"Bill, stop that! How embarrassing," my mom huffed as she walked over to Lily and gave her a hug and quick kiss on the cheek.
"Thank you for making my thirtieth birthday traumatic, Dad. Nothing like a good 'ole dad-violating-mom story to make shit memorable," I grumbled as I watched my mom give Lily an extra squeeze before releasing her.
"Today is the perfect day for such talk. How do you think you got here?"
"Dad, I swear, if you don't stop talking, I’m gonna puke."
"Anyway," my mom interrupted, "here is your card. We'll put your gift over on the table with the others. Bill, can you go check on Aunt Gladys?"
"Hell no!" my dad yelled at the same time I said, "You brought Aunt Gladys?" I felt an accusing glare creep onto my face. What the hell were they thinking?
"Who's Aunt Gladys?" Lily asked.
I heard Trevor laughing behind me. Asshole.
"Oh, Trevor, I didn't see you. How are you?" my mom asked as she moved toward him to greet him.
"Forget him," I whined, blocking her path. "Why did you bring Aunt Gladys?"
My mom's features grew stern as she reprimanded me. "Because she's your great aunt, that's why. She has as much right to be here as anyone else and you will be nice to her or, I swear to you, Max, I will kill you."
This wasn't the first time my mom had threatened me with bodily harm, but it always made me laugh. My mother had never touched me with anything other than love and affection. Maybe if she had, I wouldn't have turned out to be such a prick. "Okay, Okay, I'll be nice. But where is she?"
My dad replied quickly. "Bathroom."
"Oh, no," I groaned.
Lily looked at us completely perplexed. "If you need someone to go check on her, I'd be happy to . . ."
"No," my dad and I both yelped in unison, resulting in an icy glare from my mother.
My dad gripped Lily's shoulders like he was warning her about her imminent death. "Lily, whatever you do, stay away from the bathroom when Aunt Gladys is in there. Please, dear, promise me. Promise!" he hollered at her when she didn't immediately reply.
"You two stop this right now," my mom scolded as she elbowed my father in the ribs. "Aunt Gladys just has some bowel problems is all. It's not that bad."
"Not that bad if you're comparing it to gutting a human," my father muttered under his breath.
Lily looked horrified at the three of us and then burst out laughing. She was nearly hysterical when we all joined in, tears streaming down our faces.
"What did I miss?" We all laughed harder as we whipped around to look upon Aunt Gladys hobbling toward us. My stomach cramped as I walked over to give her a swift hug and thank her for coming.
"So, Aunt Gladys, everything, umm . . . go okay?" my father asked, trying like hell to maintain a straight face. Goddamn him for asking this question. We all shook as we tried to restrain ourselves.
"Yeah, all good. Left something fierce in that toilet though. Where's the food?" And with that pearl of information, she walked away from us in search of hors' d'oeuvres.
We all looked at each other before rolling with a new wave of laughter. I gripped my hand on the bar to keep myself from doubling over onto the floor.
"Jesus Christ, why would she tell us that?" I said as I tried to catch my breath.
"I don't know, but I'm so glad she did," Trevor sputtered.
"Alright, alright, enough," my mom sniffed as she wiped her cheeks dry. "Come on, Bill, let's go say hi to everyone."
"Right behind ya, doll."
I couldn’t help glancing over at Lily at my dad’s term of endearment. This hadn’t been the first time he’d said it, and she had to have noticed it by now. Her smile slipped a little and she shuffled her feet slightly before darting a quick look my way. Running my hand through my hair, I attempted to rein myself back in.
"Okay, people, time to go trolling for cougars. I'll see ya around." Trevor plopped his drink down onto the bar and made his way out to mingle.
"Is he serious?" Lily asked when he had gotten out of earshot.
"Sadly, yes."
"Gross," Lily whispered.
"Yes, yes, it is. He's actually quite popular with the over-forty crowd."
"Sounds like quite a guy," Lily said dryly.
She clearly didn't like Trevor, but I couldn't figure out why. I was about to ask her, when I realized I didn't give a shit. I didn't want to get into any serious conversations tonight. It was my birthday and I planned to enjoy it.
Lily and I chatted for a while as various family members and friends came over to wish me happy birthday. After about a half an hour, the servers announced that they were ready to bring out the first course. We all made our way to the lone, long table in the middle of the room. My mom directed everyone where to sit like a dictator as my dad made hand signals behind her back, mocking her in the most loving way possible. When she rounded on him, he threw his hand to his hair and smiled at her sheepishly. Even she couldn't hide the smile that lifted her lips as she slapped him softly in the stomach.
I ended up between my dad and Lily and was just about to pick up my fork and dive into my salad when I heard the clink of a glass.