Lawrence stops walking and asks, "Would you feel bad about it if you had her life? People learn different coping skills. Yours involve talking to me and having a support system. I don't know how Saskia copes with things. Shutting off her feelings could be a skill she learned. To you, her behavior seems wrong or cold. However, she might think your way of dealing with problems is wrong and weird."
Kneeling down, I pet Egon and think about Lawrence's words. "She grew up in a cold world with violent people. I guess showing weakness... Hell, showing any emotion at all would be a weakness. A liability even. "
"In your world, her coping skills aren't necessary. So if you two remained together, she might learn new ones. That's not something she can do overnight. And honestly, it's not fair for you to expect her to change at the snap of your fingers."
"So I'm the bad guy?"
"No, you're a man inexperienced and uncomfortable with relationships outside of your immediate family. You hide here because it's comfortable. Your mother and Nell encourage your dependency. Now you've met a woman who pushes you outside your comfort zone, and you react accordingly."
Lawrence begins walking again, and I follow him. "Brad, no one is the bad guy here. Saskia is just different from you. She needs time to adjust to your life."
"So what do I do?"
"What do you want to do?"
"That's not an answer."
"I'm your therapist, not your heart. You want something from Saskia. You need to decide if it's worth waiting for. I can't answer that for you."
Glancing back at the house, I admit, "I want her to give up her job and stay with me."
"Why give up her job?"
"She closes down when she works. The job keeps her cold and hard. I want her to be able to let her guard down."
"You thought she was a sociopath earlier."
Rolling my eyes, I hate when Lawrence catches my bullshit.
"Fine, I don't want to believe that's her. When we watch my ghost shows, she laughs a lot, and I see her opening up. Like how she's cooking with Mom now. Saskia wants to be different. At least, I hope she does. Like I said, I want to keep her and I can't if she's not the woman I want her to be. I could be just lying to myself to make her right for me, though."
"True. Only time will tell if what you see is real. The problem is you'll need to put yourself at risk emotionally to find out. This isn't something you've been comfortable doing since the attack. With Saskia, there's no protecting yourself from the pain if she rejects or disappoints you."
"So I man up and accept this woman might break my heart."
Lawrence gives me a sympathetic smile. "Exactly. That or you close off your feelings from her and end things. Those are your choices. You can't control that you love her, but you can control whether you act on that love."
"Well, I need to know how she really feels. I won't walk away without being sure. Not knowing would eat me up."
"Then you have your answer."
"So I go to her?"
"I can't answer that. I don't know enough about your dynamics to know whether you should wait until she comes to you. You could make a mental deadline that if she doesn't approach you then you'll approach her."
Lawrence and I walk for another twenty minutes around the property. When we stop at the front porch, I throw a ball to the dogs.
"I need a guy friend. Talking about chicks with you is weird."
"Then get a guy friend."
"How?"
"Leaving the property might be a good first step."
I look around my front yard and think about searching for a guy friend. "No, I'm good. I prefer the company of women."
"I know you do," Lawrence says, nearly laughing.
Despite my irritation, I find myself smiling. The guy knows me too fucking well. Even if it's weird talking to him about my love life, he's the only guy I trust. He's right about me not wanting to leave my safe place. This property keeps me sane, and I'm uninterested in changing to make a few token friends. If Saskia remains here with me, my life will be pretty damn complete.
25
Saskia
Lost in Plain Sight
Standing in the darkness, I stare at Brad's door for a long time. I'm afraid to knock on it. I fear once he sees me that he'll shut the door. I hate feeling such fear, so I force my hand into a fist and knock lightly. Facing my fear is how I've survived long enough to reach this moment.
A sleepy Brad opens the door and blinks several times before really focusing on me.
"I'm sorry," I nearly whisper. "I did nothing wrong, but I'm still sorry."
"Why are you sorry if you did nothing wrong?"
My fingers ache to touch his warm skin. Knowing I can't reach for him, I push myself to explain what I don't want to say.
"When I look in the mirror, I see no fault. But when I look at me through your eyes, I see a monster."
Brad reaches out and brushes away a tear from my cheek. "You aren't a monster."
"I feel no guilt for my past."
"If I were you, I doubt I would either."
"But you're not me."
"Good," he says, taking me into his arms. "I don't want to date myself."
I expect him to kiss me. Instead, Brad walks to the bed and simply holds me in his powerful arms. When my lips search for him, he only kisses me gently before returning to hugging me.
"When was the last time you were allowed to be soft?" he whispers, nuzzling my neck.