She never acted the least bit fazed when I jerked awake and was panicking or screaming as a kid. She never freaked out when I woke up in a cold sweat and clung to her as a teen. She never freaked out when I woke her up and took her as a sixteen-year-old who was desperately losing myself inside her just to forget my reality.
Last night was the first time I’ve ever been her light though. Then we spent the rest of the night getting reacquainted with each other’s bodies. She’s definitely more into it now than when we were kids, and she blew my mind back then. It felt good to blow her mind for once.
The only thing that bothers me is the fact I don’t even know what shadows haunt her dreams.
“You want to talk about what your dream was?” I ask her.
She shifts out of my arms and turns to face me, forcing a smile.
“Not yet. Eventually, but not now.”
Groaning, I turn to follow her out of the room, jogging down the stairs behind her as she goes to grab her purse.
“Mika, you can tell me anything.” The second the words leave my mouth, I regret them, realizing I just took a step back in time instead of being in the present.
She turns to face me with sad eyes. “Twelve years ago, I could have told you everything. And I would have. You were my best friend, Chase. Things changed. Now I can’t just spill my darkest secrets to you. We can’t pick up where we left off as though these past twelve years didn’t happen. It doesn’t work that way.”
She seems like she’s repeating something she’s rehearsed at length with a calm, detached tone I don’t like. Yeah, I realize I forgot momentarily we aren’t the same people we were. But it’s almost as though she’s reminding herself more than she’s reminding me.
“I shouldn’t have said that,” I say on a sigh. “We can take this slow.”
Apparently I have to earn her trust all over again, and I get that.
“Slow,” she repeats while looking down. “It’s not about slowing down, Chase. It’s about enjoying it while it lasts.”
“What does that mean?” I ask her, but before I know it, she’s walking up to me, and my question becomes forgotten when she pulls me down and draw me into a kiss that has me forgetting how to think.
The desperate way she clings to me like I’m going to just disappear takes me back to a time when I was a desperate kid clinging to her and the peace she represented… The hope she offered. She saved my life, and now I feel like she’s drowning but won’t let me save her.
That’s my own fault, even if what I did was to save her back then. I wasn’t around when she needed me because I was too busy pushing her away.
Now I’m in the dark, and she’s not letting me in.
“I still haven’t seen your tat,” I tell her, smiling against her lips.
She smiles back and turns around. I pull her shirt up, grimacing when she immediately covers her stomach, despite the fact I can’t see it from back here. My eyes drop down to the eagle at the small of her back that is flying alone. I trace the lines, feeling a sadness in my chest.
“It looks good. Not as good as it could if I had done it, but it’s nice,” I tell her jokingly to lighten the air.
She snickers softly while pulling her shirt down, and I tilt her chin up as she turns around.
“It needs a companion though.”
Her eyes sadden like I’ve said something wrong, and I internally curse myself for pushing too soon again.
“I got one on my arm too,” I tell her, pulling back so she can study it.
“This sleeve is an eagle?” she asks, confused. It takes her a second to realize it’s half eagle half snake. The head creeps up onto my hand, and the wings turn into scales as it slithers up my arm.
Half of it represents her. Half of it represents the coldness that took place in my life after she was gone.
Her eyes meet mine, and she forces a smile. “Guess we both have scars,” she says softly, getting the meaning of it without me having to explain.
“At least you know all of mine.”
She doesn’t break eye contact, and for a second, I think she’s finally going to tell me everything. But she doesn’t. Instead, she turns and grabs her purse.
“Come on. I want a rematch in bowling.”
My lips twitch, but there’s something that concerns me. She can’t seem to bowl at all anymore, and I watch her as she walks toward the door. Her walk is sexy, but it’s completely different from her walk back then. It’s not just the years that changed it, considering her entire posture is different. She used to lean forward a little when she walked. Now she stands straight. It’s almost like she’s an entirely different person with all her new mannerisms and dark secrets.
But when she turns and smiles at me, she’s still the same girl I fell in love with so long ago. Until I look into her eyes and see the hopeless despair. It’s almost like looking at my reflection back in a time when I was stuck with no future.
Nothing makes sense.
Chapter 34
CHASE
“Your mother is a whore. I bet you don’t even know who your real daddy is,” Heath says, spitting out blood as I shake out my throbbing fist.