I nod quickly, unable to form words.
“That’s me wanting you, Cara. I want you every fucking day. I jerk off like a teenager in the shower. Every. Fucking. Morning.” He lets me go and stalks back to the front and then he gets in the truck.
I stare down at my hand, his words playing over and over in my mind.
I know he’s right. I’m the problem. I do think that someone like him would never want someone like me. I don’t get back in the truck but instead walk home. I need the time so I can think.
I have to make an appointment with the doctor so I can at least get on the pill or injection. I have to think this all through, and make sure I’m ready. I don’t want to mess up my chance with Damian.
I really want to be the woman for him. I just have to find a way.
Damian~
Things have been awkward between us the last few weeks. Cara is quiet, only talking when I ask her something.
I mean it’s eight on a Friday night and she’s in bed pretending to sleep, while I’m staring at some snowy program, because the bunny ears I got for the old TV sucks.
I need to get a new TV tomorrow. I get up on a sigh and switch the damn thing off. I walk into the bathroom to brush my teeth. When I reach for the toothpaste, I notice that it’s finished. I crouch down and open the cupboard under the basin so I can get a new one. That’s when I see it … pills.
She’s on the pill? When did she start the pill? Fuck that! More important, why did she start the pill?
I brush my teeth and then stalk to the bedroom. Tonight I’m getting some answers. I flick on the light.
“We need to talk,” I say, sitting down on the side of the bed.
She opens her eyes and watches me warily as she scoots to the middle of the bed.
“I won’t let us fall into some fucked up routine where we ignore each other when we’re home. If you feel you have to leave and find your own way, I won’t stand in your way. But, if you’re going to stay with me, then we need to talk about us.”
She swallows hard. “I don’t want to leave,” she whispers.
“Why?” I ask. This is one of the most important questions she’ll ever have to answer.
She starts to fiddle with the cover and whispers, “I want to stay with you, because…” She swallows again looking nervous as hell. “You’re my life now.”
A smile plucks at my lips after hearing her answer. We would’ve had a huge problem if her answer was because I kept her safe. We can’t build a sexual relationship on that. Then it would be better if we stay friends.
But, she didn’t say that. She said I was her life and that makes a huge difference to where we go from here.
Cara~
The past few weeks have been agonizing. Not knowing where I stood with Damian. Not knowing if I’ve ruined my only chance with him. It’s been killing me.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I won’t know if I’m ready for sex unless I actually try it. It’s just … the word sex brings up images of pain and despair.
I really want this. I want a future so badly it hurts. I want that future to be with Damian and only Damian. He’s the only person who has survived my enemies. He’s the only one who is strong enough.
I scoot closer and I glance up at him from under my lashes. “I really want to try with you.”
His eyes are intense as they bore into mine. “You have to be sure, Cara.” I can hear the concern in his voice and it melts my heart.
“You saved all of me and I want to give that to you.” When his hand cups my cheek, I take a breath, and then he leans in and he presses his lips to my forehead and my stomach drops. He’s going to reject me … again.
“Remember what I said?” he whispers against my skin. “I fuck hard and fast, and babe, you deserve soft and slow. I want to fuck you, but more than that, I want you to be sure that you’re ready for it.”
I ignore what he just said. I’ve already put myself out on a ledge here and I might as well jump.
I try a different approach hoping for better results. “I have a problem,” I whisper instead. My heart leaps to my throat.
I feel his hand move to my side and his fingers brush over some exposed skin. It’s a start.
He lifts his other hand to my face and tucks some of my hair behind my ear. His eyes are dark as they scan my face.
“What?” he asks. I glance away, out the window at the dark night and then back. I see the muscle start to move on the side of his jaw.
“I’ve-” I can’t say the words. I drop my eyes to his mouth that’s slightly open. “I’ve never made…” I let it trail away again and swallow hard. I fist his shirt for a second in frustration that I can’t even say the words and then splay my fingers open wide. I mean it’s us.