Adam flips a page in his book. “And how Ollie got so lucky, we’ll never know.”
“What book you reading today?” I ask as Carter disappears.
Adam flashes me the cover, and Jaxon and I laugh. The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck.
“What do you wanna not give a fuck about anymore?”
“I donno. Nothing. Everything. I donno.” He drops the book to his chest and sighs. “Should I say fuck it to dating? Should I just take what all the girls seem to be offering?”
I shake my head, shuffling the cards. “Nah, you don’t wanna do that. It’s not you.”
“Maybe it should be. I’m not looking to fuck around and hurt anyone’s feelings. But none of them give a fuck about me, so why do I give so many?”
“’Cause you’re a good guy,” Jaxon says. “And you’re not the no-strings-attached-fucking kinda guy. That’s me, and while I do enjoy it and normally highly recommend it, I don’t think it’d be your scene.”
Adam’s fingers plunge into his curls. “I don’t really think it is either.”
I chuckle. “Then why are you considering it?”
He pulls his dark-framed reading glasses off and rubs his eyes. “I guess I’m not really. Maybe I’m just giving up the dating fight. All it’s doing is making me feel lonelier.”
“So take a break. You’re filling your spare time with the kids at the home, and you’re enjoying that, right?”
His smile is instantaneous. “I really am. It’s so cool to be part of the reason some of these kids are coming out of their shells.”
“Then focus on that for a while. Spend time doing what makes you happy. I know you want to meet someone, but you’re not having fun doing it right now. Revisit in a couple months.”
Adam rolls his bottom lip, then nods. “When did you get so wise?”
The truth is, talking to Jennie helps. I’m always trying to show her that I understand, and I like helping her find her way through to the other side of her problems. But I can’t tell Adam that, so I tell him the other truth.
“I have three highly emotional little sisters who fight over everything. Sometimes I need to be wise.” And sometimes I’m clueless when I should be wise, like last week when I think Jennie was trying to ask me to stay over.
Thinking about her lately has been hard. Between hockey and recital rehearsals, our schedules have been clashing. Late-night chats aren’t an option with Adam as my roommate. I’m lucky to get five minutes to see her face or hear her voice.
She’s the only person I want to spend my one night home with, so I shoot off a quick text.
Me: Home in an hour. Come over?
Sunshine: Because you miss me?
Me: Because I want a blowjob.
Sunshine: Tell the truth, Gare-Bear. I don’t hang with liars. I only hang with grool boys.
She’s not letting that whole grool incident go, but the joke’s on her. My favorite jokes are the ones we share together.
Me: Fine. I miss u & I want a blowjob. Please come over.
Sunshine: And?
Me: And I’d like to hug u because it’s been 5 days. Please come over.
Me: And I’ll tickle ur back. Please come over.
Me: And I’ll feed u. Please come over.
Me: Please. Please. Please.
Sunshine: OMG no need to be so desperate. I’m already here anyway.
I’m about to ask her what she means, when a photo of her snuggled in my bed comes through. She’s got a Pop-Tart between her teeth and she’s making the peace sign with her free hand, chestnut hair splayed over my pillow. I can’t wait to join her there, and if I’m really lucky, I’ll get to keep her all night long.
Sunshine: Your sheets are magical and you’ve got better snacks. I came to eat and nap. Was gonna surprise you at your door wearing nothing but my hair ribbon tied around my neck like the gift I am.
Jesus Christ, I’m never letting her go.
“Who are you texting?”
“J—” My fingers halt. My gaze slowly rises, finding Adam with one brow arched while he waits for me to finish that J name. “—axon. Jaxon.” I clear my throat. “Riley. Jaxon Riley.” Shut. Up. Garrett.
“You’re texting Jaxon while he’s sitting across from you?”
My gaze slides to Jaxon. He waits, hands folded on the table between us, phone nowhere in sight. Fuck it, it’s worth a shot. “Yes?”
“Garrett,” Adam warns under his breath. “I swear to God, if that’s Jennie—”
“She just—she just—she-she-she…no, she just needs a ride to…I’m not…it’s not…” I give up, raking my hands up and down my face. “Aaah.”
“Aw, c’mon!” Adam tosses his book to the seat next to him, burying his face in his hands. “Garrett, no! You promised it was only the one time!”
“Well, Adam, I lied!”
He gasps, expression holding all the betrayal I expected.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to lie to you, but I couldn’t tell you. You would’ve made me stop.”
“Because I don’t want to lose my best friends!” he whisper-yells, checking that no one is listening other than Jaxon, who’s snickering like a fucking donkey. “You’d be six feet deep, and Carter would be in jail for putting you there!”
“Stop yelling at me!” I shout back under my breath. “I don’t like it!”
“Fuck me. I don’t even know what to…to…fuck.” He gestures at Jaxon. “You knew about this?”
Jaxon holds his hands up. “Hey, I accidentally saw something I never wanted to see. And then she cried and—”
“Oh c’mon,” Adam scoffs. “She cried? No, she played you like a damn fiddle, that’s what she did. She’s a goddamn Beckett, Riley. Get your head in the game.”
“Damn, he’s harsh when he’s mad. But I think I know when a girl is fake crying.” When I grin, he balks. “Fuck, she’s good.”
“You can’t tell Carter,” I plead with them. “Please.”
“Tell him what?” Jaxon glances over his shoulder. Carter’s eight rows ahead of us, seat reclined, headphones on, Olivia’s face on his iPad screen. “That you’re fucking his baby sister?”
“No, it’s not like that anymore. I mean, it was.” I squeeze my eyes shut, head wagging. “No, we’re…we haven’t, uh…”
Jaxon’s brows skyrocket. “You haven’t fucked her?”
“We do…other stuff.” What am I doing? This doesn’t feel right.
“Right. For fun?”
Adam’s jaw drops. “Friends with benefits? No. Not with her of all people, Garrett.”
“No. I mean, yes. I mean, I donno?” I rub the back of my neck. “It started that way, just fun, with rules so it didn’t get serious…”
Jaxon hums. “And now you wanna fuck the rules.”
I don’t want what I wanted before. The limited time, the lack of strings, the freedom to leave whenever it suited either of us, the fucking rules. And I hate that I’m telling someone else before I tell Jennie.
“I really like her,” I whisper. The words taste funny, not because it’s a new revelation, because it’s not. But because it’s the first time I’m saying them out loud, getting to be honest with somebody other than myself. Out of fear of losing what we have, I’ve had to swallow the words day after day, bury them right along with my intentions, all my hopes.
But now it doesn’t feel so hopeless.
“I asked her out on a proper date after her show on the fourteenth. She said yes, so…I think she likes me too. Plus, she’s…” My eyes drift to Adam’s. The hardness wanes, compassion returning. “She’s my best friend.”
Adam stares for a long moment. I know why the fear is there. The same reason it’s there for me. He sighs, scrubbing his face. “I want you to be happy. So long as you know Carter’s going to lose his shit.”
The last thing I ever want to do is hurt Jennie. I’m just not sure that will be enough for Carter.