“I didn’t mean to lie to you, White. I swear, I didn’t. I was trying to not use you.”
“Use me? From where I’m standing, that’s all you did. If all you wanted was my cock, Honey, you just had to ask. I’ve fucked a lot of women who didn’t deserve my time. I would have just added you to the list.” The hateful words are out before I can stop them. I watch as Kayla visually blanches, her body jerking back as if I struck her with my fist. The air around us grows thick and I instantly want to take the words back. Whatever is going on here, Kayla didn’t deserve that… I don’t think. The truth is, my head is all messed up right now… and my heart. Fuck. It hurts. I’ve never been this deep with a woman before. I gave Kayla everything and I’m starting to think I’m not going to survive this.
“White Hall Lucas, you shut that damn talk right now before my cow-shit-covered boot shuts your mouth for you. What the hell is going on here?” Mom yells, and I feel her coming up beside me on the porch. I don’t look at her. I’m too busy looking at a broken Kayla, because whatever else is going on in my head right now, I’m sane enough to register that. Kayla looks… broken. Something is not right. If she were using me, she wouldn’t be like this, right? Or hell, is this just her playing me again to try and get sympathy? The Kayla I thought I knew is all mixed up with the Kayla who lied to me. Which one is the real her?
“I didn’t want to saddle you to… I didn’t want to trap you with…”
“Spit it out, Kayla,” I growl, frustrated and confused.
“I couldn’t do that to you, White! Don’t you understand?”
Understand? Fuck, I don’t understand any of this. She looks so lost, hurt, and innocent looking at me. Is this the real Kayla? What am I missing here?
“Do what? For fuck’s sake, Kayla, I’ve about had it. Make some goddamn sense or just shut the hell up.”
“I couldn’t trap you into staying with me! Can’t you see that? I knew you didn’t want a child. I didn’t want to trap you and be that weight around your neck you couldn’t ever get rid of.”
“Woman, what the fuck are you talking about? I told you I wanted a baby. Jesus! I was fucking you every minute I could to put my baby in you. It’s what I wanted. And you knew that, Kayla. You can’t pretend you didn’t. I sure as hell told you every chance I got.”
“But you didn’t mean it. Not really, and I couldn’t do it, White. I wanted it so bad but I just couldn’t do it,” she cries, and my anger must be dying down because now I’m hurting, seeing her so torn. I want to comfort her, but I need answers. Whatever this is, whatever is going on, I have to know everything first.
“Do what? What are you talking about?”
“I couldn’t share a child with you and be on the outside of your life while you built a family with someone else.”
“Someone else? What are you talking about? Fucking hell, you aren’t making a bit of sense, Kayla.”
“Eventually you would have left. You would have realized that you didn’t want to be with me and found someone better. I didn’t think I could live if I had to see you with our child every day, being in love with someone else. It’s just too much to expect from me.”
Holy shit. Is she serious? Where the hell is this coming from? I knew her self-confidence was gone, but could she be this blind, this twisted inside? How did I not see this? I hear Mom talking, and Black. I can’t concentrate on what they’re saying. The cow is mooing in the background. I suppose it’s barking in its way because I can hear a car coming up the driveway. It’s all filtered out and relegated into the background as I stare at the woman I love more than life. I’d suspected she had issues, but I don’t think I realized how deep they went. I wasn’t looking for scars and it’s clear to me now that she definitely has them… on the inside.
“White,” Black starts, but I ignore him; my concentration is on Kayla.
“I told you I love you, Kayla. Only you, Buttercup. You told me you believed me.”
“I did. I do… mostly, but there’s all those women you’re with. They’re all so beautiful and then there’s me. Even Rachel…”
“I told you nothing happened with Rachel—”
“White,” Black says again.
“Uh, son…” Ida Sue joins him. I’m taking a step toward Kayla. I want to talk to her about this alone. We need to straighten this shit out. Before I can, however, she goes as pale as a ghost.
“Kayla?” I ask, afraid now something is wrong with her health. I watch as her body trembles. “What’s wrong with you?”
“I think that might be me,” I hear, and I turn around.
I turn and stare straight at Kayla’s sister, Rachel. A very pregnant Rachel.
CHAPTER 55
KAYLA