I’m already hard, but the sight of Devi Dare with her naked ass in the air is enough to make a man insane. Especially when that man remembers all too well what it was like to touch her, what it was like to push his cock into that smiling mouth.
“You okay?” I asked, right before the filming started and she, Raven and I climbed onto the bed.
“Yeah,” she whispered. “It’s my first real scene though, so…”
“Take it easy?”
A sunny laugh. “I was going to say make it memorable.”
It was memorable for me at least. I’ve jacked off to both the memory of that scene and the actual thing on DVD enough times to have every gasp and moan memorized. And still I’m about to come just thinking about it.
I need to fuck someone. Where is Tanner with the cameras?
By the time I’ve kicked my dirty boxers and the Criterion Collection DVD cases under my bed and walked back out, Tanner is still breaking down equipment and the girls are already back on their phones. Ginger is apparently tweeting selfies of her tits, while Lexi giggles at something she’s reading.
I accept the fact that fucking is still a ways off and I readjust my raging erection as I help Tanner bring in his camera stands and lighting boards.
“Are you going to Vida’s party tonight?” Tanner asks as we work. “You should, you know. Networking and all that bullshit.”
“I honestly haven’t thought about it,” I say, which is a lie. I’ve thought about it a lot. Vida Gines is the grand-maven of the porn scene right now, a former star turned producer, and her party tonight is celebrating her company’s acquisition of Lelie, a popular Dutch feminist porn studio. And that makes this party a problem for me.
Don’t get me wrong, I love feminist porn. The authenticity, the real women, the real orgasms, and I am a little obsessed with how creative and visual the directors are. Not to mention that my erection-fairy Devi Dare has only done the fair trade, female-friendly girl-girl stuff since Raven’s Real Playdates, and I make it a point to watch every single one of those.
Plus, Vida’s party is going to be huge, and while O’Toole Films is doing well, it never hurts to rub shoulders with affiliate managers, distributors, and new talent.
No, the problem is that the party will have the feminist porn crowd there. And the art-porn crowd, and the alt-porn crowd, and the locus at the middle of those three groups…
Raven.
My brain stutters to a halt, and I blink at the lighting board I just set on the floor.
Tanner reads my mind. “She may not be there, you know.”
“I know,” I say defensively, like my brain hasn’t just been immolated by a thousand terrible, wonderful memories.
“And even if she is, maybe it’s time you showed her that you’re over…whatever it was that happened. You’re one of the biggest names in the industry right now—this is your playground too. You can’t hide from everything forever.”
I take my time answering, fussing with the lighting board stand far longer than necessary. But when I do answer, it’s only two words. “You’re right.”
This satisfies Tanner. “Of course, I’m right. I’m always right. I was right about tacos for breakfast this morning and I am right about Vida’s party. You go, impress everyone with your smile and your dick, and you make Raven regret the day she left you.”
Tanner makes it sound so easy, so direct, and for a moment, I see it in my head the way I would film it. An establishing shot of Vida’s modernist mansion, richly lit, scored by something low but catchy. Me, laughing, making other people laugh. Raven, alone and glowering into a glass of mid-range white wine. There would be a moment—closely tracked, carefully scored—where I would pass her on the way to somewhere, the balcony maybe. And she would lift her eyes to mine, and see the easygoing confidence I’m famous for, and nothing else. She wouldn’t see the empty scotch bottles or that night I saw Goldfinger three times in a row at a classic movie theater because I couldn’t bear the thought of going home to an empty house. No, she would see the real Logan, the new Logan. The Logan who was about to kick everybody’s ass (and then come all over those asses afterwards.)
Adrenaline pumps through me. For three months, my life has been a cycle of fucking, filming, and editing. I’ve only seen my friends if they happened to be part of my filming and fucking cycle. But tonight, all of that is going to change. Tonight, I’m going to take back my old life.
“Get the girls,” I tell Tanner with a grin as I unbutton my jeans. “I’m ready.”
Tonight, Logan O’Toole will finally come back from the land of the brokenhearted.
2
I can't even.