“The spider venom has similar properties to penicillin. It means you’ll have a more significant reaction.”
My giant balls do seem damn significant. I glance at the clock on the wall; it’s already after eight. “How long do you think this is going to take? I need to go to the campfire tonight; the kids are expecting me. Tomorrow morning we’re playing kids-versus counselors before their parents pick them up. I need the swelling to go down so I can play.” Plus there’s going to be some local journalists stopping by, as per Amber’s suggestion.
“We can get your teammate to cover for you.”
“I don’t need Randy to cover for me. I want to hang out with these kids and play hockey and roast banana boats on an open fire. Just give me some antihistamine and a couple of painkillers. I’ll be good to go.”
My man unit is still hanging out. Nurse Debbie is still staring. I can understand why. I’m gonna snap a couple of pics before the swelling goes down because they’re so crazy huge. I’ll threaten Vi with them if she gets on my nerves.
Debbie crosses her arms over her chest. I should know better than to tell a medical professional what she needs to do. “I need to take a better look at the bite before I do that.”
She makes me put my legs up on the cot and spread them. It’s an awkward, exposed position, way worse than look to the left and cough. She gets right in there and fondles my fuzzy, burning balls. Then she makes me roll over on my side and lift a leg. It’s like a porno, except not arousing at all. I consider how uncomfortable these positions must be for the chicks who star in the hardcore movies.
The longer she’s down there, the more worried I become. My biggest concern is that some spider has mutated into a highly venomous ball biter and moved to Canada. It’s not logical; almost all of the most deadly spiders are found in Australia. Getting here means crossing an ocean on a twenty-four-hour flight.
I calm my anxieties by reviewing the list of Canada’s most dangerous creatures while Nurse Debbie pokes at my balls. Moose are lethal if they walk out onto the highway and run into a car. Beavers get territorial over their wood. Bears are bears. I’m not sure about the rest of the animal population here. I guess it’s tame, like the people.
Eventually I’m allowed to sit up. Nurse Debbie hands me a sheet to cover my business.
“As suspected, it’s a fishing spider bite. It won’t cause lasting damage if it’s treated properly, but with your allergy to penicillin, it’s definitely worse than it should be. Plus the location is sensitive, as is the tissue there. I’d like to do a blood test to rule out toxicity, and I’ll give you something for the swelling and pain. I’ll need you to come back in a couple hours so I can check again, and then again tomorrow morning before I can clear you for games.”
“It’ll be fine by morning. I’ve taken a puck to the balls before, and my junk works fine. No stupid spider is going to get in the way of me playing tomorrow.”
“If I don’t clear you, you can’t play.”
I’m about to plead my case, but she puts up her hand. “I deal with athletes with medical issues for a living. You can argue with me until you’re blue in the face, but if I tell you it’s not safe to play, it’s not safe to play. You’ll find another way to do what you came here to do.”
“Come on, Debbie. It’s the last day.”
She puts one hand on her hip and points at my sheet-covered crotch with the other. There’s an obvious bump. “You only get one set of those. They’re not car parts. You can’t replace them. It’d be a shame if nothing worked because you decided to be stubborn, wouldn’t it?”