Novak thinks he’s won and I’m defeated, but the truth is I let something go in that space—all that frantic want, all the obsessiveness—it’s like I’ve talked away a grand tapestry of wrongs. The farther I move now from the interview room, the more the dark thread unravels. I loved one person my whole life, and while everyone else postured and jigged and reefed their feelings into hostility, here I am emerging with that love intact. I may carry all of the blame, but I still have the memory of true happiness.
I didn’t hurt anybody, not really, not the real kind of hurt. The tapestry of my sins is small. Can’t you see the filament, Novak, looping heavy along the corridor as it comes undone? Let it unwind, let it unspool around me, because wherever we’re going, Novak, whatever dark little hole you put me in, I’ll close my eyes and know that I’m free. The spiders aren’t crawling anymore.
chapter
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29
It was warm as we drove out to Elbow Lake. A warm night, full of the leftover heat of the day. Mom’s CD blared as she spoke to me of peace, of letting toxicity go, all the ways I could forgive and forget.
At the bottom of the bumpy, tufted hill, Saskia was already sitting on the dock. We parked and Freddy greeted us, his face flushed with possible absolution. He rubbed his hands together as if it were cold. “I know it’s not your top choice, but you’ll feel so much better once you’ve spoken with her. At times like this, Angie, it’s important to just do what needs to be done.”
Near the shoreline, the mud was wet underfoot. Saskia’s shirt billowed out behind her, her frame thin and vulnerable. She wasn’t wearing shoes.
She waved from our dock—an uncertain wave, but there was still hope in her fingers as they trailed the air.
“Off you go, dear.” Mom released me towards the water like a dove. “Do everything we told you. Say all the words we’ve practiced, and it’ll all be fine. You’ll be amazed how easily you can let go once you’ve properly apologized.” She nodded with her eyebrows raised. How proud she would be of me if only I’d do this one thing.
I walked past the char of the old stone fire pit, blackened with fires of grads I no longer knew, and crossed the slats as they stretched out over the water. My legs were stiff, my joints rigid. Rusted nails jagged out of the wood, the grain fibrous and mealy and damp.
“Thanks for coming. I was hoping you would,” I said, and she shook her head, her eyes so giving, so trusting, so evolved. She held a pebble in her cupped palm, rolling it around against her loveline and lifeline. She looked at me then, almost apologetic, almost contrite. I didn’t move closer.
“Freddy said you wanted to chat,” she said.
“That’s right. More or less.” I turned to see Mom and Freddy leaving, my mother’s arm threaded through his. They walked back up the hill to Freddy’s car and both got in. How sure they were of the power of forgiving and forgetting. Saskia and I watched the car creep up the bumpy ground and then gather speed as it found the road and was gone. I took a deep breath and turned back to Saskia.
“I’m trying to get over what you did,” she said.
“Can you?” I asked. HP had skimmed stones, bare-chested, beautiful, exactly where she stood.
“I’d like to think we can be bigger people. Both of us,” she said. She whipped her pebble into the lake. By her ankle was a thick, heavy rock, sharp and fated and waiting.
With her back to me, she didn’t even realize I’d picked it up.
acknowledgments
Thanks to Nita Pronovost and Sarah St. Pierre for eventually managing to get me to the right picnic, and for all the fun along the way. Thanks to Liz Whitehead, whose concept of what the front cover should look like was quite brilliant. And to my agent, Carolyn Forde, who’s tireless and amazing and with whom I’ll one day tour Europe. I also need to thank Almeda Glenn Miller and Adrian Barnes for their inspiring classes at Selkirk College: they lit a fire under me, and here we are. Kristen Webb helped me with early ideas for nasty things characters could do; Kate Walker was my chapter-by-chapter reader, cheering me on; and Linda L. Richards gave me a great first edit. Tracey Mozel is my constant tech support, and I owe her much more than the Leo’s Greek Pizza and red wine with which I repay her. Thanks, also, to Jo Lyle in Sydney, who reminded me of how Australians form sentences when I got rusty after a nine-year gap. To Robbie and her clan in Canada and my family in England—Jonathan and Sue Watt, Jo and Sal—thanks for all the love and reinforcement, and may you never read any of the rude scenes. And finally, most of all, thanks to Clint, Cash and Ruby. It’s really all for you. Everything is. Thanks for not waking up when I tiptoed past your doors at 5 a.m. to write in a quiet house.
Simon & Schuster Canada
Reading Group Guide
* * *
OUR LITTLE
* * *
SECRET
ROZ NAY
for discussion
1. When Angela first meets Detective Novak, he asks that she fill in the blanks about Saskia. In order to answer Novak’s questions, Angela goes back ten years, despite the fact that she doesn’t meet Saskia until after high school. Why does Angela choose to begin her story from this point?
2. In the interrogation room, Angela notices a small line of graffiti on the wall: THE URGE TO DESTROY IS CREATIVE. When reading the novel, did these lines affect your interpretation of Angela or the stories she was telling?
3. During the course of the book, both Angela’s and HP’s names change according to who is addressing them. She is Angela, Little John, or LJ; he is HP or Hamish. What do these nicknames indicate about the characters and how they relate to themselves and others?
4. Discuss Angela’s relationship with HP. They started out as best friends, and then they started dating. How did you feel when they got together? Why do you think they broke up?
5. In high school, HP says that Angela is his soul mate, but Saskia believes she and HP are soul mates. Do you think that HP and Angela were meant to be? Can you have more than one soul mate?
6. When HP first befriends Angela, he tells her, “Some secrets you have to earn.” Does Angela earn HP’s secrets? If yes, how? How does Detective Novak earn Angela’s secrets?
7. What were your initial impressions of Freddy? As Angela’s friend, do you think he had good intentions? Was he a good or bad influence in Angela’s life?
8. Angela’s dad was determined to get her into an Ivy League school, and her mom was obsessed with Angela dating HP. Why do you think her parents were fixated on these life goals? Did these pressures affect Angela even after she finished high school? How so?
9. Angela’s mom suggests that Angela make a Manifestation Jar in hopes that she can forgive and forget after her miserable summer watching HP and Saskia together. But when the jar resurfaces, Detective Novak uses it as evidence against Angela. Do you think Angela believed her manifestations would come true? Did the jar have a positive or negative affect on her life?