“That’s what we’re all doing, together, trying to do our best,” Dr. Grind offered.
“It’s easy to say that, this idea that we’re all in this together, but, honestly, Dr. Grind, some things are private and I have to deal with them on my own. I talk to the other parents. I talk to Harris. I talk to the psychiatrist. I talk to you. And that’s fine, but no matter how many people tell me this is the best thing for all of us, I am not totally convinced yet. I just need time, I guess. My life has been such that, when I think things are okay, they start to fall apart. I guess I’m just wary of things when they seem like they’re working. Sometimes I need a little reassurance. Sometimes I need to reassure myself, in my own way.”
“That’s fair,” Dr. Grind said. “I can appreciate that.”
“Good,” Ellen said.
There was a pause between them, both of them looking for the next thing to say and finding nothing before Ellen finally said, “This is about me holding Marnie, isn’t it?”
“Partly,” Dr. Grind said, slightly taken aback by the honesty of her statement. “Well, actually, yes. Entirely.”
“I figured as much. I knew it even when I woke her up. I knew it was going to get me in trouble, but I just needed to do it. I needed to hold her a little longer.”
“Okay,” Dr. Grind said. “I understand that, Ellen, you have to believe that I understand that desire.”
“But you still don’t want me to do it,” she said matter-of-factly.
“Not under those circumstances. I want everyone to follow the procedures as we’ve established them, to ensure that everyone is taken care of and that we continue to adjust so that we’re prepared for whatever comes next.”
“Okay,” Ellen said, waving her hand in surrender. “I know you don’t enjoy this. I know I’m making things complicated. I’ll figure it out.”
Ellen touched her forehead, as if she was looking into the future and unhappy with what she saw. Finally, she looked up at Dr. Grind and said, “You know what you’re doing, right? This will all work out?”
“It will, Ellen,” he replied.
“I think I believe you,” she finally said, and then she walked out of the kitchen, leaving Dr. Grind alone in the room.
Knowing that sleep was not a possible outcome, not even the skittering, patchy sleep to which he was accustomed, Dr. Grind changed into his workout clothes and walked the length of the complex, the courtyard illuminated by solar lights. It was bracingly cold, the sky vast and clear above him. He could see some of the families already in their homes, watching TV or typing on their laptops, and then instantly felt creepy to be watching them, as if he wasn’t enough of a constant presence in their lives. He swiped his key card and entered Main 2, heading to the exercise room, where he planned to get on the treadmill and run himself into a kind of uneasy exhaustion. He had Julie Howser’s novel on audiobook and he was halfway through it, a dense, complicated book about several generations of rabble-rousers in the American South. The language was so artful, the sentences unwinding in such complex rhythms, that he found he occasionally lost the thread of the narrative and had to skip back on his MP3 player.
When he got to the gym, Jeffrey was already there, moving quickly through a series of exercises, curling dumbbells before tossing them down and doing a set of jumping jacks, then lunges, his face a perfect mask of unhappiness. When he noticed Dr. Grind, he stopped his routine and nodded.
“I thought you might come here,” Jeffrey said. “How did it go with Ellen?”
“I’m not sure,” Dr. Grind admitted. “We acknowledged the issue and I think we agreed to try to deal with it in the future.”
“So, no need for a collective intervention?” Jeffrey asked.
“No, thank god,” Dr. Grind said, and then walked over to one of the treadmills and turned it on. Before he could start running, he noticed that Jeffrey was standing in front of the machine. “What?” Dr. Grind asked, wanting to burn off his anxiety, his legs already warming up to the idea of motion.
“This is going to keep happening,” Jeffrey said. “It’s natural that the parents are going to gravitate toward their own kids.”
“I know that,” Dr. Grind said. “We anticipated that. That’s why we have structures in place to help mitigate those circumstances.”
“No matter what we do, especially in the beginning, we’re going to see this problem. It’s just a fact.”
“What do you want me to say, Jeffrey? Do you think I’m being heartless? I’m not preventing anyone from loving their child. I’m just asking them to expand their emotions to include other people.”
“It sounds good when you say it out loud. I’m just saying that, in practice, it will be more difficult.”