I let out a breath. If things were going to work with Lia and me, it was past time I put up some boundaries with my mother. “I am thinking of him. I’m thinking of all three of us.” Like I should have been all along.
I looked at her for a moment, her lips pressed together, that haughty look on her face she wore so well. “Mom, Hudson is Lia’s son, and I won’t have you undermining her role in his life. I think you did that even while she was here, trying her best, and I should have seen it. I should have seen what was happening and I didn’t. I was blind to everything except my own pain, and Lia suffered because of it. Probably more than I’ve even come to realize.”
“Don’t you think I was in pain, too?” Her voice rose in sound and in octave.
“Yes. We were all in pain, and we all made mistakes—some bigger than others. But it was my responsibility to protect my family, and I fell down on the job.”
“You didn’t fall down on the job. You saved the farm. What was more important than that?”
Lia. Hudson. They should have been more important than that. I sighed. “All I’m asking is that you try to find some forgiveness and understanding for the reasons Lia left, and maybe even consider that you held some responsibility in making her feel unwelcome here.”
“What was I supposed to do? I hardly had the strength to put up objections to her moving in. She showed up here pregnant during the worst time of my whole life—”
“Who do you think got her pregnant?”
“Don’t be crass. And for all you know, she got pregnant on purpose to get out of that tiny apartment you told me she lived in in town.”
Crass? “Jesus, Mom. She didn’t get pregnant on purpose. I needed her here so I could focus on the farm.”
“And how was I supposed to say no to that?”
I paused as the picture became clear. I’d told my mother I needed Lia here if I was going to put the time in on the farm that was necessary to try to save it and in doing so, I’d helped myself, but condemned Annalia to living as an unwelcome guest. “This is what you did to her, isn’t it? All those months you made her feel like she’d forced herself on us purposefully. You made sure she knew she was unwanted?” Dirty. Just like she’d felt that day at school when Alicia Bardua had called her disgusting when she’d seen bedbugs on her.
My mom looked away but not before I’d seen the truth in her eyes. Oh, Christ. And right here, right under my nose. A stab of guilt made me wince. “I love my grandson,” she said, kissing the top of Hudson’s head. He was playing with the locket she wore around her throat and at her kiss, looked up and smiled.
“I know you do, Mom. And we can’t change the past—like I said, we all made mistakes. I’m going to try my damnedest to fix what I can, and I hope you’ll do the same. An apology to Lia wouldn’t be out of line.”
“An apology? She owes us an apology.” My mother looked indignant for a moment but then she sighed and put Hudson, who was squirming in her arms, on the floor. He crawled to me and I pulled him onto my lap where he started grabbing for things on the desk.
My building irritation with my mother almost caused me to miss the soft knock on our front door. “There’s your mama,” I said, standing up with Hudson and heading toward the door. “We can talk more later, Mom.” My mom followed behind me, grabbing a sweater off the coat tree in the foyer.
I opened the door and Lia was there, beautiful in a white flowy skirt and a black tank top. Her hair was braided again, and she smiled brightly when she saw Hudson in my arms. “Happy birthday, little man.”
“Hi, Lia,” my mother said as she scooted past me. “I hope you all have a nice day.”
“Mrs. Sawyer,” Lia said, turning to watch her walk down the steps.
“Come on in.” I handed Hudson to her and her smile grew. We walked into the family room and when we got there, he took her face in his chubby hands so she couldn’t look away and jabbered something nonsensical that sounded like, hasni mabashka. She laughed out a small sound and her eyes moved to mine, eyebrows raised as a happy but helpless look took over her expression.
I laughed, too. “Your guess is as good as mine on that one.”
I walked over to them. “What are you trying to tell Mama?” Hudson kept his hands on Lia’s cheeks but turned his eyes to me, repeating the same incomprehensible statement. Lia looked at me as well, her eyes shiny with tears, her expression full of what looked like gratitude—I assumed because I’d referred to her as Mama in front of Hudson.
I looked back and forth from one to the other, two pairs of stunning light green eyes focused on me and the sight hit me low in my gut. Those beautiful, expressive eyes that I’d loved all my life were now looking back at me from my son’s face and the power of that suddenly overwhelmed me with a mixture of possessiveness and wonder. They were mine. This woman and this child. Mine.
Hudson looked back at Lia and repeated himself one final time, letting go of her face and pointing at his new train table. “Tay,” he said very seriously.
Lia laughed and brought him to his train table and stood him in front of it. I watched as they played trains together for a while, my heart squeezing at the sight of the two of them together. I soaked it in, realizing I’d never really watched them together—I’d left so much of his care to her those first six months because I’d been so obsessed with the farm, and then so exhausted at the end of each day.
But I realized now that the times I had seen her, she’d never had the light in her eyes that she did right now. I’d written it off to the exhaustion of new parenthood. I’d known she was probably as tired as I was, and I’d told myself I would be able to help her more once the farm was doing better. After all, I’d been trying to save the farm for them as well—it wasn’t only my family legacy, it was my livelihood, the way I put food on the table and a roof over all our heads. I was working as hard as I was to care for them. Only Lia had needed more—she had needed emotional care, too, and I hadn’t taken the time to acknowledge that.
I got down on the floor with them after a few minutes, and watched Hudson chatter happily as he moved his train around the tracks. “Hey, Lia, I asked Tracie to come over so you and I could get out for a little bit. Is that okay?”
She looked at me, her eyes moving over my face. She looked slightly troubled. “We could bring Hudson with us.” She pushed his hair back from his forehead as he played.
“He’ll need a nap soon, and I’d like to spend some time with you. I think it’s important.”
Her eyes softened and she nodded. “All right.”