“No, we aren’t in the position to raise a dog, let alone a child.”
Ryder faced forward and jammed his key into the ignition and started up his car. He backed out of the parking spot, and pulled onto the road and began the journey of driving us home.
“Besides,” he argued, “we’d actually have to fuck in order to get you pregnant.”
I flattened my hands out on my thighs and resisted the urge to ball them into fists.
“We probably would if you didn’t go off every single night to do God knows what.”
The silent ‘or who’ was implied, but the words never left my lips because I was terrified it might turn out to be a ‘who’ that was the reason for him leaving every night. I didn’t think I would be able to handle that, and decided I was better off not knowing. My sister, and the other girls, would smack me around for resorting to this way of thinking, but they didn’t know what my home life or relationship with Ryder was like.
They thought they knew, but they didn’t.
“Don’t feed me that bullshit,” Ryder growled as his hands tightened around the steering wheel. “I’m home a lot and you still never put out. You left our bed to sleep up in Dominic’s old room, the farthest away from me that you can be in our house.”
I felt disgusted.
“Me purpose on this Earth isn’t to fuck you whenever you see fit, Ryder.”
“No,” he agreed, “but it’d be nice if I could hit it at least once a fucking week. I haven’t touched you in months. I’d settle for fucking spooning at this point.”
He spoke of me like I was nothing more than a sexual object.
“And whose fault is that?” I bellowed, throwing my hands in the air. “You’ve pulled away from me. We don’t talk, we don’t laugh, we don’t do anythin’ but fight with one another and it’s your bloody fault. You have landed us in this rut, and the sad thing is I don’t even know why! I don’t know what you do when you leave the house every night or why you’re always on your phone, and it’s pathetic that I’ve just accepted it, but I’m too tired. I fight with you all the time, I’m too exhausted to do anythin’ else.”
I turned my head and looked out the window of the car, willing the tears in my eyes not to fall. I didn’t want to cry. I was fucking sick of crying.
“I’ve told you I’m taking care of some things. That’s all you need to know.”
He had been ‘taking care of some things’ for a fucking year now; he needed to change up his response because it was getting old, and the more I heard it, the more it grated on my already worn nerves.
I closed my eyes, gutted he still wouldn’t share his secrets with me.
“I don’t believe you, Ryder,” I said quietly.
“Then I don’t know what to tell you, Branna,” he replied with agitation though he tried to cover it up with a scowl.
“How about the truth for once?” I countered. “Just tell me where you go and what you do. Please.”
His hands tightened around the steering wheel once more as we approached our street.
“I can’t tell you, you wouldn’t understand.”
I looked down to my thighs. “I can’t understand if you don’t help me to.”
Ryder grunted as he pulled into our driveway, and put the car in park. He took his keys from the ignition and said, “This is on me, okay? It’s nothing for you to worry about, and you will worry if I tell you, and I don’t want that to happen. We’re all under a lot of pressure with Big Phil still out there, and my business doesn’t need to be added to that.”
He got out of the car, closed the door, then walked up the pathway and disappeared into our house, leaving me on my own with only my thoughts for company.
“I can’t do this anymore,” I said aloud, forcing myself to hear the words I’ve silently repeated over and over these last few months.
We couldn’t continue on the path we were on. Something had to change, and in that moment I knew exactly what I had to do to start the healing process for the many wounds that had been cut open and exposed over the last few years. I had to make a change. I had to separate myself from the very being that wounded me so... even if he didn’t mean to.
I squeezed my eyes shut as pain struck. The remaining fragments of my willowed heart shattered into a million pieces as I made a life changing decision. A decision that would affect not only me, but my family and friends too. I reached out and blindingly gripped onto the dashboard of the car to stop myself from collapsing forward as I realised what I needed to do to be free.
I had to break up with Ryder.
Don’t cry.