I put my hand over my heart and felt it beating fast inside my chest. These women were my friends, but I knew it would be hard to tell them what I’d hidden inside me for so long. “I had a bad experience…the first time.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” Bobbie Jo asked softly.
I nodded, but was reluctant to speak. I’d never mentioned it to anyone else before now. “I went on a few dates with this guy and was afraid he would get frustrated and possibly lose interest if I wasn’t willing to…well, you know.”
“Anna, did he hurt you?” Emily asked, blunt as usual.
Bobbie Jo gave her a sour look.
“It’s okay. I should’ve seen the red flags. He never really seemed to care about what I wanted. Everything was always about him. He chose which restaurant we went to and which movie we watched together. And by the fifth date, when he pressed the issue, I just…well, I didn’t want to be a virgin forever and thought maybe it was better than nothing.”
“No,” Emily said adamantly. “Better than nothing is not good enough.”
“He took advantage of your sweet vulnerability, Anna. No man should ever do that to a woman,” Bobbie Jo added.
Shame trickled throughout my body. “I didn’t enjoy it. Not that I expected to since it was my first time. But I wanted him to stop. He was too rough and was hurting me, but I didn’t say anything. I just wanted the whole encounter to end quickly.” I visibly shuddered and closed my eyes. “I wasn’t aroused. Not really. But he just kept poking and stabbing at me. I just lay there until he was finished and finally rolled off me. It was the most humiliating moment of my life.”
“You have nothing to be ashamed about,” Emily assured me. “That guy was an asshole. Don’t keep yourself from having a relationship—sexual or otherwise—with someone else because you’re afraid that they’ll be the same way. This time, you just need to make sure it’s with the right person.”
“Is that your way of saying you don’t think Cowboy is the right person?” I asked.
Bobbie Jo smiled. “Do you think he’s the right person? Because that’s really all that matters.”
“That, and the fact that he’s the Legend of the South,” Emily said, winking. “After all, that is what women around here say about him. He’s supposed to be a wonderful lover. Might be a wise move to get a lesson from the master.” She laughed a little. “Anna, have you ever had an orgasm?”
“Emily!” Bobbie Jo yelled.
“No,” I answered honestly, not giving her time to retract the question. “No man ever gave me one.”
Emily’s eyes widened slightly. “Well, why the hell are you waiting for a man to give you one? No one knows how to please you better than yourself. Give yourself one.”
Bobbie Jo shook her head. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Emily’s right. You can’t show a man what you like if you don’t really know yourself.”
“And faking an orgasm isn’t going to do him any favors,” Emily added. “It would just be you cheating yourself out of pleasure. You need to communicate what you want.”
“So, um…have you two ever…”
“What? Masturbated?” Emily leaned back in her chair with a huge grin. “Yep. In fact, I handcuffed Jake to the bed last night and let him watch. He loved it.”
“Oh God!” Bobbie Jo laughed. “Ever heard of TMI? You know I’m going to make fun of Jake for that one.”
“Don’t you dare! He’d kill me if he knew I told you that.”
I giggled. “What about you, Bobbie Jo?”
She grinned. “Are you kidding? I’m a single mom to a five-month-old. There’s not exactly a line of men banging down my door at the moment. I’m basically dating my vibrator.”
Emily and I laughed, but Bobbie Jo turned serious. “This is the thing, Anna. Whether it’s with Cowboy or someone else, don’t assume that because you sleep with someone that he’ll fall in love. You see what I’m going through with Jeremy. It’s not a fun situation to be in. Be careful.”
“I agree,” Emily said, nodding. “Some men are dogs and are always sniffing around for the next female in heat.”