“I’m not even a little bit convinced that he didn’t sell me out too,” she said. “But you’re right that there’s more to it. I’ve known Justin since preschool. We’ve been friends my whole life. We were inseparable—that whole thing I told you about me not having many girl friends? That’s because Justin was pretty much my only friend growing up. I didn’t think I needed anyone else. And I thought he didn’t either—even when we started high school and we both got into guys, we were more in it to have fun. We had a great time, but we always had each other, and that was more important. Things shifted a little when Raj moved here—they had some classes together and Justin’s always been into soccer, so they bonded right away, and for a little while we were a threesome.”
I thought about triangle friendships, and seesaw friendships, and I wondered whether Justin felt like he’d been in the middle, like Becca had. But Alex and Raj seemed to have their own friendship, so maybe there was more balance. “Was that okay? Was it hard having things not just be the two of you?”
“That’s the thing—it wasn’t bad at all. It made me wonder why we’d been so against hanging out with other people. Raj is really great, and we’d have movie nights at his house, and go to parties together, and it was fun. But then Justin met this Mark person, though of course I had no idea who it was at the time, and he basically disappeared. It was like he’d made friends with Raj so I’d have someone to hang out with when he bailed on me.”
“I’m sure it wasn’t like that,” I said, though I understood why she might have thought so.
“I know. That’s just how it felt.”
“Did you talk to him about it?”
“I tried. He just said I needed to grow up, which really pissed me off. We had a huge fight and didn’t talk for a while, and eventually we got to where we could be civil and hang out in groups, but it’s not the same. I really miss him.” I could hear the anger in her voice fading to sadness.
“I know what you mean,” I said. “It’s not the same thing, but I told you I used to hang out with Isabel and Becca. Becca was my best friend, but she was best friends with Isabel too—the three of us were kind of a trio, but it was more that Isabel and I were friendly because we both wanted to be around Becca.”
“What happened? I remember you said there was a blowup.”
“It was my fault,” I said. “I screwed it up. I wasn’t a very good friend, and I wasn’t honest. They finally decided they’d had enough of me.” That was pretty much it, really. The details didn’t matter. I felt a pang of embarrassment remembering our argument out on the lawn in front of that party, and another remembering Isabel telling me that they’d known about the monster, had known all along. It made me look back at everything differently.
“Well, if it makes you feel any better, you’ve never been like that with me.”
Except that of course I had. “I’m trying to be better.”
“I wish Justin would. I’m sure this Mark person is all magic and unicorns and hotness, but that’s no reason to give up a friendship. Or to ruin my life.”
“He sounded so convincing when he said he hadn’t told Blocked Sender about you, though.”
“That’s what he said. But he is literally the only person in the world who knew how much drama there was in my family when my uncle got arrested. It was awful, and I was completely miserable. He’s the only one who knows I still talk to my uncle and that I’m terrified of my parents finding out about that and all the poker stuff, and he’s the only one who knows what I think will happen if they do.”
“I know that too,” I said.
“But you didn’t, not when Blocked Sender started texting me. That information could only have come from Justin. The fact that he used our history to save his relationship is unforgiveable. Once this is all over, he and I are done.”
She’d reached her limit, just like Becca and Isabel had reached theirs with me. I understood, but I wondered whether that would really make her feel better. Even though Isabel and I had never been independently close, just being back on speaking terms with her was making me happy.
Despite the circumstances, of course.
22.
I picked everyone up at eight thirty that night, and by a quarter to nine we were headed over to Ridgewood Drive. No need to sit around too long, I’d figured, and we wouldn’t need that much time to get there. “I don’t see why you put the tall people in the back,” Justin whined. “Alex is tiny. She doesn’t need so much legroom.”
I didn’t tell him that Alex had insisted on sitting in front. “If we’re in the backseat together I can’t make any promises about his survival,” she’d said. “I don’t want to look at his stupid face.”
So she had shotgun. Justin was sitting right behind her, and though the very long-legged Raj had been the last person to sit in front, she hadn’t moved the seat up at all. Small victories, I supposed. I’d moved mine up as far as I could stand it to accommodate Raj, but I was sure he was uncomfortable too. I didn’t feel all that bad for him; he’d been the one to suggest taking my car, after all.