“You have a son, Lia. A woman alone in a car that’s practically falling apart on a road trip of that distance? Did it enter your mind that anything could have happened to you? Goddamn it,” he practically growled, “it wasn’t safe.”
“Neither was this house.” In a different way, but dangerous nonetheless. Dangerous to my heart. My soul. I’d tried. I’d tried to bring some light into a household filled with overwhelming grief, sadness, and anger. Just as my mother had looked at me with disdain and contempt, Preston’s mother had done the same. I’d gone from one cold tomb to another. This place had been just as toxic for me, and I’d been suffocating beneath the animosity. I remembered wondering if I’d ever be wanted? Ever be warmly accepted into a home.
Preston stilled again at my statement, his jaw tense, but the anger seemed to have faded from his eyes, leaving a weary hostility in his expression. “You couldn’t have told me where you were going? When you’d be back?”
I paused for a second. “No, because I didn’t know.” That was partly true. I hadn’t known when I’d be back, but the reason I hadn’t told him where I’d be was because I worried he’d come after me or ask me to return. And I hadn’t been strong enough to tell him to let me go, especially if he persisted. I would have come back and things would have continued as they had been, and I couldn’t have survived it. It was a selfish thing to do and I hated myself for it, but I couldn’t make a different choice now. I’d done what I thought I had to do to regain a small piece of myself, to heal, to be a better mother.
Preston stared at me for several long moments and his shoulders seemed to sag minutely as the fight went out of his eyes. He glanced down at Hudson and said softly, “We can talk about this later. When we’re alone.”
I nodded.
Hudson spotted something on the floor and lifted his head, reaching his arms toward it, indicating he wanted to be put down. Preston walked him over to a toy box I hadn’t noticed and set him down on the floor. He knelt up and plucked a toy out of the box and then sat down to play with it.
I could have watched him all day, just noting all the things he’d accomplished since I’d seen him last, all the ways he’d changed.
“Do you want to sit down?” I turned and Preston had his arm out toward the couch.
“Sure.” I sat down and turned my attention back to Hudson who was kneeling back up at the toy box, removing toys one by one.
“He’ll take them all out and then decide what he wants to play with.” Preston still seemed tense, but he was obviously trying to turn this visit back toward the baby, and I appreciated that.
“It’s good to see all your options right in front of you, I guess.” I turned to Preston with a small smile on my face and he blinked and looked away.
“Yeah.” He brought his hand up and massaged the back of his neck, the moment strangely awkward all of a sudden. I guessed it was too soon to try for a relaxed demeanor.
“I can watch him . . . I mean, if you have some other things to get to.”
“No, it’s fine.”
We sat in silence for ten more minutes just watching Hudson play and then Preston stood. “It’s almost time for his morning snack. I’m going to have to cut this short.”
“Oh.” Surprise and disappointment jolted through me at what was obviously a dismissal, and a sudden one at that. I’d hoped he might give me longer than this. But I was still grateful he’d given me any time at all, so I wasn’t going to push it. I no longer had that right.
“I could, uh, watch him here tomorrow if you have to work. We could talk later in the day—maybe dinner?” I held my breath.
“I hired a girl to watch Hudson here while I work.”
“Oh. I . . . I didn’t know.”
“How could you?” The words came out harsh and I understood the resentment behind them. He hates me.
I let out a breath, deciding to sidestep that completely for now. I couldn’t know. I had no idea what had happened in this house since I’d left. I wanted to, though. I wanted to know if Preston was doing any better, I wanted to know if it was allowed to mention Cole’s name, I wanted to know if the sounds of muffled tears still echoed through the house at night. I had been surprised to find him in the diner eating dinner the other night and wondered how much he was getting out now, after a year of barely leaving this house. “Will you let me know when you’re ready to talk?”
His jaw ticked but he nodded. “How do I get hold of you?”
“Oh, I’ll have to call you. Or you can use my mother’s landline.”
He stared at me for a moment, and I saw some emotion slip through that blank fa?ade he kept up so well, but too briefly for me to name it. He let out a breath. “Your cell phone is up in my room. I’ll get it for you.”
“You kept paying my cell phone bill?”
He ran a hand through his hair. “Yeah. I have no idea why,” he mumbled almost as if to himself.
Hudson crawled over to Preston, looking up at me on his way and grinning that four-toothed grin. “Dada,” he said and I sucked in a breath at the sound of the word, of his sweet voice. To me it was his first word because it was the only one I’d ever heard, and I worked to keep the tears at bay.
If Preston noticed my emotion, he didn’t comment. He bent down and picked his son up easily, settling him on his waist. “Hey, buddy. Hungry?”
Hudson babbled something I couldn’t understand. “Okay. We’ll get you some apple juice,” Preston murmured and emotion welled up in me again. I didn’t know if Hudson’s babbles indicated he’d wanted juice or if Preston had merely known he would by the time. I did understand that Hudson must have at least a few sounds and baby gestures that Preston understood and which I would be clueless about.
But I now knew he liked apple juice. I wondered what else he liked, wondered what Preston would give him for a snack and later, for lunch and dinner, felt almost desperate to know what he was eating these days—what were his favorites? Was he good about eating his fruits and vegetables? Of course he must be. Preston would make sure of that.
We walked into the foyer and Preston turned toward the stairs, telling me he’d be right back. I waited by the front door, holding my hands together in front of me, feeling sad and awkward, longing for more time with Hudson but knowing I had no bargaining power whatsoever. I was at Preston’s mercy because my actions had put me in this position.