“Let me know when you have a hit.”
When I’m done with the call, I become aware of my heart racing a mile a minute.
Two months … that’s all it took for Cara to crawl into the space my heart used to be.
Cara~
I wake to The Carpenters harmonizing and I shove the pillow over my head. Annie will drive me around the bend with that record player of hers. And she only listens to two records - The Carpenters and the one of Elvis with the scratches on. It hiccups on two of the songs. When she hums along to it she hiccups with it.
The first week I just followed her around like a lost puppy, and she let me. She showed me how to turn the ground, how to plant seeds, and I stared when she started pumping the weird looking thing that made water come from the river up to the little patch of land.
Some guy named Jason made it for her. She gave me the impression this Jason is like a son to her, maybe some boy that goes around doing odd jobs for the elderly. Who knows?
I watched her make bread. I mean from scratch – like from flour and eggs and things. And she pickled some chili. I’ll never remember how she did it all but it was the most fascinating thing I’ve ever seen. It was also the first time I let myself wonder, why not?
Why can’t I just be right here? With Annie. I miss my parents and Annie doesn’t have anyone. We could be together out here in the middle of nowhere. No one will ever find me here.
“Annie,” I call as I walk out of the room that has now become mine. Believe it or not, I’m wearing a dress. Annie adjusted some of her old dresses for me. Some brush the floor when I walk, but most hang under my knees. I’m fine with it. It covers everything and Annie’s happy. “Annie, you want me to run up to the patch so long?”
I find her on the porch, sipping her homemade tea. I won’t touch that stuff ever again. Annie drinks flowers. She picks them right out back and lets them dry and then she drinks them. She calls it her version of Chamomile tea. I’m not so sure about that, it just looks like plain old daisies to me. She started explaining that Chamomile is a type of daisy, and I watered the roses nearest to me with the rest of the tea I had left.
“Come sit next to me, Honey.” She gives me her all-knowing look. The one that I’ve quickly learned leads to a serious talk.
I sit down on the swing and look out toward the trees to where the river lies.
“Tell me,” she starts, “is there something you need from town?” she asks and I let out a breath of relief. I was expecting questions or worse.
“No. No, thank you.” I smile. She’s already giving me so much.
“So you don’t need any lady stuff, for you know, down south?”
I flush red at her question and I start nodding, because duh, I do need those – then realization slams hard. “I haven’t had my period in months.”
“Oh dear,” Annie sighs.
I shake my head at the ugly possibility staring me right in the face. “I can’t be!” I jump up and start to pace in front of Annie.
“You’re going to make me dizzy. Sit down, child. No need to worry until we know for sure. I’ll get one of those tests for you.”
“Still,” I mumble in shock. “I … I’m going down to the land. I’ll see you later.”
I rush away from all the questions in Annie’s eyes.
Pregnant.
All the memories flood me, threatening to drown me out in the open. I thought I could run away from the nightmare. I thought if I just ignored it all then it would be just that … a nightmare.
I can’t be pregnant. I don’t even know which of them impregnated me! They’re all dead anyway.
Pregnant.
Every second will be a stark reminder of being raped, of being beaten – of being degraded. Maybe my period is staying away from the beating and being raped? Maybe it’s just stress. Shit, I hope so.
If I’m pregnant it’s a good thing I left Damian. With the job he does, it would be too dangerous for a child.
I’ve been with Annie for eleven days. Damian said it takes two weeks to break a habit. I only had three more to go, hoping the pain of leaving Damian would start easing up some, because whoever said time heals all never felt the pain I’m feeling.
“We did that piece, already, Honey,” I hear Annie call. She gave me some time to myself this morning for which I’m grateful.
I don’t know what to do. What if I’m pregnant? What will I do?
Instead of mulling over all the dark memories, I now chew over questions I have no answers for.
I look over the row I’ve just scuffled. We did it already? I’m so screwed up. I can’t even think straight.
“We did it two days ago. Today we plant tomato and potato seeds.”
I get up and dust my hands off and then walk over to where all the packets of seeds are.