“I can tell by your expression that you have not had a change of heart, so there’s nothing to say. I don’t want to talk about your crazed, suicidal plans—”
“I thought we were friends,” I accused, my voice cracking slightly. “Granted, I have not had a great deal of those, but I didn’t think friends ignored you when they don’t like what you say or do.”
“I am a friend. Such a good friend that I’m making this decision for your own good.” He rustled through his things, slipping a jacket over his tunic, continuing on as though there was nothing to say on the matter. He would think that. He would think that I was totally at his mercy to go where he directed. “We’ll talk more about this when I get back,” he said in a softer voice.
“Oh, will we?” I swallowed against the tightness in my throat and chafed my hands up and down my arms as though suddenly needing the warmth. “I thought the decision was made. For my own good? Is that not what you said?”
He exhaled an audible gust of breath. As though I was a burden. A great weight upon his shoulders that he must endure—and that stung and pricked at all the raw and sensitive parts of me that yearned to be free and strong. Didn’t he understand by now that I was as independent as he was and not someone who must be cared for as one cared for a pet or child?
When I left home, I’d told myself Sivo let me go because he thought I was strong enough, smart enough to survive in this world.
I had believed that. I still did.
And yet Fowler didn’t. His doubt of me crept in, undermining my own faith. He made me feel vulnerable and scared beyond what was right. A little fear kept you alert. Too much left you crippled.
“Let’s not do this, Luna. Not now.”
“No,” I said, surprising even myself at the firmness of my voice. “I want to do this now.”
His sigh sounded tired. “Is it so very wrong of me? To want to keep you safe?”
“It’s wrong if it’s what I want to—”
“To die?” he demanded. “No. That is wrong. That’s selfish and—”
“Only the selfish belong in this world. Isn’t that what you said? I’m only doing my part.”
I heard his swift intake of breath. For a moment I regretted flinging his own words back at him like that, but then I thought about the multitude of girls being killed across Relhok. Because of me.
“I’m trying to stop him and save lives. How is that selfish?” I pressed, gentling my tone as I stepped closer. The heat from his body radiated toward me. “It’s my life. Mine to do with as I see fit.”
“I promised Sivo and Perla—”
I scoffed at that, knowing how much he had resented that promise. At least in the beginning. “I appreciate your dedication to keeping your word, but Sivo and Perla will never know. They’ll live out their days convinced that I’ve reached the Isle of Allu. They’ll never know any differently.”
His hands closed on my arms, each finger splayed wide, a burning imprint that seared me through the sleeves of my shirt. A pulse beat in his broad palms, thrumming directly into me, merging with my own racing heart.
I dragged in a shuddery breath, thinking I would forever feel those hands on me, an indelible mark long after this—whatever this was—had ended. And it would end one way or another. Either he supported my decision to leave or I was leaving without him. Preferably with him, but I’d cope either way.
“But I’ll know.” He hauled me closer and I went forward with a breathless squeak. “I’ll know.” He was close, his head dipping, bending toward mine.
I lifted my face up, seeking, unable to stop myself even though I knew this would likely end with fresh torment. He’d almost kissed me before. I was sure this would end the same.
“Luna.” My name sounded pained coming from him.
He brought me closer, crushing me against him, our bodies fused until I felt every hard line, every dip and hollow and contour of him. The pressure of his hands on my arms deepened, lifting me slightly until I was on my tiptoes.
“What are you doing?” I demanded in a voice I couldn’t even recognize as my own.
“What does it look like?” His lips were on mine then, grazing the sensitive flesh while he rasped, “For every day of my life, I will know. And I will mourn you.”
He didn’t give me a chance to respond. He deepened the kiss.
I shrugged my arms free of his and looped them around his neck, clinging desperately, following some untapped instinct. I stood on my tiptoes and pulled his head closer. It was like a floodgate had opened. Everything poured out of me, all the longing and hope I’d ever felt. Every dream I ever had I unleashed into this kiss.