“My balls are the size of Canada, and everyone knows the world maps are wrong, and Canada’s the biggest country out there.”
“Actually, I’m pretty sure that’s Australia, or maybe it’s China or Russia. Geography was never my thing. Seriously, Buck, I’d like to believe you’re smart enough not to brag to me about bagging three bunnies when you’re supposed to be with Sunny.”
“I hat tricked with Sunny.”
“You did what?” She screams so loud, my ear starts to ring. Her voice is muffled when she says, “Everything’s fine. I’m talking to Charlene. She bought another purse off the shopping channel.” There’s a few seconds of fumbling around and then, “You better explain yourself. Quickly.”
“So, like, Sunny had a boyfriend in high school, right?”
“What the hell does this have to do with a hat trick?”
“I’m getting to that. So get this, he was terrible at sexing.”
“Everyone’s terrible at sexing in high school.”
“That’s not true. I was awesome.” At least that’s what the girls said.
“Says you. I’m still not understanding what this has to do with hat tricks.”
“Apparently the guy never gave Sunny an orgasm. Not once.”
Violet gasps. “You’re kidding.”
“Nope.” Clearly I’m not alone in thinking that’s poor boyfriend form. The first thing a guy should do is figure out what gets the girl off, especially if he wants a repeat.
“If that’s true, it really is terrible.”
“What do you mean, ‘if it’s true’?”
“You’re sure Sunny didn’t tell you that to boost your ego?”
“Why would she do that?”
“To make you feel good about yourself?”
“Do girls really do that?” I can’t imagine lying about not having orgasms, and Sunny isn’t much for dishonesty. That’s more my area. And I usually just leave out details so they can draw their own conclusions.
“I don’t know. Sometimes? Maybe. I’ve lied to Alex about . . . never mind.”
“You can’t not tell me.”
“You don’t want me to finish that sentence, Buck. I promise it won’t make a difference to this conversation, other than causing irreparable emotional damage.”
“I highly doubt that. What have you lied to him about? Sex stuff? Orgasms? About never having one before?” I try not to think about the two of them together in the locker room last spring.
Vi barks out a laugh. “Hardly. I’m like a coming machine. I can have, like, eighteen orgasms in a row. It’s awesome.”
Girls don’t realize how good they have it. Unless I learn Tantra, I’m good for a max of six a day, and that’s spread out over a twenty-four-hour period. “So if you didn’t lie about orgasms, what did you lie about?”
“You’re sure you want to know?”
Vi has a tendency to overshare and say exactly what’s on her mind at any given time. If she’s censored herself, it has to be bad, which makes me want to know even more. “I’m sure.”
“Once I lied about my level of leakiness.”
“Leakiness?”
“Leakiness.”
“What does that even mean?” I regret the question as soon as I ask it.
“How wet I get.”
I gag. “Shit, Vi. I didn’t need that information.”
“I told you you didn’t want to know, but you wouldn’t listen. It’s not my fault I’m a naturally lubey person.”
“Okay. Enough. I don’t want to hear any more. Sunny wouldn’t lie about her lack of orgasms. She looked way surprised every time I gave her one.”
“Maybe that’s her O face.”
I might agree if Sunny’s reaction to me going down on her had been different. “I also gave her first orgasm by mouth and her first sex-gasm, so there’s my hat trick. It totally kicks Waters’ fake hat trick’s ass, right?”