And these were the thoughts that had plagued me for the three weeks following my breakup with Adam. During this time there'd been no contact between us. I had done a quick search of my apartment a few days after Adam left to see if I had any of his belongings that needed to be returned, but there was nothing. And I had nothing to collect at his house either. Other than a couple of pictures I had of the two of us, there was virtually no evidence that we'd ever even known each other, let alone dated. And as time passed, I became more and more sure that Adam had done the right thing by walking away. And I had done the right thing by not stopping him.
However, now I had nothing but time—time to think and obsess about what I wanted from life. I was driving myself crazy. When the soul-searching became too much, I often decided that CrossFit was the only way to escape from myself for a little while. That's what drew me to the gym on the Friday before school let out. I hadn't planned to go because I usually felt like a loser going to the gym on a Friday evening. But since that was what I felt like anyway, there was no real reason to keep up appearances of anything else.
I walked into the gym and my eyes scanned the room as I started to stretch. But my movement halted when my eyes settled on him. The blaring rock music thumped in time with my heart as my whole body reacted to seeing him. It had been over a month since I'd last spoken to him. And though I refused to admit it at the time, what he had said to me that morning at breakfast had shaken me to my core—had made me question every feeling I'd had in the past year and a half. Made me wonder . . .
"Hey," Max said.
I hadn't even registered that his class had ended and that he currently stood directly in front of me. It took every ounce of willpower I had to resist scanning his body, to ignore the post-workout glow that emanated from him. Goddamn, he's so fucking sexy.
"Hey," I finally managed.
We stood there for a second, both struggling to find something to say. But what could be said? He'd laid it all out for me. Gift wrapped himself and dropped himself at my feet. And I'd refused him.
"How's Mary?" Wow, Lily. Worst. Question. Ever.
He looked at me curiously for a second before simply replying, "That's done. Like I told you, I just can't do that to her. She deserves better."
I wanted to disagree. Because if there's one thing I knew, there was no better than him.
"How's Adam?"
I shouldn't have been shocked by this question, but I was. "I'm, uh, I'm not sure actually."
He tilted his head, trying to read the meaning behind my words.
"He and I . . . it didn’t work out.”
He was unreadable, except for the intake of a shaky breath. He quickly plastered on that cocky grin of his. "I wish I could say I’m sorry to hear that."
"Yeah, well, it's for the best. I think I just need some time. You know, to figure my shit out." My words were a cop out. Telling him I needed time was my way of brushing him off, and avoiding having to face my feelings about him. Because while I was attracted to Max, and while a part of me would always love him, I wasn't sure we were what was best for each other. He represented everything I had tried to change about myself. And while I didn't necessarily like the person I had morphed into, I didn't really like who I'd been back then either.
He nodded slowly, and watching him caused pain to ripple through my chest. Why am I always hurting him?
"Well, I hope you get it all figured out." His words were sincere, as was his heated gaze.
"Thanks."
"Bye, Lily."
And that's when something broke through. Adam had said these same words to me, and I'd barely flinched. But Max saying them caused panic to seize my body. His words held a finality that caused my stomach to bottom out, and I just couldn't let this be it.
So against all reason, against all the things I had told myself were for the best, I stopped him. "Max?"
He exhaled deeply, causing his shoulders to drop from the place of tension they had been. He slowly turned and looked back at me.
"There’s talk of the teachers at Swift all meeting for happy hour next Friday at Flanagan's. We're going to be celebrating making it through another school year. If you're not busy, I'm sure all of the teachers would love to see you."
He thought for a second before answering. "Would you love to see me there?"
Why couldn't he ever just let things be easy? I rolled my eyes, trying to downplay what he was asking. "Yes, I'd like to see you there." I couldn't keep the grin from my face, so I stopped trying.
"Then I'll be there," he said before turning away from me and walking out of the gym.
And as I watched his perfectly shaped ass go, I couldn't help but wonder what the hell I was getting myself into.
***
The next week was brutal. My emotional state swung like a hormonal teenager's. One minute, I was questioning if I'd tried hard enough with Adam, the next I was thinking about giving things a try with Max. And then I contemplated if a bigger slut had ever graced the globe. However, I quickly thought of some of the female twats I worked with, and felt reassured.
But this was still wrong . . . wasn't it? Adam and I had been in a serious relationship for months. I couldn't jump into another one less than a month later. And did I even want a relationship with Max? I'd shunned the idea for a year and a half, and I see him sweat-soaked after a workout one day, and now all of a sudden I want to commit to the guy? That was ridiculous. Totally ridiculous.