I was at my Friday-afternoon mah-jongg game at Istana with the First Lady, Felicity Leong, and Daisy Foo when Felicity got the call. She didn’t say anything to us at first—she just started rummaging through her Launer handbag, saying she needed to find her blood-pressure pills. Only after she had swallowed her pills did she say, “Ladies, I’m terribly sorry to leave like this in the middle of a game, but I must go. My mother has just passed.” My goodness, the First Lady became so overcome I thought she was going to faint right there at the table! After Felicity left, the First Lady said she should go upstairs to the office to tell the president the news, and Daisy said, “Alamak, I should call Eleanor! She didn’t call me, so I bet you she doesn’t know yet!” When the ladies all returned, we decided to toast Su Yi. After all, she was a mah-jongg maven par excellence. We all knew never to bet serious money when Su Yi was at the table. Now that she has left us, my money market account won’t feel the loss, but I know her family will. Su Yi was the glue that held them all together. Those children of hers are a disgrace. Philip is a simpleton, Alix is a useless Hong Kong tai tai, Victoria is a spinster, and the one that married the Thai prince, I never really knew her, but I always heard she was very stuck up, like most Thais I’ve met. They think just because they’ve never been invaded they are the best. Only Felicity has any sense, because she was the eldest. But all those grandchildren are also good-for-nothings. This is what happens when too much money falls on people who are too attractive. That Astrid, so pretty, but her only talent is spending more than the GDP of Cambodia on her clothes. Look at my grandsons. Four of them are doctors, three are lawyers—one is the youngest judge ever to be appointed to the Court of Appeal, and one is an award-winning architect. (Let’s not mention the grandson living in Toronto who is a hairdresser.) So sad for Su Yi, she can’t brag about any of her descendants. Just you watch, everything is going to go down the toilet now.
NICHOLAS YOUNG
Grandson
I had only just arrived at Tyersall Park and was unpacking my suitcases when I heard the commotion outside my bedroom. Maids were running down the corridors everywhere like a fire alarm had gone off. “What’s going on?” I asked. “Your Ah Ma!” one of them shouted frantically as she passed me. I immediately ran up the back stairs to Ah Ma’s bedroom. When I got there, I couldn’t see anything. There were too many people blocking the way, and someone was wailing uncontrollably. Victoria, Alix, Adam, and Piya were hovering around the bed while Uncle Taksin was embracing Auntie Cat, who was still sitting in the armchair beside Ah Ma. Ah Ling was closest to me by the door, and she turned toward me, her face swollen with tears. As Adam and Piya moved aside to make room for me, I could see that Eddie was lying in bed with Ah Ma, holding her body, shaking violently as he whimpered like a tortured animal. He caught my eye and suddenly, he leapt out of bed and started screaming, “You killed her! You killed her!” Before I knew what was happening, he’s on top of me and we’re both on the ground.
HER SERENE HIGHNESS MOM RAJAWONGSE PIYARASMI AAKARA
Granddaughter-in-law
What an odd family I’ve married into. Adam’s aunties are like characters straight out of a Merchant Ivory film. They go rattling around this huge palace, dressed like underpaid civil servants, but then they start speaking and they all sound like Maggie Smith. Auntie Felicity clucks about like a mother hen, criticizing everyone, while Auntie Victoria seems to be an expert on everything even though she hasn’t worked a day in her life. She even tried to challenge me on the origin of the hantavirus! Then there are the Hong Kong cousins—Alistair Cheng, who is very sweet but…how do I put it politely…not the sharpest tool in the box, and his sister, Cecilia, and Fiona Tung-Cheng, both perfectly polite but soooooooo stuck up. Why do all Hong Kong girls think the sun shines out of their asses? They just chatter away to each other in Cantonese and go off on foodie adventures every day with their kids. I suspect they only came to Singapore to eat. Every time they are around I feel like they are assessing me from head to toe. I don’t think Cecilia approves of Balmain. And then there’s Eddie. What a crazy fuck. Grandma has just died, and all her daughters stand there staring at her body without a single tear in their eyes. The only people who seem to be crying are the maids, the Sikh guard, and Eddie. OMFG I have never seen a grown man sob like that. Crawling into bed and cradling his dead grandmother. Dressed in a velvet smoking jacket! And then Nick—the only halfway normal person in the whole house—enters the room and Eddie lunges at him. The aunties start to scream but really, it’s a pretty pathetic fight, because Eddie hits like a girl and Nick simply rolls him off and pins him to the ground. “Calm the fuck down!” Nick says, but Eddie’s screaming, kicking, thrusting, and finally Nick has no choice but to sock him right in the nose, and blood just goes EVERYWHERE. Especially all over my brand-new Rick Owens toad-skin boots. And now I’m told we have to spend at least another week with these people. Kill me now.
CAPTAIN VIKRAM GHALE
Head of Security, Tyersall Park
Ah Ling called me in a panic. “Aiyah, come quick! They are fighting! Eddie is trying to kill Nicky!” I rushed upstairs with two Gurkhas but by the time I got to the room, it was all over. Eddie was sitting at the foot of the bed, blood all over his face. He kept saying, “You broke my nose! You are going to fucking pay for my nose job!” Nicky just stood there, looking stunned. Alix smiled at me as if nothing had happened and said, in the calmest voice ever, “Ah, Vikram, you’re here. I’m not sure what the procedure is. Who do we call? Do we call the police now?” I was confused at first and said, “You want to report this fight?” She said, “Oh no, not that. My mother has passed away. What are we supposed to do now?” In all the confusion, I hadn’t even noticed that Mrs. Young was dead. I couldn’t help myself—I burst into tears right there in front of everyone.
FELICITY LEONG
Eldest Daughter