And he said no.
He saw my struggle and instead of taking something he wanted, he gave me what I needed. Patience, compassion, connection. With one simple action, he reinforced what I already knew: that I could trust him.
“It felt like it went on forever. He said he wanted me to feel good. At the time, I thought it was sweet, that he just wanted to make sure my first time was pleasurable.”
My throat constricts, and my eyes sting with tears begging to fall. I don’t want to let them. I’ve given Kevin far too many.
“It started to feel good. I was…” Heat floods my face, clawing its way to the tips of my ears. “Getting vocal. Making noises.” My vision blurs and Garrett presses his lips to the crown of my head. “He flipped me over suddenly and right before he pushed back inside me, he told me…he told me to scream for them.”
“Them?”
Tears tip over the edge of my lids and free-fall down my cheeks as I’m flooded with memories, as I tell Garrett about the way the door to Kevin’s bedroom sprung open just as I called his name, how half of the football team stood on the other side, phones pointed at us while they laughed and cheered Kevin on while he finished. The way Kevin smacked my ass when he was done, told me it was no big deal, how he left me there to clean myself up, and then watched me leave while he stood in his kitchen, drinking beer and laughing with his friends.
I slap at my cheeks, trying to swipe my tears away, but it’s no use. They keep falling as I tell him how Kevin wouldn’t return my calls the next day, how I walked through the halls at school on Monday and listened to my own moans being played back to me from everyone’s phones, how I found my boyfriend standing at his locker with his arm around my best friend, all the people I had considered friends surrounding them, laughing at me.
“I lost my virginity, my boyfriend, my friends, and everything else that mattered in one night. He took everything from me, Garrett, worst of all, my pride.” The words are strangled as I rub my eyes, and Garrett pulls me tight to him. “By Monday night, there were videos all over the internet. You couldn’t see my body, but you could hear…everything. Carter Beckett’s little sister’s sex tape,” I murmur, remembering the headlines of the gossip articles, the ones Carter’s PR team still works to take down every now and again when they pop up.
“I told you it’d been years since I’d had sex. What I didn’t tell you was it only happened once. I wanted to.” God, how I wanted to. So badly, I craved an intimate connection. “But I was too scared. Too scared to trust someone again. I let him steal that from me.”
Garrett curses under his breath, fingertips biting into my skin. “I should’ve put him through the fucking floor.”
“Carter took care of him. He flew home the next morning, stormed through the parking lot at school, found Kevin standing around his car, and didn’t stop until I begged him to.”
Carter is a lot of things, but he’s the best brother anyone could ask for. As soon as his eyes met mine, when he found me sobbing, needing him, his entire face softened. He stood up, broke the phone of the person nearby who was videotaping, gave Kevin one final warning, then wrapped me in his arms and took me home.
“I finished the semester, took my exams, and never went back. Carter sent me and my mom on a long trip, and the next fall I finished my diploma online. That’s why I’m a year behind. I should’ve finished my degree last year, but I needed time. Time I probably should’ve taken after my dad passed, rather than throwing myself into a relationship that left me feeling empty, like a shell of the person I had once been so proud to be.”
“Are you proud of who you are now?”
“I want to be, but sometimes I’m not even sure who that is anymore.”
Garrett smiles gently. “I know who you are, Jennie. You’re a dedicated friend, sister, and dancer. You’re hardworking, competitive, and you always strive to be better than you were the day before. You’re committed and loyal to the people you care about, even though not everyone has been loyal to you. You’re sassy and sarcastic, and you don’t hesitate to clap back most of the time, shut everyone up and put us all in our place.”
He picks up a wayward lock of hair, letting it slip between his fingers before he tucks it behind my ear, letting his knuckles graze my cheekbone.
“But you have a quiet side too. A side that craves downtime, that likes to snuggle in bed and whisper about the best and worst parts of your days. You overanalyze everything because you think about every possible ending. You hate that you do, but you care too much about what people who don’t matter think about you. You have a big heart, and you cry at every single Disney movie, even the parts that aren’t sad, because all that love hits you hard. You’re a secret softie, but you like everyone to think you’re a little bit scary, that you’re unshakable.
“But here’s the thing, Jennie. You don’t have to be strong and confident all the time. You’re allowed to have insecurities, to be afraid, to feel lonely. Those things don’t make you weak; they make you human.”
His thumb traps a tear that drips down my cheek. “I hope you’re proud of yourself, but if you’re not, know that I am. I’ve watched you take step after step, learning to trust me and open up to me even though everything inside you probably begs you not to.” His eyes rake over me, like they’re cataloging every passing emotion. “I’m sorry somebody was so careless with your heart. Thank you for trusting me with this.”
I fiddle with a loose string on the hem of his shirt. “Sometimes my brain tells me not to trust you, but I’m learning not to listen to it.”
He captures my chin, forcing my gaze back to his. “I’m not like them. I care about you, and when you’re hurting, I’m hurting. So whatever I need to do to show you that you can trust me, I’ll do it. I want you to feel safe with me, Jennie.”
I look at the way our fingers lace together, and I know without a doubt I’ve never felt safer than I do with him. “I do feel safe with you. That’s why I came back. I wanted to share this with you. But that doesn’t mean putting my trust in someone new is easy. It’s scary, not knowing how this ends, the thought that I might get hurt again.”
He squeezes my hand, smiling tenderly. “Blind leap of faith? Promise I’ll catch you.”
“Honestly? It doesn’t feel so blind right now.”
The pad of his thumb skates across my bottom lip. “I know your walls are there for a reason. All I ask is that every once in a while you let me in and show me around. I’ll hold your hand while you do it, and I promise I won’t let go.”
In lieu of words I can’t find, I climb onto his lap and wrap my arms around his neck, snuggling into him as his hand runs up and down my back.
This entire time I’ve been thinking I can’t have him. That this is temporary. Garrett’s empathy, his unending patience with me, it’s something I’m not used to finding. I may be scared to let people in, but he’s the only person who’s stayed long enough, tried hard enough to wiggle in.
I don’t know how or why, but something inside me settles when I’m with him. I remember who I am, not who I tell myself I need to be. So would it be foolish of me to want to try? To see if this, us…if we could work? Would he want that? Would he be willing to try?
The question is on the tip of my tongue, but the insecurities and fears that don’t disappear overnight, the exhaustion stealing every ounce of my energy, they keep me from asking. The last thing I remember before my eyes close is Garrett’s lips at my ear as he promises I’m safe with him.