I laughed. Jode was rubbing off on us. “There’s really no bloody right way to take that,” I said. I sat down on one of the stones and rubbed my head. My hair was getting too long. It bugged me. “Thanks for the offer, but I’ll manage.”
“Okay.” He sat on one of the rocks and stretched out his legs. Smoke was just beginning to rise from the hut’s stone chimney and the windows flickered with the glow of firelight. Daryn. She’d gotten it handled.
“That’s kind of a relief, actually,” Bas said. “It doesn’t feel right using my ability on you guys.”
“Yeah, they’re pretty worthless.” Our abilities didn’t work on the Kindred. I didn’t understand it. “Why have a weapon that doesn’t work on the enemy?”
Bas smiled. “Figures you’d see it that way. But what if they’re not weapons? What if we have them to learn?”
“To learn? I already knew how to be angry.”
“That’s not what I mean.”
“Then explain.”
“I feel like there’s a nicer way for you to ask, but okay. I’ll give you my take on it. The things we can do, like your anger thing, Marcus with fear, me with weakness, and Jode with will … I think they’re for us to master. Like, the weakness thing isn’t something I have to wield so much as work out.”
“You think your ability is weakness to help you face your own weakness?” This was starting to sound familiar. It reminded me of the conversation I’d had with Daryn in Rome.
He lifted his shoulders. “Maybe. What do you think your anger’s for?”
“Pissing Daryn off?”
He grinned. “You are pretty good at that. But let me ask you this. What makes you angrier than anything? Angry at yourself—not at other people.”
“Easy. Failure.”
“Me, too. But failure how? Failure in what way specifically? That’s what I’ve been thinking about. I already had this … this kind of hollow spot inside me. Being from such a big family, I always got lost. We didn’t have enough money, you know, and I got passed between relatives. Live here for a while, live there. I went wherever anyone could feed me. I wasn’t treated badly or anything like that. But I never felt like I was anything special. Have I told you what my parents call me? My actual parents? Cinco, because I’m the fifth kid. It means five in Spanish. It started as a joke, I think. But I guess part of me believes it. That I’m just a number. A mouth to feed. Kind of just … invisible.”
He paused and the wind came up, rustling around us and filling the silence. “How’d I end up talking about me?”
“It’s okay. You were explaining your lifelong quest for attention, so it makes sense. All is forgiven.”
Bas laughed. “Exactly, dude,” he said. Then he slapped his hands on his legs and stood. “I need some chocolate.”
He headed back to the hut but I stayed out there for a while longer, filling my lungs with cool Norwegian air. Thinking about what he’d said.
I knew what my biggest failure was.
CHAPTER 47
The next morning I woke before the sun and did some recon around our hut. Our position was good, near fresh water, with great visibility, but I had to get lower in elevation to find a decent place where we could train. It took over half an hour of solid hiking to get down to the water, but I liked the grassy meadow that sloped gradually to the riverbank.
I took everyone there once they were awake, planning my approach as I wolfed down a granola bar on the trail. I was determined to start taking positive steps. It felt like the only way I could fight back against the images and the anger. Time to get stuff handled.
Reaching our new practice ground, I stepped out to the middle of the field as the others formed a circle around me. Steep granite slopes rose thousands of feet on either side of the river, framing us in and providing good concealment. High above, on a rocky projection that looked like an anvil, I could see part of the hut with the collapsed roof. Ours was behind it, just out of sight. Even if the Kindred had somehow tracked us to Norway, which I didn’t think they had, Alevar would have to do a direct flyover to see us in that fjord. I hoped we’d bought ourselves a little time.
“So, here’s how things stand,” I said. “Daryn’s waiting for drop-off instructions for the key, but we need to be ready if the Kindred track us down. That means we need to master our capabilities and our tools.” I went on, explaining how that would require that we each give our maximum effort. We had to make the most of what we had and work hard. The philosophy I’d learned in RASP was not to practice until you got things right. It was to practice until you couldn’t get them wrong.
As I spoke, my breath fogged in the cool morning. Bas nodded like, yes, yes, totally with you. Jode appeared to be filing everything I said away for future reference. Marcus crossed his arms and stared at the grass at his feet. Daryn listened, watching me with her steady eyes. Everyone was still here, still engaged-ish, and I wasn’t yelling or being overly sarcastic. Good start so far.