find the words.
Breaking the ice, I said, “Thank you for attempting to make my night better.”
“Attempt is the operative word. It was an epic fail.”
“No, it wasn’t.”
“It wasn’t? I accidentally took you to see a porno and got a boner in the process. What the fuck…am I fifteen?”
“I was turned on, too. It’s just not as obvious.”
“I know. I could tell. That was what…” He hesitated and shook his head. “Never mind.”
“Well, anyway. It was still better than the date with Dr. Danger.”
“I can’t believe that asshole. I should go to the hospital and beat the fuck out of him tomorrow.”
“He’s not worth it.” I glanced out the window. “Anyway, we should go inside.”
“Yeah.”
Back inside the house, we lingered in the kitchen. I wasn’t ready to go to sleep, even though it was well past one in the morning. Neither of us budged.
“Jesus, it’s so late, but I’m not tired at all,” I said.
“If I make some coffee fusion, will you have some?”
“Yeah. I’d love some.” I smiled.
I watched his every move as he prepared the coffee.
I love you.
God, the thought had just come out of the blue from my subconscious mind. From time to time, those three words would just play in my head when I was with him. I did love him, just as much as I always had. But I needed to control these feelings, otherwise I would be setting myself up for major disappointment.
His back was to me when he said, “Jade is coming back in a few days.”
My heart sank. “Really? Are you going back to New York with her?”
“No. After she leaves, I’ll stay an extra few days to fulfill my promise to Salvatore.”
“Oh.”
He placed a steaming hot mug in front of me. “Here you go.”
“Thank you.”
Over the past forty-eight hours, it seemed that something between us had shifted. Maybe his change in attitude was a result of the impending end of summer.
Sipping the coffee, I said, “I don’t think either one of us will be going to sleep anytime soon after this.”
“Might as well just stay up.”
Over the next two hours, Justin and I just talked, opening up about the things that we’d missed in each other’s lives. I found out that before he moved to New York, he’d actually completed a semester at Berklee College of Music in Boston but couldn’t afford to continue. His parents had refused to fund his education if he chose to major in music. Instead, he moved to New York and took odd jobs and gigs until he eventually went back to school, majoring in business with a minor in music. He told me he met his ex-girlfriend Olivia a few years after he moved there. They lived together for a couple of years and stayed friends even after he broke up with her. She’d been his only serious girlfriend before Jade. He said Jade believes that the ex wants to get back with him, even though Olivia’s with someone else now. In between those two relationships, he’d slept around with his fair share of women. I appreciated his being candid with me, but it still hurt to hear that.
I told him stories about my time at UNH and how I chose to major in education because it felt like a solid choice, not because it was something I was passionate about. I admitted that even though I enjoyed teaching, it felt like there was something missing, something else I was supposed to be doing with my life that I hadn’t figured out yet.
Amped up on the coffee, we had literally talked through the night. I was still wearing the black dress from my date. At one point, I went upstairs to use the bathroom. When I came back down to the kitchen, he was sitting on a stool by the window, tooling around with his guitar.
The sun was starting to rise over the ocean. His back was facing me as he started playing Here Comes the Sun by the Beatles. I leaned against the doorway, listening to his soothing voice. The more I paid attention to the lyrics, the more they seemed metaphorical. The past decade had been like a long season of darkness and regret when it came to Justin and me. This reconnection was really like the sun coming up again for the first time in a long time. Of course, he’d probably just chosen to sing it because the sun was literally rising. Still, I couldn’t help where my mind travelled, especially on no sleep.
Stop falling in love with him again, Amelia.
How exactly was I supposed to change how I felt? I couldn’t. I just needed to learn to accept that Justin was with Jade. He was happy. I needed to somehow figure out how to be his friend again without getting hurt in the process.
When the song finished, he turned around and saw that I’d been watching him.
I walked over to where he was sitting and gazed out. “The sunrise is beautiful today, isn’t it?”
“Really beautiful,” he agreed, except he wasn’t looking at the sun at all.
CHAPTER 8