“It wasn’t meant to be tongue in cheek,” I say flatly, and his eyebrows rise sky high. “I meant every word.”
“I don’t understand,” he says as he cocks his head at me. “You essentially talked about how metrosexuals are the perfect men to date. We’re bright, successful, fashionable, and take damn good care of ourselves. Every woman loves a man with well-trimmed pubes down below. That’s exactly what you said, and you reminded womankind why the greatest dating in the world is right here in New York City. In the end your conclusion was that metrosexuals have kept the female orgasm alive and flourishing.”
I shake my head. “No, I was being sarcastic.”
“No, you weren’t,” he says firmly. “It was cheeky but it was genuine, and all of your fans thought so. You had a ton of praise over that article. I mean, you’re the queen of dating the metrosexual, after all.”
“I was being sarcastic,” I insist, but then lower my gaze almost in shame. Picking at the edge of the hem of my skirt, I add softly, “At least my inside voice was being sarcastic. I’m sick and tired of them.”
“So your article defended the typical man you tend to date—a typical New Yorker—but you really want something different?” he surmises accurately.
With a sigh I admit, “I just feel like there’s something more I’m missing.”
“And this doesn’t have to do with love?” he asks for clarification.
I wrinkle my nose. “You know I don’t do love. But Jeremy…I think the metrosexual did kill my orgasm.”
“Explain.” His brows are furrowed and he watches me with genuine interest, because Jeremy knows me well. I’m a man-eater. I love men. I love to date, and I love to be treated well, and I love good sex. I love everything about being a single woman in New York City, and nothing evidences that more than the fact that I write an extremely popular blog on dating and sex, focusing mostly on how a man can please a woman based on my experiences. It’s so popular, in fact, I’m a bit of a local celebrity here, and I love it. I clearly don’t do it for the money, because I have gobs of that, but I do it because I love writing and I love what I write about.
I take a deep breath and let it out. “I’m tired of going out with men whose nails are better manicured than mine and who spend more on hair-care products than they do on dinner with me. I’m tired of discussing fashion trends and the best exfoliation products. It pisses me off when my dates admire themselves in a mirror anytime we pass one or they have to check their stock portfolio at least once an hour on their smartphone. I’d like their tans not to be so orange and their teeth not to be so blindingly white. It’s the same, date after date, and I’m just…tired of it.”
“You do realize you just described me to a T,” Jeremy says dryly. “Well, except the orange fake tan.”
“Yes, well, you’re my cousin and I don’t care if you’re a metrosexual or not. I’m not dating you.”
“Then what do you really want?” Jeremy prods.
I give a long, painful sigh. “I don’t know. Just something different. A real man, you know?”
“Again…I may enjoy all those things you pointed out above, but I do believe I’m a real man. I drink beer, belch, and even fart sometimes. I watch football and leave my underwear lying on the floor, which drives Aubrey batshit crazy. But I give her amazing orgasms, so I can say this metrosexual has it going on between the sheets.”
“Ugh,” I say in frustration as I lean my head back against the couch and stare at the chandelier again. “I’m not making myself clear.”
“I’m not getting it, Valentine,” Jeremy tells me bluntly. “Now quit beating around the bush. What the hell do you think is missing from your dating life?”
A million lies run through my head, but this is Jeremy, and he’ll call me on every one of them. And if I screw around, someone might buy that Proenza Schouler I want.
My head turns to the left and I look at Jeremy. “I want to feel really wanted. I want to drive a man crazy. I want him to look at me like I’m an oasis in the desert. I want a man who would battle an army just for the chance to be with me, and once he was with me, he’d battle a million armies just to keep me. Men here aren’t like that. It’s too easy for them. Pickings are abundant and no one has to fight for real companionship because we’re all so self-absorbed we’ve learned to do without it. I want a man who can and would take on the world for the right woman. And most important, I want that feeling that would come from having a man like that. Oh, and I’m betting a man like that would be amazing in the sack.”
“Be careful, Valley,” Jeremy chides. “You find a man like that, you’ll probably fall in love.”