"You've been quiet since we said goodbye to Jersey and May at the theater." He tucks my hair behind my ear. "I know it's a lot to take in, Ellie. I want us to go the shoebox apartment so I can show you the blanket May was wrapped in and the note."
"I want that." I do. I've wanted that since he told me that May was the baby at the pharmacy. On the walk back to my place after we said goodbye to Jersey and May, Nolan explained about the newscast footage and how he'd watched as I was wheeled out of the pharmacy on a stretcher. He saw the woman with the baby. The baby who was wrapped in the same torn quilt that May was wrapped in when she was found in the lobby of his building. I remember every detail of that quilt. I remember my blood spattering onto it after I'd been shot.
"I have to get Annie's journals." I motion toward the hallway. "I keep them in my shoebox. It's under my bed."
He takes a step in the direction of my bedroom. I stop him with a pull on his shirt. I didn't know if Adley would be here when I told Nolan I wanted to come here. I'm glad that she's not. I need time with just him to absorb everything. It's too much. I can barely wrap my mind around the fact that May was that baby. I can't grab hold of the reality that he is Rigs.
"You treated me like shit," I blurt out. "I'm mad at you."
He kisses my forehead. "You have every right to be pissed as hell at me. I was an asshole. I'm sorry, Ellie. I lost it when I saw you with Wolf."
"He was helping me," I explain. "This week is a hard one for me and I saw him there and he asked how I was doing and I lost it. I cried because Annie and I used to share a package of candy whenever we found enough change in the park to buy it. I went there for May. I went to the store to get a necklace for May."
"I've never been in love before." His arms circle me. "I don't know how to do this. I need you to guide me, to help me. I need you to tell me when I'm fucking shit up because I cannot lose you. I won't. You are my breath now. If I lose you, I lose me."
"Never stop talking to me." I bump my fist against his chest. "Never do that. We can work out anything if we talk. If you go radio silent, I can't deal with it."
"It won't happen again." He trails his lips over my forehead. "I promise I will talk to you if I lose my shit over something I see or hear. I'll discuss it with you, Ellie. I won't shut you out."
"I love you so much," I whisper. "I was scared that I lost you forever."
"You love me?"
I look up and into his handsome face. "I love you more than anything. You know that, Nolan."
"I hoped that you loved me." He moves his hands to cradle my face. "You haven't said it yet, Ellie. You didn’t tell me that you love me."
"I love you," I shout. "I love you, Nolan."
"I love you too."
"Promise me you'll never shut me out again. Promise me you won't let your huge ego destroy us." My mouth curves into a smile.
"I promise and it's not that big."
"It's huge." I hold my hands out in front of me so they're two feet apart. "It's this big."
"You have my ego confused with my dick." He cups his hands over mine and brings them to his chest. "Let's put the past to rest so we can focus on our future."
"I'd like that." I reach up to brush my lips over his. "I'd actually love that."
***
I hold his hand in silence as he reads my sister's journals.
We'd taken them out of my shoebox together along with a Polaroid picture of Annie and me that had been taken four days before our father died and our lives changed forever. In the photograph we're standing in Times Square, our arms linked together as we smile for the camera. The woman taking it knew us. She'd been working the area taking pictures of tourists for spare change for months. When she saw us that day, she asked if she could snap a picture. We agreed and after she was done, she handed it to Annie. She tucked it into the pocket of the worn varsity jacket she'd gotten from the shelter.
"You're sure you don't want some water or something, Ellie?" He turns to look at me.
We've been sitting on the couch in the shoebox apartment for more than an hour now. We came straight here after we got the journals. I wanted the privacy this space offers and he wanted to bring me here to show me the blanket that May had been wrapped in that day he became a dad.
"I'm fine." I glance down at the page he's reading. "You were like an older brother to her."
His eyes search mine. "Why did I never meet you? Where were you when I was with Kip?"
"One time I was hanging on the edge of the park and I saw you two talking." I pause to read a sentence written in my sister's handwriting. "Mostly I was with my dad. He would ask people for money and I was his prop."
I see the pity in his eyes but I don't want it. My dad lived a life that was filled with regret. He lost his first wife, Annie's mom, to a heart attack when she was too young for anyone to know that her heart wasn’t strong.