"You don't feel right here sometimes," I admit, pressing his hand against my cheek. "You feel like you want to run."
Troy kneels down next to me. "What you're feeling isn't me wanting to run but a need to fight. I hate waiting around for the assholes to attack. I'd rather hurt them first. I can't though, so I get tense. It's not about wanting to be anywhere else. Once Locke is dead, I'll only want to be at your side. Not out partying or traveling or whatever. Just enjoying the quiet I have with you."
I ditch the puzzle and hug him to me. Troy holds me, but his embrace isn't tight enough. I need more of him. Despite his words, I fear losing what we have. I wouldn't even blame Troy for ditching me. I'm no saint and wouldn't want to care for a weak person. For Shelley, I would do anything. Now I feel the same with Troy, but I don't expect him to want to give up his freedom for me.
Troy takes a call while I sit back down on the ground. My thoughts are on Locke, and how he twisted me up inside until I can't even stand naked in front of the man I love.
An idea inspires me to retire to my bedroom. My head is too full of bullshit that I don't think I am brave enough to do what my heart wants. Hands shaking, I close all the shades in the bedroom and then throw a blanket over the spot where light still peeks through the window. Once the room is too murky to see in, I remove one piece of clothing after another. Each one feels like a heavy weight. Naked now, I'm convinced I'll fade away. Nothing holds me here except my hope to share everything with Troy.
Hearing him no longer on the phone, I call for him from the door. I stand back into the dark room and struggle to control my breathing.
"Darla, I can't see shit," Troy says, entering the room.
From the bathroom door, I beg, "Don't turn on the lights. Just stand still, and I'll walk to you."
Even suspicious of the darkness, he shuts the door. "What are we doing?"
Walking to him, I take his hands and rest them against my cheeks. "Even before Locke, I never imagined I'd meet a man like you."
"I never thought I'd love anyone. We both thought too small," he says, skimming my face with his thumbs.
Holding his hands, I lower them to my breasts. His fingers caress my bare skin and then he inhales harshly.
"You said I was pushing you too hard. I'm not pushing you for this, Darla."
"I know. I'm pushing myself. When we're together, I feel free. Locke's hold on me weakens, but I'm still afraid for you to see me. I can't have people looking at me, but I want this."
Troy's no more than a shadow in the darkened room, but I sense his many moods. He's tension fades, yet his uncertainty doesn't.
I pull his shirt over his head and wrap my arms around him. We both sigh when our bare skin makes contact. His fingers dance along my spine, exploring tenderly. I don't need to see his face to know Troy's waiting for me to change my mind.
My fingers reach for the button on his jeans. Again, he inhales roughly as if shocked by my courage. I remove his jeans and then his boxers before wrapping him in my arms again.
"We're both naked now. Is that really so hard?"
"You tell me," he teases.
With his erection trapped between our warm bodies, I slide up and down against him. My hard nipples sent shockwaves of pleasure as they dance against the rough hairs on his chest.
"You're everything," he whispers, kissing me hard.
I struggle to breathe against his passion. I think if he kissed me with any less urgency, though, I might feel rejected. Troy wants me in a way I can't imagine anyone feeling.
"I'm fucked up," I murmur as he sucks at my throat.
"Everyone's fucked. Who cares?" Troy picks me up and carries me to the bed. "I'm so fucking hard. I need you now."
I lean back on the bed while his lips latch onto my thick nipple.
"Troy," is all I can think to say.
His index and middle finger slide inside me, finding me wet. I've been aroused since the moment his warm fingers first grazed my bare body. Now I'm on fire, but one fuck won't be enough. Maybe not even a dozen will satisfy. I want to feel Troy against every inch of me. I want him to own me the way no other man ever could.
41
~~~
Darla
Choosing Denial
Minka is on edge when she enters the apartment. Troy follows her inside, carrying a duffle bag. I try to ignore their anxiety and work on my puzzle. Minka ruins this plan by standing next to me.
"Time to learn about a gun."
I stand up and look between the two of them for a sign of why they're so agitated.
"Is something happening?"
"Even though Saskia's friend took the job, Locke's gone quiet and hasn't responded to messages. Either he's giving up or going a different route."
"I don't think he'll give up."