Damon steps in and rakes a hand down his face, eyes cast down.
“Why the hell would you do that? We don’t shank each other and watch the other bleed out. You just forced me into the worst imaginable situation. If I don’t tell her, she’ll hate me.”
“Don’t tell her,” he implores. “I’m fucking begging you, Nat.”
“You asked for it,” I snap.
“I know.”
“Then look at me,” I command, “and be honest with me.”
He dips his chin, his eyes flitting with emotion as he lifts them. Damon doesn’t hide from me, ever. He’s one of the rare men who won’t, but I sense him trying now.
“She knows exactly who you are and everything about you. There’s always been something there between you, and it’s been there for years. She’s ready for something real, and if you aren’t, you don’t go anywhere near that. I’ve watched you two dance around your true feelings since you were teenagers, and I almost reconsidered inviting you on this trip because I’m starting to fear for her.”
“The fuck, Nat?”
“I love you, Damon, but you’re reckless,” I swallow as the hypocrite in me speaks up to save her friends from a similar fate. “And if you think you can quench your curiosity for her and come out unscathed, you’re so fucking wrong.”
“I know that. Why do you think I haven’t gone there?”
“Well, you better make up your mind and do it fast. But, Damon,” I warn, “if she means as much to you as I think she does, you have no idea how much it will hurt if you lose her.” My voice goes chalky, my warning full of venom. “You won’t recover, so you better damned well make sure she’s not the woman you see in your future.” I let out a heavy breath. “If you don’t…” I try to come up with better words because the wrong decision could tear the three of us apart.
“If I what?”
“If you don’t give her everything she deserves—all of it, not the bullshit fa?ade we both can see through, that you’ve used to fuck your way through half of Austin, then do not go there with her.”
“I need to think—”
“Then you aren’t ready,” I boil over. “You’ve had half your lifetime to decide, and we’re family, so you need to prepare yourself to regret it.” The image of Easton splashed all over the headlines, coffee in one hand, his new girlfriend in tow in the other, instantly comes to mind. The hand holding hers, the one that used to reach for mine. Agony sears through me as I speak my truth. “Because that pain is indescribable.”
“Natalie—”
“Damon, you have to love with your whole being and make sacrifices. If you can’t—Do. Not. Enter.”
“I just,” he crushes his eyes closed, his expression pained.
“You do love her.”
“Always have,” he says. “Always, I knew when we were fourteen.”
“Are you in love with her now?”
“I’m trying not to be.”
“So, you can live without her?”
“Fuck no, but—”
“Can you watch her stare at another man like he is her whole world? Can you watch her pledge her life to another man as she marries him?”
“Jesus Christ, Nat,” he says. “What the hell is happening?”
“The reckoning of too many years of denial,” I take another long sip of my drink, the words coming easier. “You’ve suspected it for years. You wanted to know, and now you do. If you can’t pull the trigger…then bury the gun in a place you’ll never find it again.”
“Nat,” he slides closer to me, patting my knee as the stupid tequila gets my voice shaking.
“Look, Damon, you might think I’m projecting my own shit, and maybe I am, but I have to live with my decision every day.” I grip his jaw firmly in my hand. “I love you too much not to warn you in a scary way.”
“A little help here,” Holly calls as she approaches, hands full of margaritas she’s struggling to keep upright. “We have a soldier about to go down.”
“I’ll say,” I smirk as Damon gives me the stink eye before leaping to his feet to help her.
Holly looks up at him and smiles with her whole being, and I physically feel it when it strikes Damon. “Where did you go off to? Practicing impregnation?”
“Funny,” he mutters, his tone giving his inner struggle away.
She frowns. “What’s wrong? You get some sand in your junk, you look…” she tilts her head. “Constipated.”
Jesus, Holly.
I slap my forehead as he considers her as his life’s purpose, and she all but offers him Ex-Lax.
A girl can only do so much.
Holly steps into the cabana, tossing her wrap off as Damon’s eyes cover her bikini-clad body in one longing and completely conflicted sweep. It’s then I know I’ve gotten through to him.
I take my fresh margarita and decide to stir the pot just a little more.
“Good news, Holly. Damon said he’ll be your wingman tonight.”
Damon’s eyes strangle me in a slow, agonizing death over her shoulder as she situates herself on the chair.
“Really?” She glances over to him, and he gives her a very, very unconvincing nod. Frowning, Holly grips his hand. “You sure you’re okay?”
“Yeah, just wiped from swimping.”
“Swimping?” She laughs. “You must be tired. Well, hey, if you aren’t up to tonight,” she says, nodding toward me, “I’ll twist Sister Mary Butler’s arm.” She shifts her focus my way, tossing me into the fire. “How long has it been since you’ve seen action, Nat?”
“I’m good,” Damon interjects. “Just need a power nap.” Time to think. “I’m going to go,” he tosses a thumb over his shoulder, “get some of that…nap.”
He follows that up with the most awkward delivery ever.
“Twatu,” he shakes his head, “to…stay and that,” he gestures toward her drink. “…mmm looks good. I wake up you t-to just text me when you’re ready.”
“Oh my God, Natalie!” Holly’s jaw goes slack as she furiously thumps my arm, fear in her voice, “He’s having a sunstroke!”
“No!” Damon booms and we both jump out of our skin. “I’m fine, baby, see?” He flashes the scariest grin ever. “I promise.”
A burst of hysterical laughter escapes me, but my empathy silences it shortly after. Damon rarely ever lets his guard down this low, nor does he drop the ball. He’s reeling, his struggle at present, painfully palpable.
Was I so obvious with Easton?
Were Easton and I fools to think we hid our attraction, our affection, so well? Joel saw it, and he really didn’t hide that he did. Thinking back, I can remember Joel staring between us a dozen or so times, probably tempted to bang our heads together more than once. Maybe it takes finding a soul-stealing love to truly recognize it—and losing it—to realize it’s worth having, no matter what you have to invest or the total cost.
I’m still waiting on that final sum, but it seems to be the gift that keeps on giving.
“Let’s do dinner first?” Holly asks between the both of us.
“I’m ordering room service tonight,” I say, ignoring Damon’s pleading gaze. He opened this box. It’s his chore to unpack it. “I’m positive I’ll be hungover by dinner.”
“Isn’t day drinking the best?” Holly pipes cheerfully between us.
As the tension thickens, she grips Damon’s hand and presses a chaste kiss to his knuckles. “Nap in here. I haven’t seen you in like three weeks. You’ve been working too hard. I’ll keep my voice down.”
He grins down at her with genuine adoration. “Impossible.”
“You love my mouth,” she quips.
“Yeah, I do,” he says before placing a brief kiss on her temple.
“I love you,” she says easily.
“I love you, too,” he says softly, his eyes lingering, as she turns to me and Damon does too. “Love you,” he says, in afterthought.
“Love you,” I reply, my tone more like yeah, bestie, take a minute. “Text me, if you need me.”
“For what? He’s got me,” she boasts proudly. Damon starts to walk away as I debate whether to come clean when she speaks up.
“Do you think he heard us?” She whisper-yells, eyes wide as Damon stops, lingering just outside the cabana again. He’s pushing it too far, so I decide to, as well.
“Would that be the worst thing?”
“Absolutely,” she says, her expression panicked. “Oh my God, what if he did?”