I reread the text several times as I get ready for my next date with Logan. My stomach flutters like I’m in an airplane that’s taking off, and I have goose bumps in anticipation. I probably shouldn’t be this excited, but I’ve been looking forward to giving Logan head again since, well, since the last time I gave him head. Despite my disappointment over the last date’s footage, I’m psyched.
As I step out of the shower and towel off my hair, though, a voice inside asks, Are you sure getting excited is a good idea?
I wipe the steam from the mirror and stare at my reflection. “There’s nothing wrong with looking forward to going to work,” I tell myself. Especially when work is sex. “You just have to manage your expectations.”
Tonight, I expect that everything will be filmed, everything that happens will be for the show, and as long as I remember that, it’s going to be fun.
Satisfied with my pep talk, I use the night’s agenda to plan my wardrobe. Since it’s too hot for pants, I choose a short black skater skirt to wear paired with a loose blouse with spaghetti straps and a low neckline. My cleavage will look awesome when Logan looks down at me bowed before him. My knees are likely going to get scuffed or else my thighs are going to strain from squatting, but that’s fine—it’s part of the job.
It’s not until I start applying my makeup, and realize I’ve been grinning for almost an hour, that I start to reevaluate my anticipation. The thing is, it’s not just the sex I’m looking forward to. And it’s not just the job. It’s Logan—I’m looking forward to seeing him. I’m looking forward to seeing him a lot.
And maybe that’s a problem after all.
“This is fine,” I tell the Devi in the mirror. “It’s probably completely normal to have a crush on the first guy you had sex with on camera.” The only guy. And perhaps that’s the problem—I need more mainstream porn experience.
Logan’s project paid me a decent advance, but it’s a good idea to have something else lined up.
So when my agent happens to call a few minutes later with details about a lesbian shoot I have, I tell her I’m ready to book more. I’m ready to take the next step and commit to a hetero scene with Hagen. “Can you please make sure he’s aware of all my limits and restrictions?”
“Do you want me to give him the same guidelines you gave Logan?”
The honest answer is no. I want things with him that I want with no one else. Which is why I tell her, “Yes.” Because I need to treat Logan’s job like any other, and that means treating every other job just like it’s a scene with Logan.
* * *
Logan already has the camera on when I open his car door twenty minutes later. It’s propped on his dashboard, and the minute I slide in, he slips his hand behind my neck and pulls me toward him. His kiss is fire and salt, and I’m dizzy when he eases up.
“Hello,” he says, his mouth still against mine. “I think I’ll be needing to do that a lot tonight.”
It’s for the show, but I melt. “Say hello?”
He grins and nods and then presses his lips around my lower one.
“Hello,” I say, breathless when we part again, and I suddenly don’t care if it is just for the camera because it has the same effect on me either way. And damn, the effect is amazing.
“I brought a picnic again.” He sounds apologetic. “It’s just so hard to obtain permits for most public places. Especially when I don’t have any intention of behaving.”
“Sounds good to me.” He’s the only thing I’m interested in putting in my mouth anyway.
He pulls out into traffic and then reaches over to lace his fingers in mine. “The picnic? Or not behaving?”
I shrug and smile coyly, partly for the camera, but mostly because I’m afraid if I speak, the only thing I’ll want to say is hello a few more times, or a thousand.
Logan doesn’t tell me where we’re going, save that it’s a ways out of town but totally worth it; he drives north and east, and two hours later we’re pulling off Templin Highway outside Angeles National Forest onto a wide gravel shoulder.
“Good. We’re alone.” He gives me a quick peck before turning off the engine and gesturing for me to get out of the car.
Logan sets up our picnic on the hood of his car, and even with his handheld a distinct presence, our meal of sushi and tsukemono paired with plum wine is absolute perfection. Between popping California rolls in our mouths, we kiss and make out like any two normal people who are attracted to each other and are newly going out.
Is that what we are—normal people? When I’m with him like this, and he’s touching me, and my blood is boiling in my veins, I actually believe we might be.
When the sun has set and we’ve finished both dinner and the bottle of wine, I realize why he’s brought me to this spot. “The stars,” I gasp. “They’re so clear here.”
“Impressed? Hint—you should say yes.”