I pick up the empty coffee mug from the low table that is surrounded by four deep-cushioned purple chairs, and with the opposite hand, wipe down the wooden surface. Tossing my towel over one shoulder, I trudge back behind the counter, through the swinging door back to the small kitchen and deposit my load onto the counter beside the sink. I’ll wash the dirty ones later, as we still have a large enough stock of clean cups to get us through the evening throng of coffee drinkers.
Luckily, the new employee Georgia hired will start tomorrow. She’ll serve as a part-time barista, dishwasher, and server, as well as whatever bottom-of-the-totem-pole duties come with being the new kid on the block. Until then, I haven’t minded the extra shifts, because they’ve kept my mind semioccupied. I’ve been so tired at night I don’t even have it in me to dwell on the myriad of dark feelings that seem to be dwelling deep within me, easily succumbing to deep sleep as a means of avoidance.
I’m feeling completely unsettled and without confidence in myself. Also slightly betrayed and a bit disappointed in myself.
And if I’m honest…I’m a little bit angry at Gray.
I know her advice to me last week to stay away from Roman came from a place of genuine concern. I truly believe part of it was concern for me, and she admitted as much that she also had some concern for the Brannon name. I get that. I really do. But what’s disappointing to me is that while Gray was quick to point out that her sisterly concern was indeed real, she never once considered my happiness within her advice. She never once paused to consider the ramifications on me personally.
It may have been too much to hope for, but if she likes me as she says she does, and if she has mostly accepted I am in fact her sister, then why didn’t she consider that I might really like Roman and that we could have something potentially special? I mean, all indications were that we definitely had something unique, and we were both willing to see where it was going with an equal measure of excitement.
I think deep down, I might even suspect that Gray knows that I want to be a part of this family so badly that she may have even used that to her advantage, knowing that I’d put our relationship and whatever I could do to develop it as my number-one priority.
And now I’m doubting having done just that.
I think I underestimated just how much I’d come to like Roman. I didn’t understand it until that moment he walked away from me in the hallway and a heavy blanket of sad disappointment settled over me. I didn’t appreciate the level of intimate interest I’d had in him until that night when I got home, I sat on my couch and an overwhelming sense of yearning thrummed through me as I remembered us lying on the couch together to watch a movie. And when I say intimate, I’m not talking about sex. Yeah, I know sex with him would be stellar and mind-blowing, and I’m sure we were headed there sooner rather than later, but I’m talking about just the personal affinity I feel for him and the level of pure comfort I feel with him.
It’s not something I’ve experienced before, especially not so soon in a relationship. It’s almost intangible and undefinable, but it’s absolutely real.
And now it’s gone.
Ugh. I’ve got to shake this shit off. I can’t continue to wallow, pining over something that is no more. I also have to figure a way to get past this brewing anger I’ve got toward Gray, because that most certainly isn’t going to help me develop a bond with her. And finally, I need to open myself back up to the notion of being a family with her and Brian, to just accept my losses and move on, trying to be happy with my gains.
Fat fucking chance, my subconscious says to me sarcastically. It knows as well as I do that I’ve not been one to have my life dictated by others. I’ve been making my own decisions and guiding my own failures and successes since I was eighteen, and every single experience has made me stronger and wiser. The fact I’m letting someone else dictate part of my happiness is frankly just chapping my ass, and I know I’m going to have to get this off my chest with Gray at some point.
But that is for another day, as I have to finish cleaning up from the lunch crowd and then grab some food for myself before I start working the back end of my double shift for the upcoming evening.
Squaring my shoulders, I turn and head back through the swinging door, then come to a dead stop when I see Brian standing on the other side of the counter with Georgia. They’re both looking at each other, and Brian laughs at something Georgia has said to him.
I’m so surprised to see him standing there—with her—and that they’re laughing together that I grunt slightly when the door swings back through and bumps me solidly in the butt.
Brian and Georgia’s heads turn my way, and my dad’s laughter dies but a smile remains that’s filled with happiness to see me.